I made it all day, then about an hour ago, I started crying. Just out of the blue. And not just tears. Full out crying. I'm trying to deal with this, really. I can be strong all day, but when I'm alone at night - I just can't do it. This used to be our time to chitchat and catch up on our day. When we'd send goofy pictures and have serious discussions and play ww/f all at the same time. When you'd tell me I was beautiful and that you loved me. When we'd come up with silly things to do with each other - like have a picnic on the living room floor at 4 am, or make sand castles on the beach, or colouring in colouring books.
This is very unlike me, all these tears. I usually only cry when I'm so angry I can't speak. I don't feel angry at you. Maybe I am. I don't really know. I don't want to be if I am - I don't think I really could be. I am upset that you're dead and I feel selfish for wanting you back just for me, even though you would be in pain. But I don't think I'm mad at you...
I am afraid I'll stop remembering all the silly little things... I'm still afraid to stop hurting inside but I also know I can't sit around all the time hoping and wishing for something that will never ever happen, unless you become a zombie or a vampire... This would be the perfect place to do that, ya know. New Orleans. Voodoo. Vampires. Crazy lifestyle. It's my turn to say it: "C'mere, c'mere, c'mere! You know you want to!"
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| You and your off-centered picture taking-ness :P |
I miss my Kenny - everything about you. I'd do most anything to have you back with me, but... pet sematary.... yeah. That would be my luck... You'd come back, but not be you. Then you'd eat my face off while wearing a creepy clown mask and stuff. :) and you know how I feel about CLOWNS! Ugh 2 Stephen King references in a row. AHHH!!!
Ok, I'm better. Kinda. Ok, not really. I'll get thru it. I'm just having a moment. I'm extra super hurty and stuck awake and I have no one to talk to anymore. Normal people sleep at night. We weren't normal :) Even with my extra strength ambien and other stuff I might 'sleep' 3-4 hours. Usually it's tossing and turning and feeling pain and having nightmares. I've never slept well. Even as a kid. I had night mares, night terrors, sleep walked and eventually I quit sleeping in high school for days at a time. Probably why I have such vivid dreams... I wonder if a sleep study could detect that. There's got to be one that measures dream activity.
I'm having horrible charlie horses in my calves - they make my feet curl up from the muscles and stuff getting so twisted up. I'll have bruises soon ;/ Those are always pretty. My knees are swelling and ache something awful. The joints in my fingers are getting more cyst things in them. They look like tons of mini ganglion cysts, but on my joints. I hit one today on the cooler door at work. Yeah, I had to go sit down for a minute with my hand on the floor of the freezer to numb it. "Where's ANNE?" "She's in the freezer!" "WHY?!" "She hurt her hand!" "Does she need to go to security?" "NO!!!! She hit one of those lump things on her fingers!"
In my job, going to security = drug test. I'll pass the stupid test - really. But - it takes an HOUR while they fill out paperwork, get the swab thing (and with my sjogrens I can't make spit hardly at all so it takes a REALLY long time to get enough in the stupid swab to test), take pictures of 'The INCIDENT Area' - they get all CSI on this stuff. I needed a bandaid one day after cutting my finger on an aluminum pie pan and someone saw me bleeding before I got my bandaid on (I keep a supply in my bag) and had security escort me to the office for the test. FOR A BANDAID. (I bleed like crazy from a few of my meds, so any medium hard bump against something=blud!). One hour and 26 sheets of paper later, I got my bandaid. It ended up being latex so I took it off as soon as I stopped bleeding and just used masking tape and a glove over my own personal latex frees...
I felt pukie all fucking day. Woke up dizzy and somehow managed to work feeling like the world was spinning backwards and sideways all day. Gwen's driving just about did me in on the way home from work tonight, though. I had my seatbelt off before she had fully stopped outside the house and flung the truck door open, jumped out and said Bye! and threw up on the street as she drove away. Then made it to the house and got inside and became pukie again because BF had been smoking stinky cigarettes while watching football.
Poor Taboo didn't know what was up. I closed the bathroom door on his nose on accident so I could kneel in front of the toilet for 30 minutes :( I never ignore the silly furface! We cuddled and played when I was done being sick.
How could I ignore this?
I think I'm just gonna lie here in the dark for a bit. Maybe I'll sleep. I'm hurty all over and I have this bad feeling they are going to put me on saute/fish station permanently. One because they know I can do it and I'm the only other one that CAN do it... and I'm a girl. The first girl ever to work that station since the place opened. I HATE SAUTE. I trained pastries and sweets, not fish... *sigh* well, maybe I'll get a raise.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA now that's a fantasy.
I love you Kenny. You always believed in me even when I didn't. Kinda why I said I'd learn that stupid fish station a few months ago. You kept saying you knew I could do it... DAMN YOU!
I love you. Come see me tonight and help me sleep and make me strong.
~Uneeek!
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