I miss you so much. I torture myself most nights, watching the videos you sent me and looking at pictures and rereading emails and texts. All it does it make me cry like a baby now and want to talk to you again, or crawl deep inside a hole and never come back out. I can't do this during the day or I wouldn't function at all. Only at night, when I'm awake alone and no one wants to, or is awake to talk to me, do I do this...
I know it's annoying everyone around me - especially on the bad nights when they get a million rambling texts. I apologize constantly for it but I know it doesn't really do much good.
I stopped telling the shrinky dink about you and how I feel about you being gone. He thinks I'm delusional. He told me to stop writing to you like you were still alive. He increased my visits to 3x a week and he fucked with my meds and I'm worse now than I was before. I can't think... or stop thinking. You know what I mean.
I can't stay stabilized when my brain keeps getting played with with different chemicals all the time. I promise I am taking my meds - just not the ones he put me on since my other doctors said not to - they reacted with another med I take and tripled my seizure chances and raised something else. I forget what. Serotonin maybe? to too high of levels - I was getting sick a lot. So I got taken off all of dr shrinky dinks med changes and put back on what I was on before since the doctors know how I react to them already and what dosages work for me...
I have 23 pills to take a day now to stay alive and not crazy... My desk looks like a pharmacy shelf. Sometimes I really wonder if it's worth it all. *Shrug* I hurt all the time. I rarely have a day where I feel like myself or am pain free.
My coworkers are afraid I'm going to go psycho on them :( I guess I look and sound crazy to them too. Every day they ask if I took my pills. lol I wish I were joking. The last few months have been really rough without you.
I still don't sleep. I stay awake most nights until daylight and take a hour nap before I go into work. When I do sleep, I dream about your death again. I don't want to see it anymore.
