rest with me

Dear Kennyboy <3

I miss my stay up all night and text while in painsomnia buddy... :/  Everyone I know sleeps at night... except for me! I do need to attempt some form of lying down soon though. Got a busy day at work in a few hours. I had to make myself a prep list so I wouldn't forget what I needed to do, besides a ton of baking.

My night fevers are back again. When I do manage sleep, I wake up dripping with sweat. Not the most comfortable feeling. Makes me feel gross, especially if my hair or pillow are wet :(

First song that popped up in my playlist tonight, and it's so me...

< Savage Garden / Savage Garden / To the Moon & Back >

She's taking her time making up the reasons 

To justify all the hurt inside 

Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes 

Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one 

They're saying "Mamma never loved her much" 

And,"Daddy never keeps in touch 

That's why she shies away from human affection" 

But somewhere in a private place 

She packs her bags for outer space 

And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come 

And she'll say to him 

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be my baby 

Got a ticket for a world where we belong 

So would you be my baby? 

She can't remember a time when she felt needed 

If love was red then she was color blind 

All her friends they've been tried for treason 

And crimes that were never defined 

She's saying"Love is like a barren place 

And reaching out for human faith is like a journey 

I just don't have a map for" 

So baby's gonna take a dive and 

Push the shift to overdrive 

Send a signal that she's hanging 

All her hopes on the stars 

What a pleasant dream 

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be my baby 

Got a ticket for a world where we belong

I'm ok. I still find myself staring off into space a lot and wondering What If's and Why's and Wishing. The more I think, the more I cry and miss you. At some point, I'm going to have to move on, let go and just hold onto our happy stuff. I don't know when that will be. I'm afraid to listen to my voicemails and voxer messages from you in case I accidentally delete them. I'm afraid I'll forget your voice.

Its so rare for me to get so close to people quickly, like I did with you. It usually takes me years to feel that comfortable. I still can't stand my boyfriend's friends and family giving me hugs or touching me or getting in my personal little space and I've known them all for years now. I've never been one of those touchy feely people. I cringe when I'm around certain people cuz I know they will attempt to hug me or meeting new people that want to shake my hand or something. ICK! I can get out of the hand shaking by using my arthritis pain excuse... It's harder to dodge a hug gracefully without seeming like a bitch.

I've been having very weird, random and crazybad dreams lately. I can't even put them into words without sounding insane. I can remember every detail of them, from beginning to end. I've been sleepwalking again - I know that worried you a lot. I know it's because I'm very sleep deprived and stressed out right now. One of my med's has nightmares as a side effect... like I needed any help in THAT department and I know the ambien has the amnesia issue so I don't really know what I'm doing in my sleepwalker wanders... I do know Taboo gets up with me and stays in whatever room I end up in - I usually wake up with him sleeping on my legs.

I can feel and hear the ringing in my ears, inside my skull. I wish it would stop. Even my music isn't drowning it out tonight. Tuning it out is giving me a headache at the base of my head. It's been going on a few days now.

I'm going to lie here and close my eyes for a bit. you're welcome to come join me, I'd like the company.

Love you Kennyboy <3