promise, rambling, tired

Kennyboy <3

Not writing didn't help me... I tried. Writing was helping more than keeping everything inside my head, I guess. I can barely function now... Still not sleeping.  I'm eating some - but it's somewhat useless when I throw up constantly from nausea and dizzyness. I'm tired of the you're so sick/getting too tiny/ looking comments. (well DUH? I AM SICK!). I know I'm annoying everyone around me with my rambling nonsense about whatever pops in my head all night and day.

Sometimes wish I didn't make that promise to you last winter. I really do. I'm tired, Kenny. So very tired. Tired of fighting myself. Tired of pills to stay alive. Tired of doctors and tests. Tired of hurting 24/7. Tired of being sick. Tired of nightmares every single night. Tired of crazy thoughts racing through my head. You wouldn't know if I broke that promise unless... what we believed is true. Then you'd yell at me for it. But, I don't break promises, even to people that are dead.

I was desperate Saturday night and had someone bring me some pain pills :( I was so sick Sunday day and night. I woke up feeling worse than usual - it's been a rough month at work mentally and physically for me - we're so shorthanded now and the OT is piling up on me. I don't know if the pills were too strong for me the night before, or the pain itself, or a migraine, or if it was just everything else catching up. I had a headache from hell, my back was spasming and I couldn't close my hands. I couldn't keep my eyes focused on anything, my world was tilting and spinning backwards more than usual. Glad Sundays have been boringly slow (football). I hate throwing up at work...

I didn't even make it the 8 miles home from work without telling Gwen to pull over (figures it was in Backatown -ghetto land- ugh - not where I wanted to be puking my guts out in the dark...). I tried taking a shower, but ended up just kneeling on the floor of the tub with my head on my knees until the hot water ran ice cold... then I just shut the water off and threw a towel over me until I stopped shaking.

maybes...

Dear Kennyboy <3

I can barely move tonight - the pain in my bones is pretty bad. I slept off and on most of the day and have now taken my 3rd pain pill along with my usual advil and aleve :( You know I have to be desperate to take my painkillers because I hate how they make me feel even more nauseated and dizzy than I already  normally feel. Nothing really works for the bone pain, I don't know why I even try to numb it. I borrowed your stars today to help deal with it. My butterflies were overwhelmed and couldn't get off the ground.

There's a buzzing in my head and it's driving me crazy because it's become more frequent in occurrence. My butterflies have never worked on that and the doctors haven't got a clue what it is or what's causing it or how to make it stop. It's like my brain is vibrating like a tuning fork... I used to just think it was something in the background - at work or wherever I was but no one else could hear it and just looked at me strangely when I would mention it. I hear/feel it everywhere I go now...

I really missed you today. It's been a month I think now since I last heard your voice live or had a text or email from you. I broke today and read the last 200 texts we had before you died... I cried. I wondered if you would have gone to the er if I had called you and asked you to go when you felt the infection spreading... Just more what if's and wonderings. I know I shouldn't question your death, and should just accept things and move on since I can't change any of what has happened... but you know how my stupid mind works - or doesn't work LOL.

I know I can't fix your being gone. I so would if I could. I'd move us back many years - oh 10 years or so, so we could have had a looooonger time together. Maybe those things wouldn't have happened to either of us to make us both hate parts of ourselves so much that we tried to erase ourselves from this life... maybe we both wouldn't have ended up with such broken scarred bodies and minds and ended relationships with those we loved. Maybe you'd still be here now, if I had been there then? I know we talked about that a few nights - if I would have appeared in your life years ago... how certain things would have been different. But - maybe it just would have prolonged the inevitable. That some things are just meant to happen no matter what and nothing will change them from occurring, they just get rewritten to a new time period. (Like in Final Destination?, just not with death only)

I need to lie down again. I'm dizzy and don't want to fall on the ceramic tile and crack my skull open (though maybe the buzzing in there would finally STOP).

I love you Kenny <3

~da uneeek one

butterflies, triggering dreams, painsomnia

Silly Kennyboy <3

I can't sleep - I forgot my crazy meds... Dunno how, I rarely forget to take any of my pills unless I finally crash out and sleep for 2-3 days straight... 

Random shuffle tonight while I occupy my wide awake self at 3 am...

< RUN D.M.C. / Greatest Hits / It's Like That >

The dreams started again last night... THOSE dreams that aren't really true dreams, but memories that come back in my dreams *draws arrows to middle of next paragraph*. The ones when I'd call or text you and be crying and scared, rambling on incoherently about the dark and blood and pain and the butterflies, waking you up in the middle of the night, and confusing you greatly until you understood I wasn't really me, and I wasn't really even awake...  Do you remember talking me through those dream nights? You asked me simple questions and didn't push me to explain - eventually you pieced things together and cried with me and talked me back to sleep. I loved you then, but I couldn't tell you then.

< Dream Theater / Awake / Lifting Shadows Off A Dream >

That song right there? - it makes me think of you... Go - Listen to it, you'll figure out why. Too bad we didn't meet when it first came out - 1993-1995 was the start of the next stage of really fucked up life experiences for me. Got married the first time, turned into a human punching bag within months of putting the ring on my finger, almost died getting out of that one. The last few months in that house, I had my chest and back cut up and burned with cigarettes, was raped, got hit with a chair leg and a baseball bat, was handcuffed to a bar in the closet with a locked door, so I couldn't leave, and the last night there - I was held against the wall with a loaded gun in my mouth and the phone cord wrapped around my neck with 911 asking what was my emergency. Lots of time spend in the hospital after that one, all broken up - fractured collar bone, concussion, broken wrist, broken fingers, 4 cracked ribs and a dislocated shoulder. Broken mind. More than once, I wished he would just kill me, or that  *I* could kill me, and be done with it all. 

Best part though? Getting blamed for it by people I trusted and loved. I really enjoyed being told that everything was all my fault and I should have been a better wife and did what my husband wanted...

All of you know who you are and Karma's a bitch :) 

Butterflies in my head saved me then, Kenny... The more things hurt, the more butterflies I saw until I couldn't feel anything happening to my body. Pain on the wings of the butterflies, up and away from me. Even in the dark, I could see them - all glittering and sparkly. 

See? The butterflies... Butterflies when I was little, butterflies then, butterflies now.

< VAST / Turquoise & Crimson / Beautiful >

The walls went up quickly after that. I quit speaking to everyone then - literally. I didn't speak for at least a year that I can remember. Quit working. Quit being human. I drank a lot and did many, many, many drugs to forget it all. I lived in parks and shelters and bus stations after I got out of the hospital and the wonderful crazy ward. I walked and rode the buses a lot. I changed cities and states like a butterfly getting pushed around by the wind. I know I saw 7 or 8 states in a few months time. Ohio, Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia, North Carolina, Georgia, Alabama... I wasn't really lost... I just fluttered around.

The first half of my water drinking tonight at work - 50 oz.... with lime!

< Silvertide / Show and Tell / You Want It All >

We were alike in so many strange, little ways too :)

Kristina told me about your lining up of diet cokes at work... I've always done it that - with endless bottles of water now instead of diet coke cans (since I'm not supposed to drink soda of any type anymore :( ) Oh, we also crush our empty cans the same way, too LOL Everyone is used to my bottle line up and crushed ice packed quart cup every shift - the only thing that changes is the fruit. Sometimes citrus, sometimes frozen berries or green apple slices. Water is SO VERY BORING! I miss my diet cokes :( Doctor said NO MORE sodas until my liver and kidney function tests are done again. *cries* Shhhhhh I still sneak one every now and then...

You'd think drinking up to 100 oz of water each shift would make me peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (each bottle is 10 oz). Nope. No peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hardly at all. Either I am super dehydrated, or my diuretic isn't working for me. I so rarely ever have to pee at work. I doubt that means anything GOOD for me these days. I miss sending you my OMG GGP! texts for those rare gotta go PEEEEEEEEEE times LOL

< Motley Crue / Greatest Hits / Primal Scream >

I'm going to attempt a nap now. I have to leave for work in a few hours. I'll whisper to your star for a few more minutes as I lie in the dark and wish for you to join me for a little while.

I love you and miss you.

love you miss you need you

Dear My Kenny <3

Having a strange night... I really miss you but I'm ok. Seriously wantneedy for things I won't have tonight, or ever the way things go with bf. You know how I am... even though I push people out of my personal space more often than not, sometimes I need do a hug or a cuddle on the sofa or my hands held for hours.

I guess I'm getting used to you not being here. I still keep expecting/wishing for you to call me, or send a text, or even just show up - saying you were horribly sick and no one could get in touch with me...  I know it won't happen, but I can still wish for it on your star...  It's clear and silvery tonight here in the dark, by the way. If I look at it at an angle, I can see flecks of different blue and green shades in it - like glitter. I think I choose the cut and crystal style well - it suits you. It goes super well with my purple butterfly.

I started out with a Pink Floyd/A Momentary Lapse of Reason playlist tonight, and now it's all random again. I didn't even notice my queue had played out an hour ago. I was drawing a little... trying to get back into the habit and routine. I need to make some more art and graphic designs to sell in my online shop.

I still have random tears. They don't last long if I let them fall, but if I try to hold them back they'll last all day. I have to hold them back at work, I have no choice really. I just wait til I get home and write to you before letting them fall fully.

< 3 Doors Down / Away From the Sun / I Feel You >

...They gave me a life that's not so easy to live

And then they sent me on my way

I left my love, forgot my dreams

I lost them along the way

Those little things you say

When words mean so much

You never back down

And they all shy away

You always listen to me...

I haven't lost anymore weight this week, I'm still at -18#... I'm trying to eat more. I'm already malnourished enough with all my vitamin deficiencies. Food just doesn't interest me right now. Nothing tastes good. The smell of some things still makes me want to throw up. I haven't had the energy, or lack of pain, to do any of my exercise beyond some stretching and playing with Taboo. Work just takes it all out of me. It's all I can do just to make it through my shifts right now.

I think I go back to the regular doctor in a couple weeks, but I'm not positive. He's the one that does all my regular yearly blud labs and likes to tell me I'm obese LOL He's also the one that wants me to be a stick figure at 120# (or less... ) At least he'll be 'okay' with my being at 170#. It's less than I was last time I saw him. My work pants are baggy now ;) And - I can button the bottom buttons of my chef jacket and have room inside it for my t-shirt!

The veins in my hands and arms stick out now sometimes - is that a good thing? They used to look all sunken in and almost black under my skin... Now they are bright blue. I can really see the blue colour in my shoulder and upper chest area. I can't get a good picture of them or I'd show you.

I declined going to a culinary competition this year - one of the guys is going to do it this time... I didn't think I could handle the stress of all that right now since I haven't been feeling all that great. They'll be others I will do. I still need my gold for desserts to complete my collection of medals for the ACF! I kinda wanted to do this one (wild game) but it's not an area I'm comfortable 'showing off' in, yet. I know you'd tell me I'd do fine and you have confidence in me and I'd say Yeah right... and I'd go do it and be fine whether I placed or not. But, I don't think you'd push me to do it if I wasn't feeling well enough. You'd want me to rest up for the next one :)

I need to attempt a nap before I go to work :( I'm not really sleepy, but I know I need to rest.

I love you Kenny <3

rest with me

Dear Kennyboy <3

I miss my stay up all night and text while in painsomnia buddy... :/  Everyone I know sleeps at night... except for me! I do need to attempt some form of lying down soon though. Got a busy day at work in a few hours. I had to make myself a prep list so I wouldn't forget what I needed to do, besides a ton of baking.

My night fevers are back again. When I do manage sleep, I wake up dripping with sweat. Not the most comfortable feeling. Makes me feel gross, especially if my hair or pillow are wet :(

First song that popped up in my playlist tonight, and it's so me...

< Savage Garden / Savage Garden / To the Moon & Back >

She's taking her time making up the reasons 

To justify all the hurt inside 

Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes 

Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one 

They're saying "Mamma never loved her much" 

And,"Daddy never keeps in touch 

That's why she shies away from human affection" 

But somewhere in a private place 

She packs her bags for outer space 

And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come 

And she'll say to him 

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be my baby 

Got a ticket for a world where we belong 

So would you be my baby? 

She can't remember a time when she felt needed 

If love was red then she was color blind 

All her friends they've been tried for treason 

And crimes that were never defined 

She's saying"Love is like a barren place 

And reaching out for human faith is like a journey 

I just don't have a map for" 

So baby's gonna take a dive and 

Push the shift to overdrive 

Send a signal that she's hanging 

All her hopes on the stars 

What a pleasant dream 

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be my baby 

Got a ticket for a world where we belong

I'm ok. I still find myself staring off into space a lot and wondering What If's and Why's and Wishing. The more I think, the more I cry and miss you. At some point, I'm going to have to move on, let go and just hold onto our happy stuff. I don't know when that will be. I'm afraid to listen to my voicemails and voxer messages from you in case I accidentally delete them. I'm afraid I'll forget your voice.

Its so rare for me to get so close to people quickly, like I did with you. It usually takes me years to feel that comfortable. I still can't stand my boyfriend's friends and family giving me hugs or touching me or getting in my personal little space and I've known them all for years now. I've never been one of those touchy feely people. I cringe when I'm around certain people cuz I know they will attempt to hug me or meeting new people that want to shake my hand or something. ICK! I can get out of the hand shaking by using my arthritis pain excuse... It's harder to dodge a hug gracefully without seeming like a bitch.

I've been having very weird, random and crazybad dreams lately. I can't even put them into words without sounding insane. I can remember every detail of them, from beginning to end. I've been sleepwalking again - I know that worried you a lot. I know it's because I'm very sleep deprived and stressed out right now. One of my med's has nightmares as a side effect... like I needed any help in THAT department and I know the ambien has the amnesia issue so I don't really know what I'm doing in my sleepwalker wanders... I do know Taboo gets up with me and stays in whatever room I end up in - I usually wake up with him sleeping on my legs.

I can feel and hear the ringing in my ears, inside my skull. I wish it would stop. Even my music isn't drowning it out tonight. Tuning it out is giving me a headache at the base of my head. It's been going on a few days now.

I'm going to lie here and close my eyes for a bit. you're welcome to come join me, I'd like the company.

Love you Kennyboy <3

*warning red bluds inside*, cats, stars n butterflies

Sillyboy <3

I'm ok... Feeling sad and missing you, but I'll be fine. I have these:

Butterfly and Star

They'll get me through this. Your star is blue and green tonight in the dark. I couldn't get a picture of it without a flash and that just wasn't going to work...

<Evanescence / Fallen / Hello>

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm I'm still here 
All that's left of yesterday

I love Amy Lee's voice... and her eyes... and this song. It's fitting for me tonight.

I cut my finger open today at work getting a knife out of my chef bag. Just a small nick, really, but my goodness, did it bleed. 2 hours straight! I went through 5 paper towels and I'm not sure how much went down the sink while I was washing the cut out...

This is paper towel #5. I put the rest in the biohazard box in the locker room. 

My first thought? Oh, Kenny would LOVE this. 2 hours of drippy bluds. I imagined you spending the whole time just licksucking the bluds off the tip of my finger. Or rubbing it on my lips and having you  kissing it off them. Yup, I am blud loving crazy person, too.

But, since I was at work, I kinda had to make a tourniquet with paper towels and masking tape until it stopped enough to keep a bandaid on. Not sure if I should tell my doctor of this or not LOL It's only a 2mm long cut and only a bit deeper than a papercut but the non stop bleeding was a bit odd. I thought it had stopped after a few minutes, but as soon as I unwrapped it the first time, bluds squirted out over the sink. Gwen freaked ;) She hates bluds.

Of course, my arm hurts now like it does when I have my hour long blud sucking treatments with the vampires. Maybe I lost a bit more than I think... At least it's not orange anymore... I'm covering it with xeroform gauze tonight, and tomorrow at work I'll put my MRSA topical stuff on it with a waterproof bandage, just in case. I think it bled enough to prevent anything sticking around inside it, but... staph is going around work again. Yeah. 

One of the casino bartenders just died from staph in his blood and infecting his brain :( He was only 30. Here one day, gone the next. :( So much death around me again. Bf's dad, you, a bartender and a maintenance guy - both from work, Gwen's sister - just this year, of people I knew. 

<Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross / TGWTDT / Another Way of Caring>

I know I shouldn't, but I want to watch The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo again. Alone, so if I cry, no one will stare at me. I'm prepared for my personal trigger scenes and will FF through them if I feel like I need to, since I don't have you to talk to about them anymore... They were like reliving that crap all over again and I didn't know they were included in the movie since I didn't read the book first and I refused to look at any trailers or reviews online about the movie :( I know you hated hearing about that happening to me - I heard you crying, even though it was way forever in the past. You are only the second person I've shared all the details with and the only one who understood the joyous fun of being sent to the looney bin after. 

I'm fine, really. Not lying. I'm not even crying. Ok, I was crying a little earlier but I was reading old texts from you. I'm afraid to delete them. What if I forget things?? 

<House of Krazees / Season of the Pumpkin / Season of the Pumpin>

The cats are being weird... 

Callie has decided to live in my backpack -

and Booger likes the old computer chair next to the dog food bowls - 

Both torment Taboo - even when he isn't near them! They growl from the hallway while he's at the other side of the house if they see him. They'll paw his nose or paws when he's sleeping on the sofa. They hiss and yowl for no reason if a human is around to hear it. They sneak into my closet or under my bed and growl at Taboo while he's sleeping on the bed. He barely goes near them - and avoids eye contact with them whenever possible. I can't keep their door closed anymore because they now bodyslam it endlessly or paw underneath it until it gets so annoying I open the door... It's hard for me to sleep as it is - that racket is GAH!! It sounds like an exorcism going on in there!!! How did I get stuck with these two monsters?? I hate cats. Why do *I* have to take care of bf's mom's cats??? Booger clawed the shit out of my arm last night when I was shooing her off the counter tops and Callie insists I'm her new best friend when I'm brushing my teeth...

<Big Dumb Face / Duke Lion Fights the Terror!! / Voices in the Wall>

chatterboxing

numbers talking

silent, softer

somehow smarter

voices in the wall

they are far

they are talking something

something that is small

very tiny

speaking silently

they are working

hard

making, bumping

they are doing

something,

something that

is small

in the wall

they are

fidgeting.

small hands

working

scraping

something

over here

press your

ear...

they want

us out

they'd be 

gone by now

if they

knew

how...

Did I mention that I miss you? How bout I love you? Well, I do. miss you and love you. Did I ever get you to listen to Big Dumb Face? I hope I did. It's so stupidly creepy silly lol

And for a totally random WTF ... Why do I have a track of whale sound lullabies? How odd. I do remember it now that I think about it. And, I thought it sounded beautiful. Still do.

And on that - I need to lie down. I'm getting dizzy and pukie feeling and my brain is telling my eyes that what they are seeing doesn't exist. If I sit here much longer, I can't be held responsible for the nonsense spewing forth.



I LOVE YOU KENNY!
come protect me in my sleep from bad dreams

~Uneeek!

tears, protection

My Silly Lovie Kenny Boy <3

I hope you are doing ok up in the stars. I really miss you and wish you hadn't left yet, but I understand. I'm doing ok most of the time. I still find myself in tears at night during "our time". I will totally admit to crying when I start every single one of my letters to you, but by the end of my time with you each night, I'm usually dry eyed and more calm. Usually, not always. I'll get there. Promise.

< Black Label Society / 1919 Eternal / Bridge to Cross >

...My spirit is bent and there's blood on my hands

The more I'm down, the less I understand

Once so found, now so lost

I ask no questions, it's just one more bridge to cross...

I don't need the Xanax to get through my days now and have been trying to not use it much at all. I need to work this out in my head and heart on my own, I guess. You know me - I'm stubborn and hard headed. I'll deal and get through. I've made it this far now. I rely on whispering to your star a lot when I'm sitting here alone in the dark. I imagine you whispering back that everything will be all right soon. You don't know how much I wish that to be true. I've never had my heart ache so much or shed so many tears before. I miss you!

I truly hope you are waiting for me, out there, somewhere.

< VAST/ Seattle 2007 / Flames (Seattle acoustic) >

...You are the only thing

That makes me want to live at all...

This is easily one of my most favourite songs - VAST/Flames. Aren't you glad I got you to listen to them? This version (acoustic) of Flames is so sad sounding, but it's really not a sad song. It's a song about learning to love and feel again. It's how you made me feel. I think I did the same for you.

I still dream of you every night - sometimes it's of you dying. Sometimes it's just one of our text conversations played out in movie form - with us speaking face to face instead of texting on our phones. I will wake up from those with a smile, but then, I cry when I realize it was only a dream and that it will never happen. 

I'm probably crazy. I'll pinkyswear you were here the other night, brushing a stray strand of hair off my face. I caught a shadow out of the corner of my eye right before I felt the hair move, but when I turned to look, the shadow was gone, of course. Maybe it was you, maybe it was the ceiling fan moving my hair, maybe the shadow was one of my weird eyeball floater thingies. I don't know. 

You know what I believe in. You know I believe in the afterlife and the spirit worlds. You know I believe in 'ghosts'. You know I believe in what my dreams show me. I could easily believe it was you coming to watch over me. You always said you would protect me and keep me safe while you were alive, so it's not hard to believe you would after death, as well.

< Nine Inch Nails / The Fragile (left) / The Fragile >

She shines

In a world full of ugliness

She matters when everything is meaningless

Fragile

She doesn't see her beauty

She tries to get away

Sometimes

It's just that nothing seems worth saving

I can't watch her slip away

I won't let you fall apart

She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by

Hoping someone can see

If I could fix myself I'd - but it's too late for me

I wont let you fall apart

We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide

I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side

...but they keep waiting

...and picking...

It's something I have to do

I was there, too

Before everything else

I was like you

Taboo and his giant cow bone

I brought Taboo home a treat from work. A super giant beef steamship bone. I'm sure he thought he was in doggie heaven. He literally gnawed on it for 2 hours straight. He's now passed out asleep on the sofa with his paws twitching and snoring. I bet he wakes up with sore jaws in the morning.

I need to go lie down. My lower back still aches and today I couldn't pee, there wasn't any even though I drank a half gallon of water today ;/ Yes, I know... I'll be ok. 

I love you :)

I'm OK...

Dear Kenny <3

I'm OK. I miss you. I love you.

Kelly picked up your ashes and a few belongings from your apartment to send to me :/ I know when I receive them I am going to totally lose control and cry. I still keep expecting a text or phone call from you... I guess this will give me closure that you aren't coming back ever. Damnit Kenny.

One of the cats has decided to live in a Dogfood box on the gaming table. The cat growls at taboo from across the room lol

I still can't eat much or do much of anything without getting dizzy or feeling nauseated. Showering exhausts me. Working hurts. Lying down hurts my joints. Standing makes the room spin and tilt. I can't sleep. I stay up all night and nap for a couple hours when I see sunlight before I go to work.

I can't quit. I promised you I wouldn't.

I love you.

silly little happies, broken, bugs

My Crazy Kennyboy <3

I broke today at work when Marsi sent her email... It made me so sad. It answered a couple questions I had though. I was hoping for different answers than I received, but...

Thankfully, no one noticed the tears at work and I quickly hid them away until I clocked out and got home. Damnit Kenny. Stop making me cry now. It makes my nose run and gives me a migraine :( 

I picked up an extra 10 hr shift this week. Private party for Gov. Edwards. Blech. You know how I hate politics... It's on Tuesday - our text all day and night marathon day while you had dialysis :(  Never thought I'd miss your 'ClearOnThree' texts to let  me know you were getting your bluds scrubbied :(

Kenny getting his bluds scrubbied at dialysis
ClearOnThree

I have to find something to do to take up the 'free' time I have now so I'd stop living in and wishing for the past. If I stayed home all alone I'll just make myself upset by listening to your voicemails and videos and looking at pictures over and over. I'm sorry. I don't think you'd like me sitting here and moping and crying all the time - you hated me being sad or upset. You'd want me to be happy you're free and pain free and you'd want me to move on with my life so I'd have good stories to tell you later when we meet again. You better be waiting for me over there. We still have a lot to discover!

I'm trying. It's hard, Kenny. I can't explain. You were my life. I spent so much time trying to get YOU to see all the little silly tiny happies in the world that with you not here with me, it's hard for ME to find them for myself again. Maybe I don't want to find them now. Who's going to appreciate them besides you and me?? 

 

a slug under my door. No I didn't eat it...

weird bug. no I didn't eat it either...

me: "Hey! I found a cicada exoskeleton, wiggly slug, cricket, weird bug....!"

everyone else: "EW!"

you: "NEAT! Take a picture then... Let's eat it! or LICK IT!"

me: "OK! YUM!"

everyone else: "YOU ARE SO DISGUSTING!"

See? Who's gonna be weird with me now? 

I need to lie down. I've not been feeling well this week. The dizzyspinnypukie feelings aren't going away and I don't know what else to try :( I don't want to see the doctor again... Great now I sound like you.

I love you sillyboy.

~The Uneeek One

depression

Kenny love <3

I almost had a mini breakdown today at work, just thinking about you and things we used to talk about and imagine doing in the future. I can't let myself cry at work. I have a hard enough time as it is there by being a girl chef in a job field monopolized by stupid males without showing how much their shit attitude towards female equals bothers me. Crying would cause.... bad shit to go on. 

Instead, I blinked back tears and chomped ice to push the sobs back down and now I'm home and slipping over the edge. 

You know how rarely I let things get to me and cry, especially when others can see me. Normally I'm the unshakable one, the one who never breaks... LOL But lately... ugh. I'm an emotional wreck. Thanks a lot Kenny! Still love you though. You made me feel things again... then you went and died on me and fucked my whole world up.

I don't know why I can't get past this. What am I not letting myself see? Why can't I let you go? I wake up crying in my sleep. I cry when I'm alone. I cry most of the night - the times we talked the most. I don't know how to deal with this.

I knew you were much more sick than you let on - I'm the same way. Even with the Vampire genes (porphyria) in my blud, I know I'm not immortal no matter how much I say I am going to live forever or that drinking some of my blud could heal you. I guess I was wishing some miracle would happen for you... for us. Like a working kidney or a magic pill or a better doctor to fix you. I held onto such hope. All of my sicknesses are autoimmune and/or genetic. There probably isn't such fixes for me. I wished you were strong enough to wait it out with me. To be here for a long time.

I remember asking you a few days before if you were dying and you said NO! I'm fine, hon. I'm not leaving you lovie. A couple days later, you sent me a video telling me how much you loved me and for me to always remember that. The next night, you were gone. You knew, didn't you? 

Kelly is going to be sending me part of your ashes soon - and I'm hoping for some of your belongings for purely selfish reasons I suppose - but I really want your hat and your t-shirt so I can hold you and your phone - I want to hear your voice and see your face even if it is just a video recording. And your pinup girl coffee table book because I know it was your favourite. 

Maybe that will give me the closure I need. 

I hope so. 

I love you

nightmares, death, sleep

Dear Kennyboy :)

I had an ok day today... I guess.

Work was pretty boring other than the oven repairman almost catching us on fire from a gas line leak and not being able to get to the shut off quick enough since it's behind immovable equipment. I ran out of busy work and started on my prep for Friday and pretty much have that done, too. I'll bake to fill time and avoid being sent home early. Can never have too many brownies or baby bundt cakes in the freezer.

I've been having bad dreams again. Really bad dreams. One recurring one - several times a week, about your death, which I don't want to talk about because I really hope it didn't happen like I keep dreaming. I hope you didn't suffer like that. Then I dreamed I died violently, again. I thought you weren't supposed to die in your own dreams? Why do *I* keep dying in mine? I had what I call my 9/11 dream - people jumping from tall, burning buildings and splattering on the sidewalk below and oblivious people just walking around the bodies on the ground like nothing is wrong. I've had this one since before 9/11 happened.

And I had my nearly endless, dark alleyway dream, with the walls lined with old circus posters of clowns, slowly changing into real clowns by the time I reach a doorway entering a room of locked file cabinets and dusty boxes surrounded by walls and chains. They taunt me to look inside them, saying if I don't, they'll hurt or take away someone I love. They've already taken away you... there's only one person left to hurt or take away...

I've already determined the files and boxes are the memories I've hidden away. When I was really little, I would pad lock and chain the bad things behind closed doors and build walls around them in my head to make them go away ;/ My walls - the very same ones you've always poked holes in and climbed through trying to help me deal with things in little pieces.

You know it's not a new topic for my dreams to feature or focus on blood, fire, death and the destruction of life. I don't tell too many people about my dreams because they find them extremely disturbing and then go on to tell me I have severe issues and need mental help. Really?

I woke up with Taboo staring at me, which either means he has to pee, or I was tossing and turning again.

The doctor won't refill my ambien anymore because I've had too many consecutive refills in a row :( I'll probably never sleep again unless I go back to taking klonopin. Then I would be in zombie mode all the time...

I miss you talking me into sleep. I miss you calling me and just letting me listen to your heart beating before sleeping. I miss having someone to talk to all night so I wouldn't have to sleep and dream.

I love you.

sick, missing you, crying

Damnit Kenny!

I made it all day, then about an hour ago, I started crying. Just out of the blue. And not just tears. Full out crying. I'm trying to deal with this, really. I can be strong all day, but when I'm alone at night - I just can't do it. This used to be our time to chitchat and catch up on our day. When we'd send goofy pictures and have serious discussions and play ww/f all at the same time. When you'd tell me I was beautiful and that you loved me. When we'd come up with silly things to do with each other - like have a picnic on the living room floor at 4 am, or make sand castles on the beach, or colouring in colouring books.

This is very unlike me, all these tears. I usually only cry when I'm so angry I can't speak. I don't feel angry at you. Maybe I am. I don't really know. I don't want to be if I am - I don't think I really could be. I am upset that you're dead and I feel selfish for wanting you back just for me, even though you would be in pain. But I don't think I'm mad at you... 

I am afraid I'll stop remembering all the silly little things... I'm still afraid to stop hurting inside but I also know I can't sit around all the time hoping and wishing for something that will never ever happen, unless you become a zombie or a vampire... This would be the perfect place to do that, ya know. New Orleans. Voodoo. Vampires. Crazy lifestyle. It's my turn to say it: "C'mere, c'mere, c'mere! You know you want to!"

You and your off-centered picture taking-ness :P

I miss my Kenny - everything about you. I'd do most anything to have you back with me, but... pet sematary.... yeah. That would be my luck... You'd come back, but not be you. Then you'd eat my face off while wearing a creepy clown mask and stuff. :) and you know how I feel about CLOWNS! Ugh 2 Stephen King references in a row. AHHH!!! 

Ok, I'm better. Kinda. Ok, not really. I'll get thru it. I'm just having a moment. I'm extra super hurty and stuck awake and I have no one to talk to anymore. Normal people sleep at night. We weren't normal :) Even with my extra strength ambien and other stuff I might 'sleep' 3-4 hours. Usually it's tossing and turning and feeling pain and having nightmares. I've never slept well. Even as a kid. I had night mares, night terrors, sleep walked and eventually I quit sleeping in high school for days at a time. Probably why I have such vivid dreams... I wonder if a sleep study could detect that. There's got to be one that measures dream activity.

I'm having horrible charlie horses in my calves - they make my feet curl up from the muscles and stuff getting so twisted up. I'll have bruises soon ;/ Those are always pretty. My knees are swelling and ache something awful. The joints in my fingers are getting more cyst things in them. They look like tons of mini ganglion cysts, but on my joints. I hit one today on the cooler door at work. Yeah, I had to go sit down for a minute with my hand on the floor of the freezer to numb it. "Where's ANNE?"  "She's in the freezer!" "WHY?!" "She hurt her hand!" "Does she need to go to security?" "NO!!!! She hit one of those lump things on her fingers!"

In my job, going to security = drug test. I'll pass the stupid test - really. But - it takes an HOUR while they fill out paperwork, get the swab thing (and with my sjogrens I can't make spit hardly at all so it takes a REALLY long time to get enough in the stupid swab to test), take pictures of 'The INCIDENT Area' - they get all CSI on this stuff. I needed a bandaid one day after cutting my finger on an aluminum pie pan and someone saw me bleeding before I got my bandaid on (I keep a supply in my bag) and had security escort me to the office for the test. FOR A BANDAID. (I bleed like crazy from a few of my meds, so any medium hard bump against something=blud!). One hour and 26 sheets of paper later, I got my bandaid. It ended up being latex so I took it off as soon as I stopped bleeding and just used masking tape and a glove over my own personal latex frees...

I felt pukie all fucking day. Woke up dizzy and somehow managed to work feeling like the world was spinning backwards and sideways all day. Gwen's driving just about did me in on the way home from work tonight, though. I had my seatbelt off before she had fully stopped outside the house and flung the truck door open, jumped out and said Bye! and threw up on the street as she drove away. Then made it to the house and got inside and became pukie again because BF had been smoking stinky cigarettes while watching football. 

Poor Taboo didn't know what was up. I closed the bathroom door on his nose on accident so I could kneel in front of the toilet for 30 minutes :( I never ignore the silly furface! We cuddled and played when I was done being sick. 

How could I ignore this?

I think I'm just gonna lie here in the dark for a bit. Maybe I'll sleep. I'm hurty all over and I have this bad feeling they are going to put me on saute/fish station permanently. One because they know I can do it and I'm the only other one that CAN do it... and I'm a girl. The first girl ever to work that station since the place opened. I HATE SAUTE. I trained pastries and sweets, not fish... *sigh* well, maybe I'll get a raise. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA now that's a fantasy.

I love you Kenny. You always believed in me even when I didn't. Kinda why I said I'd learn that stupid fish station a few months ago. You kept saying you knew I could do it... DAMN YOU!

I love you. Come see me tonight and help me sleep and make me strong.

~Uneeek!

love, crazy, lost

My Kenny <3

I love you.

Your star crystal is stunning. I've just been looking at it in different lighting - and wishing for something that won't ever come true... I decided short chain for it and my butterfly. A choker would bug the hell out of me at work with my chef's jacket, even though they would look best right up in the hollow of my throat - right above my scars.

I had a dream about you this morning. You were on the beach, smiling and playing in the sand in a misty rain. You held your hand out to me and said: "I'll wait forever for you. I'm patient." Of course, now it makes me cry, but this morning - it made me smile. I hope you will be there when I get there. We can build sand castles and look for shells. You wanted to bring the good parts back to me and try to wipe out the bad things that happened, remember? The bad parts made you cry. You wanted to show me what love is supposed to be.

I had a better day today. I guess. No tears til now - I've had people over all day so I had to pretend everything was fine. You know me, the Great Pretender. "Oh hey, yeah everything is fine, Great even. Life is peachy."  I say "Everything's just peachy" so much, that Peachy become my nickname. I've learned to let tears fall without wiping or blinking them back - keeps the eyes from getting too red and puffy. Though - the red makes my green and gold irises stand out super well.

I'm still listless and staring off into space a lot. Playing ww/f doesn't interest me anymore since my favourite partner is gone. I still can't sleep (normal for 38 years) and I have no one to text at 3 am anymore. I can't pay attention enough to read anything. I don't want to bug your friends with my endless texting since I don't watch tv or go out places anymore. Sad, I'm already ON anti-depression meds. they'll probably add another for a few months... blech, more pills.

I'm trying to get past this and live life. But I miss you. It's hard. You've been my constant 24/7 companion for 10 months... Who's going to "get me" now and understand how fucked up I really am in my head without me having to explain everything in details? You knew - you've been there. You understood the pain and blood and hating and sick and pills, the puking, the dizziness. You understood the darkness living inside my head. You understood my weird, sick, morbid and disturbing sense of humor and fascination with the very things that disgust or put fear into 99% of people. Who else wants to WATCH their OWN surgeries happen, besides you and me?

I finally found someone that I could be me with and he goes off and dies on me. :/ I still love you, though.

My own boyfriend thinks I am insane, most times. If we even speak during the day. Lately, we don't even do that - you know that's been going on for a while though. Everything is just off more than usual. I can't explain it. I can't even get a kiss or hug goodnight or good morning. Though he does get a cookie for giving me a half  of a hug and saying he was sorry when he finally realized I wasn't in the room anymore and had gone to the back room to cry at the news of your death. It only took him 45 minutes to notice that I wasn't sitting 2 feet away anymore.

I go to the doctor again tomorrow. I haven't been able to eat anyhow, so the 12 hours fasting beforehand isn't a problem. The weight loss this week will be. If I wear jeans and my boots and one of my heavier t-shirts, it won't be so noticeable... Hush, I know. This doctor is the one that bitches about everything I do, right or wrong. I know, I know. Reverting back to old anorexia habits to fool the school nurse lol I think I can get him to up my Xanax for a temporary time til I get over this. Just a few weeks.

I'm so tired of tests and being poked and stabbed and biopsied. They want to schedule an appointment to take pieces of my muscle tissue now to test for mixed connective tissue disease ;/ and maybe change my lupus diagnosis... the treatment is the same - same meds and all, so it doesn't really matter other than for insurance purposes, not that I'll be able to get any if I ever lose what I little insurance have through work. Too many things wrong with me now. They still want to poke and snip pieces from my liver and uterus and stab my spinal column and take images of my brain, but I just can't bear that yet. I'm so sick of being sick. 18 years so far of officially keeping track with doctor visits. I have so many conclusive for sure diagnoses now, that I really don't want any more of them.

Seriously - bi-polar, meniere's disease, porphyria, lupus, sjogrens, osteomalacia or osteopenia i forget which, hypocalcemia, ibs, neutropenia, pernicious anemia, pcos, endometriosis, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, ulcers, osteoarthritis, graves disease, hashimotos thyroiditis, raynaulds phenomenon, migraines. there's more but I'm tired of looking at what's wrong with me.. Is adding another really going to make a difference? The med's to help me also kill me, slowly. Shoulda taken the kidney I offered earlier, old man, in a few more years, they'll be useless to me too. :) :( Then we coulda shared chair 3 lol

I go back to work tomorrow too... Joy. Back to the idiot compound. Isaac screwed up the wood floors in the restaurant. Well, duh. We've only been telling them for 5 years now the windows leak in a normal rain storm. What did they expect with a Cat1 Hurricane with 75+MPH winds and 17 inches of rain??? Not sure where I'm at tomorrow. Might get stuck in utter and complete idiot hell - the buffet... Might get lucky and be able to stay in my fancy place and bake. I don't feel like it - but I have an idea for a lemon curd filled cake with white chocolate buttercream and swiss broyage (thin, crisp baked meringue layers) and candied whole lemon slices that look like yellow stained glass... Dunno. It's technically easy, looks awesome but all the components are individually time consuming... My desire is gone right now. But I already know I'm going to be asked to make something special for the "reopening".


I have got to attempt sleep. It's going to be a long stressing day for me... doctor for who knows how many hours then work right after. I was supposed to go to work at 10 am, but that's when my appointment is so I told them I'd show up when I showed up. It's too hard to reschedule doctor appointments when it already takes 6 months to get one.... and I'm normally off on Tuesdays - so I always schedule doctors for Tuesday.

I love you. Come help me sleep.

~The crazy one