my melancholy tastes like bittersweet my...

my melancholy tastes like bittersweet my heart sings to pang these days it's just a momentary lapse in reason i know and as i wait for the bluebird of happiness to swoop down and take me i bide my time with a spanish dancer her gait keeps me distracted my melancholy tastes like bittersweet as i swallow it back down keeping it inside of me safe close hidden gazing out the window waiting for something to happen my mind finds you through the dissonance and my heart draws a slow deep breath in it's your smile that kills...

#hopehandsforacause

Post by Kithseer's Corner.

Your trees. I miss you!

Across the street.... one of those flower trees is you. Some of your ashes are there. I had it planted at the splash park. Your lemon and orange trees are at the boys n girls club across town :)
Figured he'd like to be around kids having fun and the water :)

The boys n girls club cares for the fruit trees in their gardens and use them to supplement their food there. What they can't use goes to the soup kitchens :)

Zakk Wylde, Black Label Society - In This River

I MISS YOU!

:(

You're here....

annoying everyone around me

Dear Kenny <3

I miss you so much. I torture myself most nights, watching the videos you sent me and looking at pictures and rereading emails and texts. All it does it make me cry like a baby now and want to talk to you again, or crawl deep inside a hole and never come back out. I can't do this during the day or I wouldn't function at all. Only at night, when I'm awake alone and no one wants to, or is awake to talk to me, do I do this... 

I know it's annoying everyone around me - especially on the bad nights when they get a million rambling texts. I apologize constantly for it but I know it doesn't really do much good. 

I stopped telling the shrinky dink about you and how I feel about you being gone. He thinks I'm delusional. He told me to stop writing to you like you were still alive. He increased my visits to 3x a week and he fucked with my meds and I'm worse now than I was before. I can't think... or stop thinking. You know what I mean. 

I can't stay stabilized when  my brain keeps getting played with with different chemicals all the time. I promise I am taking my meds - just not the ones he put me on since my other doctors said not to - they reacted with another med I take and tripled my seizure chances and raised something else. I forget what. Serotonin maybe? to too high of levels - I was getting sick a lot. So I got taken off all of dr shrinky dinks med changes and put back on what I was on before since the doctors know how I react to them already and what dosages work for me...

I have 23 pills to take a day now to stay alive and not crazy... My desk looks like a pharmacy shelf. Sometimes I really wonder if it's worth it all. *Shrug* I hurt all the time. I rarely have a day where I feel like myself or am pain free. 

My coworkers are afraid I'm going to go psycho on them :(  I guess I look and sound crazy to them too. Every day they ask if I took my pills. lol I wish I were joking. The last few months have been really rough without you.

I still don't sleep. I stay awake most nights until daylight and take a hour nap before I go into work. When I do sleep, I dream about your death again. I don't want to see it anymore.

promise, rambling, tired

Kennyboy <3

Not writing didn't help me... I tried. Writing was helping more than keeping everything inside my head, I guess. I can barely function now... Still not sleeping.  I'm eating some - but it's somewhat useless when I throw up constantly from nausea and dizzyness. I'm tired of the you're so sick/getting too tiny/ looking comments. (well DUH? I AM SICK!). I know I'm annoying everyone around me with my rambling nonsense about whatever pops in my head all night and day.

Sometimes wish I didn't make that promise to you last winter. I really do. I'm tired, Kenny. So very tired. Tired of fighting myself. Tired of pills to stay alive. Tired of doctors and tests. Tired of hurting 24/7. Tired of being sick. Tired of nightmares every single night. Tired of crazy thoughts racing through my head. You wouldn't know if I broke that promise unless... what we believed is true. Then you'd yell at me for it. But, I don't break promises, even to people that are dead.

I was desperate Saturday night and had someone bring me some pain pills :( I was so sick Sunday day and night. I woke up feeling worse than usual - it's been a rough month at work mentally and physically for me - we're so shorthanded now and the OT is piling up on me. I don't know if the pills were too strong for me the night before, or the pain itself, or a migraine, or if it was just everything else catching up. I had a headache from hell, my back was spasming and I couldn't close my hands. I couldn't keep my eyes focused on anything, my world was tilting and spinning backwards more than usual. Glad Sundays have been boringly slow (football). I hate throwing up at work...

I didn't even make it the 8 miles home from work without telling Gwen to pull over (figures it was in Backatown -ghetto land- ugh - not where I wanted to be puking my guts out in the dark...). I tried taking a shower, but ended up just kneeling on the floor of the tub with my head on my knees until the hot water ran ice cold... then I just shut the water off and threw a towel over me until I stopped shaking.