love, crazy, lost

My Kenny <3

I love you.

Your star crystal is stunning. I've just been looking at it in different lighting - and wishing for something that won't ever come true... I decided short chain for it and my butterfly. A choker would bug the hell out of me at work with my chef's jacket, even though they would look best right up in the hollow of my throat - right above my scars.

I had a dream about you this morning. You were on the beach, smiling and playing in the sand in a misty rain. You held your hand out to me and said: "I'll wait forever for you. I'm patient." Of course, now it makes me cry, but this morning - it made me smile. I hope you will be there when I get there. We can build sand castles and look for shells. You wanted to bring the good parts back to me and try to wipe out the bad things that happened, remember? The bad parts made you cry. You wanted to show me what love is supposed to be.

I had a better day today. I guess. No tears til now - I've had people over all day so I had to pretend everything was fine. You know me, the Great Pretender. "Oh hey, yeah everything is fine, Great even. Life is peachy."  I say "Everything's just peachy" so much, that Peachy become my nickname. I've learned to let tears fall without wiping or blinking them back - keeps the eyes from getting too red and puffy. Though - the red makes my green and gold irises stand out super well.

I'm still listless and staring off into space a lot. Playing ww/f doesn't interest me anymore since my favourite partner is gone. I still can't sleep (normal for 38 years) and I have no one to text at 3 am anymore. I can't pay attention enough to read anything. I don't want to bug your friends with my endless texting since I don't watch tv or go out places anymore. Sad, I'm already ON anti-depression meds. they'll probably add another for a few months... blech, more pills.

I'm trying to get past this and live life. But I miss you. It's hard. You've been my constant 24/7 companion for 10 months... Who's going to "get me" now and understand how fucked up I really am in my head without me having to explain everything in details? You knew - you've been there. You understood the pain and blood and hating and sick and pills, the puking, the dizziness. You understood the darkness living inside my head. You understood my weird, sick, morbid and disturbing sense of humor and fascination with the very things that disgust or put fear into 99% of people. Who else wants to WATCH their OWN surgeries happen, besides you and me?

I finally found someone that I could be me with and he goes off and dies on me. :/ I still love you, though.

My own boyfriend thinks I am insane, most times. If we even speak during the day. Lately, we don't even do that - you know that's been going on for a while though. Everything is just off more than usual. I can't explain it. I can't even get a kiss or hug goodnight or good morning. Though he does get a cookie for giving me a half  of a hug and saying he was sorry when he finally realized I wasn't in the room anymore and had gone to the back room to cry at the news of your death. It only took him 45 minutes to notice that I wasn't sitting 2 feet away anymore.

I go to the doctor again tomorrow. I haven't been able to eat anyhow, so the 12 hours fasting beforehand isn't a problem. The weight loss this week will be. If I wear jeans and my boots and one of my heavier t-shirts, it won't be so noticeable... Hush, I know. This doctor is the one that bitches about everything I do, right or wrong. I know, I know. Reverting back to old anorexia habits to fool the school nurse lol I think I can get him to up my Xanax for a temporary time til I get over this. Just a few weeks.

I'm so tired of tests and being poked and stabbed and biopsied. They want to schedule an appointment to take pieces of my muscle tissue now to test for mixed connective tissue disease ;/ and maybe change my lupus diagnosis... the treatment is the same - same meds and all, so it doesn't really matter other than for insurance purposes, not that I'll be able to get any if I ever lose what I little insurance have through work. Too many things wrong with me now. They still want to poke and snip pieces from my liver and uterus and stab my spinal column and take images of my brain, but I just can't bear that yet. I'm so sick of being sick. 18 years so far of officially keeping track with doctor visits. I have so many conclusive for sure diagnoses now, that I really don't want any more of them.

Seriously - bi-polar, meniere's disease, porphyria, lupus, sjogrens, osteomalacia or osteopenia i forget which, hypocalcemia, ibs, neutropenia, pernicious anemia, pcos, endometriosis, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, ulcers, osteoarthritis, graves disease, hashimotos thyroiditis, raynaulds phenomenon, migraines. there's more but I'm tired of looking at what's wrong with me.. Is adding another really going to make a difference? The med's to help me also kill me, slowly. Shoulda taken the kidney I offered earlier, old man, in a few more years, they'll be useless to me too. :) :( Then we coulda shared chair 3 lol

I go back to work tomorrow too... Joy. Back to the idiot compound. Isaac screwed up the wood floors in the restaurant. Well, duh. We've only been telling them for 5 years now the windows leak in a normal rain storm. What did they expect with a Cat1 Hurricane with 75+MPH winds and 17 inches of rain??? Not sure where I'm at tomorrow. Might get stuck in utter and complete idiot hell - the buffet... Might get lucky and be able to stay in my fancy place and bake. I don't feel like it - but I have an idea for a lemon curd filled cake with white chocolate buttercream and swiss broyage (thin, crisp baked meringue layers) and candied whole lemon slices that look like yellow stained glass... Dunno. It's technically easy, looks awesome but all the components are individually time consuming... My desire is gone right now. But I already know I'm going to be asked to make something special for the "reopening".


I have got to attempt sleep. It's going to be a long stressing day for me... doctor for who knows how many hours then work right after. I was supposed to go to work at 10 am, but that's when my appointment is so I told them I'd show up when I showed up. It's too hard to reschedule doctor appointments when it already takes 6 months to get one.... and I'm normally off on Tuesdays - so I always schedule doctors for Tuesday.

I love you. Come help me sleep.

~The crazy one