I almost had a mini breakdown today at work, just thinking about you and things we used to talk about and imagine doing in the future. I can't let myself cry at work. I have a hard enough time as it is there by being a girl chef in a job field monopolized by stupid males without showing how much their shit attitude towards female equals bothers me. Crying would cause.... bad shit to go on.
Instead, I blinked back tears and chomped ice to push the sobs back down and now I'm home and slipping over the edge.
You know how rarely I let things get to me and cry, especially when others can see me. Normally I'm the unshakable one, the one who never breaks... LOL But lately... ugh. I'm an emotional wreck. Thanks a lot Kenny! Still love you though. You made me feel things again... then you went and died on me and fucked my whole world up.
I don't know why I can't get past this. What am I not letting myself see? Why can't I let you go? I wake up crying in my sleep. I cry when I'm alone. I cry most of the night - the times we talked the most. I don't know how to deal with this.
I knew you were much more sick than you let on - I'm the same way. Even with the Vampire genes (porphyria) in my blud, I know I'm not immortal no matter how much I say I am going to live forever or that drinking some of my blud could heal you. I guess I was wishing some miracle would happen for you... for us. Like a working kidney or a magic pill or a better doctor to fix you. I held onto such hope. All of my sicknesses are autoimmune and/or genetic. There probably isn't such fixes for me. I wished you were strong enough to wait it out with me. To be here for a long time.
I remember asking you a few days before if you were dying and you said NO! I'm fine, hon. I'm not leaving you lovie. A couple days later, you sent me a video telling me how much you loved me and for me to always remember that. The next night, you were gone. You knew, didn't you?
Kelly is going to be sending me part of your ashes soon - and I'm hoping for some of your belongings for purely selfish reasons I suppose - but I really want your hat and your t-shirt so I can hold you and your phone - I want to hear your voice and see your face even if it is just a video recording. And your pinup girl coffee table book because I know it was your favourite.
Maybe that will give me the closure I need.
I hope so.
I love you
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