I'm hurting like hell tonight. My joints are screaming at me - particularly my knees and wrists. My pills aren't working. I did manage to, ummm, eat something today, I guess you could call it that. I had a couple mouthfuls of pasta before getting sick to my stomach and getting dizzy with pain. I laid on the floor next to my desk to keep from falling out of my chair. I can't get into my doctor's office until Tuesday and I can't bring myself to go to the bandaid station for help. I hate that place. They never know what's going on in there. They have no experience with people like me. I shoulda finished med school - maybe THEN they'd listen to me. Right now, they just assume I'm a hypochondriac and a pill seeker... Yeah, me... I hate taking the pills I need to live, let alone anything extra.
I have my butterflies ready - when I finally lie down, they'll help send my pain away for a little while so I can rest a bit.
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| Glass wing butterfly - It looks like glitter! |
I'll be ok. This is just a flare up, brought on by stress and overdoing things... and not sleeping, or eating right .... It just hurts. Everything hurts.
I can feel my heart - th-th-thump, thumpthumpthump, th-thump... so erratic and not my normal slow 60 bpm. My little machine said it's at 97 bpm... and the little graph was jaggy all over the place. I've somehow managed to lose 10# this week. I borrowed the scale from Helen's room...
I did manage to get in the shower today, but I sat on the floor under the spray, to worn out to do anything else. The very acts of brushing my hair, and my teeth and undressing exhausted me. I fell asleep in the tub and awoke when the water ran cold and my lips and fingertips were blue. Taboo was whining at the bathroom door - I forgot to leave it cracked open for him to come in and lay on the mat in front of the tub. I told you, he's always at my side. I rescued him 5 years ago, he rescues me now.
You know it's hard to find a positive when one feels like shit. I know - I've been going through this pain crap for just about half my life or so now. It's caused me to nearly quit more than once. Three times I know for sure... The last 5 years have been pretty bad.
I made a promise to you - I won't quit.
You know me - I'm stubborn and hardheaded and faithful and loyal to a fault. A Capricorn through and through. I make a promise, I keep a promise.
Drewcifer made some homemade chocolate almond pudding, in an effort to cheer me up and get me to eat something. He's a good kid - a little lost, but he'll find his way. He's off college this week due to Isaac and the holiday weekend. He's my caramel junkie - if I make a dessert with homemade caramel in it, he's all over it and begging for stuff to do around the house to get a treat. Remember when he slashed his leg open cutting the grass? He got a whole milk chocolate and caramel buttercream filled cake for himself lol
The cats are being bad tonight. I can hear Callie and Booger clawing and throwing themselves against the base of the door to their room trying to get out and yowling over my headphones. I can't leave them out unattended all night - they'll tear shit up. My game mini figurines are not cat toys. I let them out all day in here and they are fine, come darkness and they turn into hellcats. I hate cats, but they are Helen's and she's at the B&B working a wedding this weekend, so they are stuck here... Maybe I'll chase them with the vacuum tomorrow... *evil grin*
I'm still missing you. Terribly missing you. I've stopped crying for the most part - but every once in a while, I get caught off guard. A song, a picture, sometimes just a word. My days just seem.... so grey sometimes.
Here's a secret - I'm afraid to stop hurting - afraid I'll forget
all the little bits and pieces
that made you - YOU and we - US.
I'm afraid to fully let go of you.
Other than Stephen, I've never had anyone I truly loved, die.
Kristina and I have been texting a bunch - mostly about you, but some other things too. I told her about the tattoo I want... did I tell you the details yet? Probably not... Here goes - starting at my left hip and ending over my right shoulder - hands cupping butterflies and stars, (and maybe lips blowing - still debating that part) my purple green and blue butterfly whirlwind swirling up with your stars mixed in and with glitter raining down my lower back...your name and my sister's name entwined in the butterfly wings... and later I want a Cherokee rose for my family's Cherokee bluds and vampire teefs for my vampire bluds ;) I'll probably get a dream catcher and a mermaid (for happy) at some point.
Zombie pills kicking in FINALLY.
Love you Kenny, come to bed.
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