growth, new life, letting go

Look Kenny - See how much the Philodendron Monstera has grown? Look how large the leaves have gotten - a few are half the height of me (no short jokes from the peanut gallery Kenny)! With all the rain from Isaac, it's already started new leaves in the center - they are the lighter green ones in there with the brown casing falling off. It's taller than the 8' fence behind it and is growing up against the carport top thingy. When I can't get into the yard around it, I trim the leaves and sell them to the florist for her tropical arrangements.

When it "blooms" it looks like a banana... During the day, the center comes out and puffs up to release the pollen, then at night, it closes back up again.  Though - knowing you - you are totally going to see something perverted in this. I know I do. LOL

It has the most interesting bark - can you see it in there? - it reminds me of a pineapple LOL

My yard looks like Jurassic Park when all the plants are in full tropical bloom. My landlord planted some banana trees along the fence near the sago palm and the pecan tree.

<Pantera / Cowboys From Hell / Cemetary Gates>

...Sometimes when I'm alone
I wonder aloud
If you're watching over me
Some place far abound

I must reverse my life
I can't live in the past
Then set my soul free
Belong to me at last...

I woke up today without tears. I still feel sad, but I'm ok. Really, I am. I miss you and love you and wanted more time with you. I always will - but you are in a much better place now - happy and pain free and full of beautiful life, and you better be jumping in mud puddles and making cloud picture stories like we planned on doing. When I join you, we can have that picnic by the water we always wanted with our cute homemade little sushi bento boxes and go wander the beach, hand in hand, looking for cool shells and frosted sea glass and little creatures in the tide pools. You can pick me some wild daisies and I'd be silly and put them in my hair to make you smile.

I don't think I mentioned this yet, but in the spring, I'm going to donate some fruit trees in your name to the boys and girls club memorial gardens. The kids learn how to take care of the trees and harvest the fruit and donate it to the soup kitchen and the homeless and the needy. I think you would like that. I know I would like it done for me when I die. The shelters helped me when I really needed it way back when...

I promised I wouldn't quit on you, me or us. I meant that. I've never broken a promise. I plan to live in the now again and show you I'm strong and still that crazy, uneeek, fearless chick you meet online. Not afraid to take chances and believe in things you've shown me. To live for me, as me. To hope. To love. To GIVE. To make my own way again.

It's going to be a bumpy road and a helluva ride - Are you up to tagging along? Taboo says you can if you promise to throw his frisbee and ball all the time and keep me safe. He's sitting here beside me with his paw and his chin in my lap and looking at the monitor and keyboard...

<P!NK / Funhouse / Glitter in the Air>

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

And it's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
Breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La la la la la la la la

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself 
Will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight

This song reminds me of you. and how I felt talking to you, dreaming with you, hoping, loving, laughing. It just popped up in my playlist again - it's one of my favourites.

I have almost enough of my idea sketched out for the tattooist. Now, my mission is to find one that can do our butterflies, glitter and stars justice. I have a paycheck budgeted out for it.

Helen brought food for me. She knows I haven't been eating at all this week. She understands - it's only been a few months since Happy died. But she's a nurse... she brought some yogurts and plums and bananas and some fresh cauliflower and baby carrots and some juices and protein shakes. I'm trying to eat - I promise. I just can't get anything to stay down... or in. Everything is tasteless and goes down like lead, if it goes down at all. My appetite is gone. I don't crave anything, nothing sounds yummy. I can't even look at the foodpr0n without feeling pukey and sick.

I need to take a break... clean up my yard and walk Taboo... I really just want to curl back up in bed...

I love you Kenny.