#hopehandsforacause

Post by Kithseer's Corner.

love you miss you need you

Dear My Kenny <3

Having a strange night... I really miss you but I'm ok. Seriously wantneedy for things I won't have tonight, or ever the way things go with bf. You know how I am... even though I push people out of my personal space more often than not, sometimes I need do a hug or a cuddle on the sofa or my hands held for hours.

I guess I'm getting used to you not being here. I still keep expecting/wishing for you to call me, or send a text, or even just show up - saying you were horribly sick and no one could get in touch with me...  I know it won't happen, but I can still wish for it on your star...  It's clear and silvery tonight here in the dark, by the way. If I look at it at an angle, I can see flecks of different blue and green shades in it - like glitter. I think I choose the cut and crystal style well - it suits you. It goes super well with my purple butterfly.

I started out with a Pink Floyd/A Momentary Lapse of Reason playlist tonight, and now it's all random again. I didn't even notice my queue had played out an hour ago. I was drawing a little... trying to get back into the habit and routine. I need to make some more art and graphic designs to sell in my online shop.

I still have random tears. They don't last long if I let them fall, but if I try to hold them back they'll last all day. I have to hold them back at work, I have no choice really. I just wait til I get home and write to you before letting them fall fully.

< 3 Doors Down / Away From the Sun / I Feel You >

...They gave me a life that's not so easy to live

And then they sent me on my way

I left my love, forgot my dreams

I lost them along the way

Those little things you say

When words mean so much

You never back down

And they all shy away

You always listen to me...

I haven't lost anymore weight this week, I'm still at -18#... I'm trying to eat more. I'm already malnourished enough with all my vitamin deficiencies. Food just doesn't interest me right now. Nothing tastes good. The smell of some things still makes me want to throw up. I haven't had the energy, or lack of pain, to do any of my exercise beyond some stretching and playing with Taboo. Work just takes it all out of me. It's all I can do just to make it through my shifts right now.

I think I go back to the regular doctor in a couple weeks, but I'm not positive. He's the one that does all my regular yearly blud labs and likes to tell me I'm obese LOL He's also the one that wants me to be a stick figure at 120# (or less... ) At least he'll be 'okay' with my being at 170#. It's less than I was last time I saw him. My work pants are baggy now ;) And - I can button the bottom buttons of my chef jacket and have room inside it for my t-shirt!

The veins in my hands and arms stick out now sometimes - is that a good thing? They used to look all sunken in and almost black under my skin... Now they are bright blue. I can really see the blue colour in my shoulder and upper chest area. I can't get a good picture of them or I'd show you.

I declined going to a culinary competition this year - one of the guys is going to do it this time... I didn't think I could handle the stress of all that right now since I haven't been feeling all that great. They'll be others I will do. I still need my gold for desserts to complete my collection of medals for the ACF! I kinda wanted to do this one (wild game) but it's not an area I'm comfortable 'showing off' in, yet. I know you'd tell me I'd do fine and you have confidence in me and I'd say Yeah right... and I'd go do it and be fine whether I placed or not. But, I don't think you'd push me to do it if I wasn't feeling well enough. You'd want me to rest up for the next one :)

I need to attempt a nap before I go to work :( I'm not really sleepy, but I know I need to rest.

I love you Kenny <3

butterflies, stars, tears and you

My Kennyboy,

I miss talking to you so much, it hurts. I still want to be entirely selfish and have you back for my own needs and not share you with anyone else. I want you all to myself. To talk with. To hug. To cook with. To just hang out with at home. I need someone to hold my hand when I go for my tests. Someone to tell me everything will be okay and wipe away my tears. Someone that won't leave when I am too sick to do anything but stay in bed. Someone that understands me. 

Yes, I'm crying again. I'll look like hell later - all puffy eyed and sniffly when I wake up, if I ever go to sleep today. I already look like I haven't sleep in a month. The circles under my eyes are so bad... 

It's storming again. It was gorgeous all day long, but sometime around 1 am it started to rain, and now at 5 am, it's thundering and lightning and the rain is hitting the windows... I can't sleep. You know how the rain affects my head in ways I don't and won't explain to people not extremely close to me. 

Not only is my head fucked up tonight, my body is also. It hurts - fire ants and ground glass everywhere. Burning pain in my joints and muscles. I haven't found any pills to work for this type of pain yet. My butterflies and your stars can only do so much some nights :( I might have to add in a third image to send my pain away...  I now get painful tingling and weird numbness in my legs and arms, and sometimes in my back. 

Morphos Butterfly - Isn't it beautiful?

I've spent the last few hours looking at pretty photographs of butterflies - particularly Morphos butterflies. Their blue, aqua and purple metallic shine caught my eye. This one has some of the colours I want in our tattoo. I'd like to add in a darker royal purple, a deep sapphire blue and an emerald green for some of the other butterflies. Maybe a pink one for my sister with her name in it's wings.

Your stars!

Then I started looking at stars...  I can't see any out here tonight since it's storming. You better be out there, Kenny. You told me you would be. Patiently waiting for me to join you. Look at how cool it looks up there! Glittery and smoky and swirly. Always changing, yet always the same. We could jump from star to star, playing tag. I'm hoping I can find a tattooist that can capture your stars for me. I still want to see if I can get one to mix some of your ashes in the ink...  I wish I could have gotten some of your blood ;) but not to put in our tattoo. I just want to have a piece of you ;/ I know, I'm weird. Tell me you wouldn't ask for some of mine. You would, and you know it. Cuz we were strange like that.

I'm not liking my random playlist tonight. I've skipped more songs than I have listened to. 

I had my evaluation at work... I get a 3% raise this year - not really much at all but better than the 3 years I've gone without one since I got a massive raise when I transferred departments. Now they want me to learn the grill station. :( It's the last station I need to know before getting a Sous Chef title for the fine dining place. I already know I most likely can't physically do that station but I don't want to tell them that and you already know I'll try to work it anyhow, just to show off  LOL. Besides, I'd be the first girl  e v e r  to work it... I already proved I can do saute/fish, even though I hated every minute of it. I don't want to give them any other reason to get rid of me when the new owners take over next month. I'm already afraid I'm going to lose my insurance :( so, I'll suck up my pain and try beating the chef boys at their stupid little game.

Taboo is hinting that he wants to go to bed. He won't sleep in the bed until I go lay down with him. Instead, he's in here, watching me and occasionally he gets up, walks to the hall and looks back at me. If I don't get up, he comes back and lies down and sighs, He is such a momma's boy. and a spoiled brat. :)

Taboo!

He's making me feel guilty :( 

I love you :)

~The crybaby

sick, missing you, crying

Damnit Kenny!

I made it all day, then about an hour ago, I started crying. Just out of the blue. And not just tears. Full out crying. I'm trying to deal with this, really. I can be strong all day, but when I'm alone at night - I just can't do it. This used to be our time to chitchat and catch up on our day. When we'd send goofy pictures and have serious discussions and play ww/f all at the same time. When you'd tell me I was beautiful and that you loved me. When we'd come up with silly things to do with each other - like have a picnic on the living room floor at 4 am, or make sand castles on the beach, or colouring in colouring books.

This is very unlike me, all these tears. I usually only cry when I'm so angry I can't speak. I don't feel angry at you. Maybe I am. I don't really know. I don't want to be if I am - I don't think I really could be. I am upset that you're dead and I feel selfish for wanting you back just for me, even though you would be in pain. But I don't think I'm mad at you... 

I am afraid I'll stop remembering all the silly little things... I'm still afraid to stop hurting inside but I also know I can't sit around all the time hoping and wishing for something that will never ever happen, unless you become a zombie or a vampire... This would be the perfect place to do that, ya know. New Orleans. Voodoo. Vampires. Crazy lifestyle. It's my turn to say it: "C'mere, c'mere, c'mere! You know you want to!"

You and your off-centered picture taking-ness :P

I miss my Kenny - everything about you. I'd do most anything to have you back with me, but... pet sematary.... yeah. That would be my luck... You'd come back, but not be you. Then you'd eat my face off while wearing a creepy clown mask and stuff. :) and you know how I feel about CLOWNS! Ugh 2 Stephen King references in a row. AHHH!!! 

Ok, I'm better. Kinda. Ok, not really. I'll get thru it. I'm just having a moment. I'm extra super hurty and stuck awake and I have no one to talk to anymore. Normal people sleep at night. We weren't normal :) Even with my extra strength ambien and other stuff I might 'sleep' 3-4 hours. Usually it's tossing and turning and feeling pain and having nightmares. I've never slept well. Even as a kid. I had night mares, night terrors, sleep walked and eventually I quit sleeping in high school for days at a time. Probably why I have such vivid dreams... I wonder if a sleep study could detect that. There's got to be one that measures dream activity.

I'm having horrible charlie horses in my calves - they make my feet curl up from the muscles and stuff getting so twisted up. I'll have bruises soon ;/ Those are always pretty. My knees are swelling and ache something awful. The joints in my fingers are getting more cyst things in them. They look like tons of mini ganglion cysts, but on my joints. I hit one today on the cooler door at work. Yeah, I had to go sit down for a minute with my hand on the floor of the freezer to numb it. "Where's ANNE?"  "She's in the freezer!" "WHY?!" "She hurt her hand!" "Does she need to go to security?" "NO!!!! She hit one of those lump things on her fingers!"

In my job, going to security = drug test. I'll pass the stupid test - really. But - it takes an HOUR while they fill out paperwork, get the swab thing (and with my sjogrens I can't make spit hardly at all so it takes a REALLY long time to get enough in the stupid swab to test), take pictures of 'The INCIDENT Area' - they get all CSI on this stuff. I needed a bandaid one day after cutting my finger on an aluminum pie pan and someone saw me bleeding before I got my bandaid on (I keep a supply in my bag) and had security escort me to the office for the test. FOR A BANDAID. (I bleed like crazy from a few of my meds, so any medium hard bump against something=blud!). One hour and 26 sheets of paper later, I got my bandaid. It ended up being latex so I took it off as soon as I stopped bleeding and just used masking tape and a glove over my own personal latex frees...

I felt pukie all fucking day. Woke up dizzy and somehow managed to work feeling like the world was spinning backwards and sideways all day. Gwen's driving just about did me in on the way home from work tonight, though. I had my seatbelt off before she had fully stopped outside the house and flung the truck door open, jumped out and said Bye! and threw up on the street as she drove away. Then made it to the house and got inside and became pukie again because BF had been smoking stinky cigarettes while watching football. 

Poor Taboo didn't know what was up. I closed the bathroom door on his nose on accident so I could kneel in front of the toilet for 30 minutes :( I never ignore the silly furface! We cuddled and played when I was done being sick. 

How could I ignore this?

I think I'm just gonna lie here in the dark for a bit. Maybe I'll sleep. I'm hurty all over and I have this bad feeling they are going to put me on saute/fish station permanently. One because they know I can do it and I'm the only other one that CAN do it... and I'm a girl. The first girl ever to work that station since the place opened. I HATE SAUTE. I trained pastries and sweets, not fish... *sigh* well, maybe I'll get a raise. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA now that's a fantasy.

I love you Kenny. You always believed in me even when I didn't. Kinda why I said I'd learn that stupid fish station a few months ago. You kept saying you knew I could do it... DAMN YOU!

I love you. Come see me tonight and help me sleep and make me strong.

~Uneeek!

butterfly, star together. I'm OK!

My Kenny -

LOOK WHAT SHOWED UP! MY BUTTERFLY!

I'll be getting a thicker chain to wear them on - or maybe another thin chain to wear them separate but together at the same time. That might be the best option really. I think the star would look great on a choker ribbon. Next I'm going to look for one in a moonstone - Thanks to my sister for suggesting that, too! <3

Random playlist shuffle today... Just kinda going with the flow. Let's see where winamp takes us this day.

<VAST / NUDE / Be With Me> 

Have I ever mentioned how much I absolutely LOATHE going to the doctor? :) I've stumped the doctors yet again so their solution is to put me back on their stupid boring anti-inflammatory 'diet' again. I'm going to go bonkers! No dairy, no wheat, no sodium, no added sugars (whole fruit is ok this time, but not juice), no caffeine, no alcohol, no dyes, no OTC meds, no beef... etc etc etc. Basically, they have no idea again. 3 months of this... then new lab work unless I get worse *cries*

Official weight loss - #12 in 7 days... the depression and #spoonie diet. I don't recommend it.

Oh, and snip pieces of flesh from me again. They REALLY want to do that. I feel like a lab rat... I'm so tired of all of it. :/ They weren't big on explaining stuff today without consulting with "the others" so I'll probably get a phone call in a week or so. Guess I should be happy my doctors speak with each other...

<Peter Wohlert: Berlin Symphony Orchestra - Tchaikovsky: Sleeping Beauty Suite, Op. 66A - Introduction, La Fée Des Lilas>

I'm okay today. Well, right now anyhow... Sitting in my stupid paper gown with a paper sheet for warmth for 45 minutes this morning in a freezing room, waiting for the doctor to finally show up... Not so good. My toes turned blue waiting. I think I fell asleep for a bit, wishing you would show up and hold my hand. I had a new tech there today. What a space cadet... and she was sick and sniffling and rubbing her nose constantly. ICK NO TOUCHING THE UNEEEK ONE WITH ICKY GERMS!  I miss Miss Lisa. She didn't ask me the same questions over because of not writing down the answer the first time... and she always had a blanket for me...

Work told me not to come in cuz apparently half our shipments haven't made it yet from whatever still flooded area they are coming from. I get to go back tomorrow instead. So I did nothing all afternoon but play with Taboo and Dixie outside... Until it got too hot to make them run around ;) it's 104ºF out today... They are both snoozing under the fan now... 

<Lacuna Coil - Underworld: Evolution - Our Truth>

Am I crazy to write letters to you? Knowing that you probably aren't going to see them? But - just maybe you can feel what I am writing go out to you in some way... I wonder if your friends and family think I'm crazy. It's ok if they do. I have papers stating I really am so they wouldn't be assuming things :)

It does help my head. I can't talk to a shrink - I've tried. I always feel like they are judging me - and when they poke too deep, I can't talk about things - you know which 'things'. Besides, if they really knew what was in my head, I'd be back in the padded room with that loverly tight jacket on again and perma-IV drip of some mind numbing medication.

I just hope everyone understands how much we meant to each other. REALLY. The love went beyond the texting and phone calls... we had no reason to hide anything or tell lies. I don't think we got to all the little things yet, but I think we covered most all the major stuff. We talked about our depression, our past relationships, jobs, suicide attempts, love, important life experiences.

You made me laugh so hard some nights :)

Sick people don't have time to lie about anything with each other. To the rest of the world - yeah, we will lie, if needed. We will tell everyone we are fine because we know you probably really don't want to know how we are. Life is just PEACHY . works just fine for non-sick people. It's just the way it is, unfortunately. 

I knew when Kenny was throwing up all day long or bleeding from his stabbies, he knew when my hands curled into claws and my face went numb when my calcium levels dropped too low. Talking would be slurring numb lip mumblemuble, *BARRRRRRRF* sometimes. Or walk walk stumble fall down. We both went thru this daily.

<Alice Cooper / Trash / This Maniac's In Love With You >

It's now a good bit later....  I can't sleep - I took my pill, so things might get weird in a few minutes. It will be like reading my odd texts at 4 am! My arms and legs and my SCALP keep going numb. Who knows what THAT is from, but it's been happening off and on for a while now. I'm not even going to think about it.

Bf and his mom took me out to eat Chinese food for dinner. It's the first real meal I've eaten since you died. Don't look at me like that... I did eat a piece of a piece of chicken yesterday or the day before yesterday.... And after my doctor appointments today, I had a Cliff Bar... At least it was protein and some carbs... Kinda cardboardy. Not gonna make those a habit... Dinner was ok, but it didn't stay in long...

I miss our foodpr0n discussions and pictures. I tormented Kristina with them today from my collection of sweets that I've made ;) I'm so evil. You know me - contributing to the extreme obesity of Mississippi and Louisiana 5 years total now and kept them in the top spot for at least 3 of them.

<Paula Cole / This Fire / Nietzsche's Eyes>

Ok - you know how benadryl IV gave you a hot ass? One of my pills makes my entire body feel like fire for about 15 minutes. I haven't figured out which pill yet, but it's one of my night pills. Thanks to you, I now notice that odd side effect. Thanks Kenny.

Last song, Last CALL for Alcohol, closing up quickly. Wheeeeee! Ambien. Whew, ambien - you kicked ass tonight. Good Job! Here, have a fiber bar.

<Puscifer / V is for Vagina / REV 22:20>

I'm signing off on that song... 

Da UnEeEk one loves Kenny.... and Puscifer and VAST and LAM and NIN, but Kenny MOSTEST