Kennyboy <3
Not writing didn't help me... I tried. Writing was helping more than keeping everything inside my head, I guess. I can barely function now... Still not sleeping. I'm eating some - but it's somewhat useless when I throw up constantly from nausea and dizzyness. I'm tired of the you're so sick/getting too tiny/ looking comments. (well DUH? I AM SICK!). I know I'm annoying everyone around me with my rambling nonsense about whatever pops in my head all night and day.
Sometimes wish I didn't make that promise to you last winter. I really do. I'm tired, Kenny. So very tired. Tired of fighting myself. Tired of pills to stay alive. Tired of doctors and tests. Tired of hurting 24/7. Tired of being sick. Tired of nightmares every single night. Tired of crazy thoughts racing through my head. You wouldn't know if I broke that promise unless... what we believed is true. Then you'd yell at me for it. But, I don't break promises, even to people that are dead.
I was desperate Saturday night and had someone bring me some pain pills :( I was so sick Sunday day and night. I woke up feeling worse than usual - it's been a rough month at work mentally and physically for me - we're so shorthanded now and the OT is piling up on me. I don't know if the pills were too strong for me the night before, or the pain itself, or a migraine, or if it was just everything else catching up. I had a headache from hell, my back was spasming and I couldn't close my hands. I couldn't keep my eyes focused on anything, my world was tilting and spinning backwards more than usual. Glad Sundays have been boringly slow (football). I hate throwing up at work...
I didn't even make it the 8 miles home from work without telling Gwen to pull over (figures it was in Backatown -ghetto land- ugh - not where I wanted to be puking my guts out in the dark...). I tried taking a shower, but ended up just kneeling on the floor of the tub with my head on my knees until the hot water ran ice cold... then I just shut the water off and threw a towel over me until I stopped shaking.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
overwhelmed, confused.
My Kennyboy <3
I've been having a bunch of bad nights right now. Way too many confusing thoughts inside my head and feelings in my heart. I don't know what I feel anymore. Emptiness? Anger? Lost? Hurt? Sadness? Overwhelmed? Alone? Broken?
My physical pain is the same. The cooler temperatures don't really help that. A chill makes my back go into spasms more often than not. I do whatever I can to avoid going into the freezers at work. My knees and hip joints... lets just say they don't like moving much without screaming at me right now. I try not to walk much without having a heating pad or ice pack handy... and ultram.
I can deal with it. Just really haven't been feeling like doing just that. Sometimes, I just want to hurt, and to whine about it. I just need more time inside my head and my butterflies.
I miss you so much :( I still try not to think about you being gone. It makes me cry. I hate crying. Crying makes me angry then I cry more because I can't control what I'm feeling. It sucks when it happens at work. I hate people seeing me cry, especially them. It's easier to deal with if I just wall everything off. Tuck it away and lock it up. Bury it. Not think.
I am trying a different sleeping pill tonight. I need sleep. I would love dreamless sleep. I'll write later. The 't' key is driving me crazy. I have a new keyboard on the way. And it's too hard for me to type on my phone. Sometimes my fingers are so cold the phone doesn't seem to register I'm touching the screen or something.
I love you Kenny. I miss calling you.
I've been having a bunch of bad nights right now. Way too many confusing thoughts inside my head and feelings in my heart. I don't know what I feel anymore. Emptiness? Anger? Lost? Hurt? Sadness? Overwhelmed? Alone? Broken?
My physical pain is the same. The cooler temperatures don't really help that. A chill makes my back go into spasms more often than not. I do whatever I can to avoid going into the freezers at work. My knees and hip joints... lets just say they don't like moving much without screaming at me right now. I try not to walk much without having a heating pad or ice pack handy... and ultram.
I can deal with it. Just really haven't been feeling like doing just that. Sometimes, I just want to hurt, and to whine about it. I just need more time inside my head and my butterflies.
< Black Label Society / Hangover Music V. VI / Layne >
This fear that clouds my mind
This fear that just won't die
Blacked out this world
Nothing's pure, nothing's real
Oh, I'm just bidding my time
'Til I wave goodbye
If I could, you know I'd die
The final rest, just one big lie
This trip that's broke my back
My death is war, it's where I'm at
Oh, I'm just bidding my time
'Til I wave goodbye
Oh, goodbye
Oh, oh, oh yeah
'Til I wave goodbye
This fear that just won't die
Blacked out this world
Nothing's pure, nothing's real
Oh, I'm just bidding my time
'Til I wave goodbye
If I could, you know I'd die
The final rest, just one big lie
This trip that's broke my back
My death is war, it's where I'm at
Oh, I'm just bidding my time
'Til I wave goodbye
Oh, goodbye
Oh, oh, oh yeah
'Til I wave goodbye
I miss you so much :( I still try not to think about you being gone. It makes me cry. I hate crying. Crying makes me angry then I cry more because I can't control what I'm feeling. It sucks when it happens at work. I hate people seeing me cry, especially them. It's easier to deal with if I just wall everything off. Tuck it away and lock it up. Bury it. Not think.
I am trying a different sleeping pill tonight. I need sleep. I would love dreamless sleep. I'll write later. The 't' key is driving me crazy. I have a new keyboard on the way. And it's too hard for me to type on my phone. Sometimes my fingers are so cold the phone doesn't seem to register I'm touching the screen or something.
I love you Kenny. I miss calling you.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Kenny boy ... how I miss you :( I miss having you to send texts to about work. I miss having your input on things and advice with problems. I miss your snortlaugh lol
There's so much stupid going on at work right now. Drama and more drama.
Exec chef and his ex gf got fired this week. Both offices got emptied the other day...
Now exec chef is stalking and harassing those he thinks got him fired. Following them in his truck from the parking lot, sending drunk threatening texts etc. Everyone that's worked with him is feeling kinda on edge. Myself included. He knows exactly where I live and what I drive.
And ppl wonder why I am so cautious of telling ppl where I live and giving out my phone number... thanks Gwen for telling and showing everyone!!!
I've gone thru this before.
I'm stuck on saute forever now I think. I hate it so fucking much but I need the money so badly :( I only got my raise because I can work everywhere except the grill. I prefer my behind the scenes spot... saute is a show off spot in the open kitchen area by the guests. I don't care that I'm the only girl ever to work it. I loathe when guests come up to watch or talk to me. I like my.dungeon!
I'm getting sicker. My kidney function dropped 8 more points this last few months. I'm hovering around 64-65%. 5 points more til my Dr freaks out or something about it. Magic number is 60%....
My antibody levels keep going up which means more inflammation and my autoimmune system is attacking itself again. I have constant sore throats and joint swelling now. I know you already know what that means. It scared you before...
Love you kennyboy.
There's so much stupid going on at work right now. Drama and more drama.
Exec chef and his ex gf got fired this week. Both offices got emptied the other day...
Now exec chef is stalking and harassing those he thinks got him fired. Following them in his truck from the parking lot, sending drunk threatening texts etc. Everyone that's worked with him is feeling kinda on edge. Myself included. He knows exactly where I live and what I drive.
And ppl wonder why I am so cautious of telling ppl where I live and giving out my phone number... thanks Gwen for telling and showing everyone!!!
I've gone thru this before.
I'm stuck on saute forever now I think. I hate it so fucking much but I need the money so badly :( I only got my raise because I can work everywhere except the grill. I prefer my behind the scenes spot... saute is a show off spot in the open kitchen area by the guests. I don't care that I'm the only girl ever to work it. I loathe when guests come up to watch or talk to me. I like my.dungeon!
I'm getting sicker. My kidney function dropped 8 more points this last few months. I'm hovering around 64-65%. 5 points more til my Dr freaks out or something about it. Magic number is 60%....
My antibody levels keep going up which means more inflammation and my autoimmune system is attacking itself again. I have constant sore throats and joint swelling now. I know you already know what that means. It scared you before...
Love you kennyboy.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
4 am...
Kennyboy <3
I feel like I'm the only person awake at 4 am these days :/ I know I'm not. My taxi driving neighbour is awake and my cop neighbour is outside with his dog, tinkering quietly with his bike. Even Taboo went to sleep in the bed without me tonight, which is unusual.
My brain has been all jumbled up lately. Nothing has been making sense inside it and thoughts keep swirling around all over and bumping into each other and making a huge ass mess. The chains on the doors keep unlocking and flying open and my neatly kept files are getting blown around and all mixed up. All the moving around in there keeps me awake and makes me exhausted at the same time. I don't expect anyone to really understand what's going on inside my head. I just wish it would stop for a little while so I can sleep and rest. The chains and doors worked for years. I don't know why they aren't working now. They aren't rusty... maybe someone is sneaking in an unlocking them.
One of my night pills is making me feel really dizzy tonight. It's like my eyes are spinning around and can't focus on any one thing for very long. I'm afraid if I move too much, I'll throw up. Not sure how I'll make it to the bedroom. I might just sleep in here on the floor. Wouldn't be the first time I've crashed on my living room floor...
I've been trying not to think about how much I miss you every single day. It makes me cry. I start thinking too much about things that might have been and never will be. Then I cry more. Then I need a pill to calm back down and I can't get any more refills of them either right now. I know the pills are a quick fix and a dumb way to cope what's going on in my head and that eventually I will have to deal with things properly... I don't think I'm ready yet.
I haven't been writing as much. I'm sorry :( I just haven't had words in me. The words that are inside, just hurt to much to let out right now. Your friends have to be tired of me by now :(
I've been watching a lot of horror gory torture bloody disturbing evil movies. Tis the season for them ;) I can manage to not think most of the time I am staring at the screen. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong in my head that I can watch these kinds of movies and not even blink about the scenes in them. It's not that I know they are just a movie... SOMEONE had to think this shit up. What makes their mind go there - what do they see in their heads when they go to sleep at night? Why does seeing this stuff not bother me? Seriously - Audition and Irreversible should be nearly unwatchable for some people...
Speaking of the season... I wish I had someone that enjoyed the creepy haunted houses and tours in the city. Nothing better than creeping around in old cemeteries in the dark in New Orleans with old spirits and voodoo magic at Halloween times. I would love to take my camera out there to see what it might see...
I'm stuck on saute all fucking week again. Shoot me now. I'm still expected to prep the pastry stuff/desserts so I 'think' our sous chef is going to prep the saute station for me *crosses fingers*. I've gotten really good at making our butter sauces. Didn't have one break on me all week last week (go me!)... but I really don't want to get stuck on saute forever... My heart is in desserts and breads/baking etc... not fish LOL
I'm trying to think of a simple dessert special the buffet flunkie can't screw up. I had a few requests for my dark rum soaked sugar cakes... maybe I'll do them. The longer they sit, the more potent they get ;) I should set one aside for me to eat at the end of the week :D
We have several thousand out of state people here for cruising the coast. We're hosting the burn out events in our parking lot and since bbbg has the windows overlooking it, we'll get a few more people than usual. I would love to have the week off to check out all the cars *drool* but that will never happen. You know I'm a muscle car junkie! I wish I still had my old '84 Grand Prix. It's a classic now LOL but I know the ex sold it for way too cheap when I left him. He never did have money or investment sense...
Yay, time for the night sweats and burning up body on fire feeling. I wish I knew which pills did this. I'd take them earlier in the night or see if I could get them changed. I have sweat running down my face and I'm just sitting here :( My house is cold: 68ยบ...
I should attempt lying down and resting. It's going to be another hellishly long week at work. Gwendolyn insists we need to get there an hour earlier every day...
I love you. Come sleep with me. I miss you.
I feel like I'm the only person awake at 4 am these days :/ I know I'm not. My taxi driving neighbour is awake and my cop neighbour is outside with his dog, tinkering quietly with his bike. Even Taboo went to sleep in the bed without me tonight, which is unusual.
< Digital Underground / Sex Packets / Underwater Rimes (remix) >
My brain has been all jumbled up lately. Nothing has been making sense inside it and thoughts keep swirling around all over and bumping into each other and making a huge ass mess. The chains on the doors keep unlocking and flying open and my neatly kept files are getting blown around and all mixed up. All the moving around in there keeps me awake and makes me exhausted at the same time. I don't expect anyone to really understand what's going on inside my head. I just wish it would stop for a little while so I can sleep and rest. The chains and doors worked for years. I don't know why they aren't working now. They aren't rusty... maybe someone is sneaking in an unlocking them.
< Faith No More / The Real Thing / Epic >
One of my night pills is making me feel really dizzy tonight. It's like my eyes are spinning around and can't focus on any one thing for very long. I'm afraid if I move too much, I'll throw up. Not sure how I'll make it to the bedroom. I might just sleep in here on the floor. Wouldn't be the first time I've crashed on my living room floor...
I've been trying not to think about how much I miss you every single day. It makes me cry. I start thinking too much about things that might have been and never will be. Then I cry more. Then I need a pill to calm back down and I can't get any more refills of them either right now. I know the pills are a quick fix and a dumb way to cope what's going on in my head and that eventually I will have to deal with things properly... I don't think I'm ready yet.
I haven't been writing as much. I'm sorry :( I just haven't had words in me. The words that are inside, just hurt to much to let out right now. Your friends have to be tired of me by now :(
< St. Lunatics / Snippets from... Free City / S.T.L. >
I've been watching a lot of horror gory torture bloody disturbing evil movies. Tis the season for them ;) I can manage to not think most of the time I am staring at the screen. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong in my head that I can watch these kinds of movies and not even blink about the scenes in them. It's not that I know they are just a movie... SOMEONE had to think this shit up. What makes their mind go there - what do they see in their heads when they go to sleep at night? Why does seeing this stuff not bother me? Seriously - Audition and Irreversible should be nearly unwatchable for some people...
Speaking of the season... I wish I had someone that enjoyed the creepy haunted houses and tours in the city. Nothing better than creeping around in old cemeteries in the dark in New Orleans with old spirits and voodoo magic at Halloween times. I would love to take my camera out there to see what it might see...
< Kitaro / An Enchanted Evening / Silk Road >
I'm stuck on saute all fucking week again. Shoot me now. I'm still expected to prep the pastry stuff/desserts so I 'think' our sous chef is going to prep the saute station for me *crosses fingers*. I've gotten really good at making our butter sauces. Didn't have one break on me all week last week (go me!)... but I really don't want to get stuck on saute forever... My heart is in desserts and breads/baking etc... not fish LOL
I'm trying to think of a simple dessert special the buffet flunkie can't screw up. I had a few requests for my dark rum soaked sugar cakes... maybe I'll do them. The longer they sit, the more potent they get ;) I should set one aside for me to eat at the end of the week :D
We have several thousand out of state people here for cruising the coast. We're hosting the burn out events in our parking lot and since bbbg has the windows overlooking it, we'll get a few more people than usual. I would love to have the week off to check out all the cars *drool* but that will never happen. You know I'm a muscle car junkie! I wish I still had my old '84 Grand Prix. It's a classic now LOL but I know the ex sold it for way too cheap when I left him. He never did have money or investment sense...
< Body Count / Born Dead / Drive By >
Yay, time for the night sweats and burning up body on fire feeling. I wish I knew which pills did this. I'd take them earlier in the night or see if I could get them changed. I have sweat running down my face and I'm just sitting here :( My house is cold: 68ยบ...
I should attempt lying down and resting. It's going to be another hellishly long week at work. Gwendolyn insists we need to get there an hour earlier every day...
I love you. Come sleep with me. I miss you.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
vip rhcp
Kennyboy <3
I had the dreaded very important pig party at work this morning... The suits upstairs decided on the strangest menu items... I don't know how any of it is classified as hors d'oeuvres or finger food... corn beef n sauerkraut? beer brats with peppers? braised cabbage? Everyone in the dining room is going to be farting and crop dusting each other... I know it's Oktober but...
The 't' key on my keyboard has a mind of it's own. It works when it wants to, which isn't very often without a bunch of fierce button mashing. I think this keyboard is 10 years old now. Guess a new one is in my future soon :( It was an awesome 10$ keyboard!
I'm back to not sleeping much, if at all, again. Just too many memories and fucked up dreams lately. Sometimes I'm just not very tired, or my brain won't shut off, or I hurt too fucking much. Not sure if I need my meds adjusted AGAIN or what. I'm so tired and exhausted (and irritable with idiots...) during the day, but come dark... I'm awake! But, no one else awake... Just me. I'm always the complete opposite of every other person around. I'll crash at some point I know. It's just never at a good time when that happens.
I'm stuck on saute for another week... :( I'll manage... It hurts my joints to keep using those damn heavy cast iron skillets... Everyone better buy stock in ibuprofen and naproxen! and tramadol and icy hot. I do get some nice arms and shoulders from slinging skillets for hours and hours a day ;) Wanna arm wrestle?!
The RHCP concert at the arena in New Orleans was the best ever. Those old dudes can still jump around insanely ;) I wish you could have gone with me.
I love you <3 My brain is getting all mushy from the tramadol and muscle relaxer. Hoping my legs stop hurting soon.
I saw a butterfly today on my way to work.
I had the dreaded very important pig party at work this morning... The suits upstairs decided on the strangest menu items... I don't know how any of it is classified as hors d'oeuvres or finger food... corn beef n sauerkraut? beer brats with peppers? braised cabbage? Everyone in the dining room is going to be farting and crop dusting each other... I know it's Oktober but...
The 't' key on my keyboard has a mind of it's own. It works when it wants to, which isn't very often without a bunch of fierce button mashing. I think this keyboard is 10 years old now. Guess a new one is in my future soon :( It was an awesome 10$ keyboard!
I'm back to not sleeping much, if at all, again. Just too many memories and fucked up dreams lately. Sometimes I'm just not very tired, or my brain won't shut off, or I hurt too fucking much. Not sure if I need my meds adjusted AGAIN or what. I'm so tired and exhausted (and irritable with idiots...) during the day, but come dark... I'm awake! But, no one else awake... Just me. I'm always the complete opposite of every other person around. I'll crash at some point I know. It's just never at a good time when that happens.
I'm stuck on saute for another week... :( I'll manage... It hurts my joints to keep using those damn heavy cast iron skillets... Everyone better buy stock in ibuprofen and naproxen! and tramadol and icy hot. I do get some nice arms and shoulders from slinging skillets for hours and hours a day ;) Wanna arm wrestle?!
The RHCP concert at the arena in New Orleans was the best ever. Those old dudes can still jump around insanely ;) I wish you could have gone with me.
I love you <3 My brain is getting all mushy from the tramadol and muscle relaxer. Hoping my legs stop hurting soon.
I saw a butterfly today on my way to work.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
itchy, dream death
Kennylovie <3
LONG boring night at work... I'm stuck on saute/fish again :( *cries* I hate it. The sous chef for the cafe restaurant is on suspension, so our chef d' cuisine fine dining chef went to work that restaurant and our other sous chef is working his spot, so I'm taking the sous chef's spot... The head chef over all of them is on vacation (again - plus he used to date the suspended chef but they just broke up and are fighting - coincidence on her suspension??) It's all so full of d r a m a again. I HATE DRAMA!!!!. I feel like I'm back in high school. They are so exhausting to be around. One day I'm going to either scream at them or bite my tongue clean off :)
I don't remember most of what I wrote last night - especially the last 2 paragraphs LOL I read what I wrote this morning and thankfully it wasn't anything terribly embarrassing. All my pills kicked in at one time from the looks of it. Or maybe just the ambien. Dunno. I didn't sleep well anyhow. I woke up every hour or so, hot and twitchy and itchy. Still makes me think of the junkie days... I miss them, and I don't... What a mess I was then. Well, I still am, but worse then. Way worse. I don't think you'd like that me. I didn't like that me. I was always angry when I wasn't on something or another. So angry, so hateful. Pretty much pushed everyone away. Those that wouldn't go away, I left behind...
I'm having a kinda not good night. I miss you. I miss having you to talk with. I miss other stuff, too. But, never had you to do it with - other than in my head. I'd imagine what it would be like to hold hands while watching tv or lying on the grass and staring up at clouds. bf doesn't like doing any of that stuff. He barely kisses me on the forehead. If I think too much about things like that right now, I'll start crying. and I know I wouldn't stop tonight.
Know how sometimes you can tell before even swallowing the pill, you know it's just not going to work? That's how tonight is. I knew before taking them they weren't gonna do their job. It's a dangerous spot for me to be in. You know if I get desperate enough what'll happen ;/ I'm trying not to, Kenny.
I think I'm going to a break from here... Imseeing things that can't exist, stupid ambien - like dreaming? of me dying again- even though im techincaly still awake right now. Only took 2 hours for ambien to kick in. If i were dead id not b e writing i don't think. maybe i'm just crazy.
Love you <3
da sad one
LONG boring night at work... I'm stuck on saute/fish again :( *cries* I hate it. The sous chef for the cafe restaurant is on suspension, so our chef d' cuisine fine dining chef went to work that restaurant and our other sous chef is working his spot, so I'm taking the sous chef's spot... The head chef over all of them is on vacation (again - plus he used to date the suspended chef but they just broke up and are fighting - coincidence on her suspension??) It's all so full of d r a m a again. I HATE DRAMA!!!!. I feel like I'm back in high school. They are so exhausting to be around. One day I'm going to either scream at them or bite my tongue clean off :)
< Marilyn Manson / The Golden Age of Grotesque / Para-Noir >
I don't remember most of what I wrote last night - especially the last 2 paragraphs LOL I read what I wrote this morning and thankfully it wasn't anything terribly embarrassing. All my pills kicked in at one time from the looks of it. Or maybe just the ambien. Dunno. I didn't sleep well anyhow. I woke up every hour or so, hot and twitchy and itchy. Still makes me think of the junkie days... I miss them, and I don't... What a mess I was then. Well, I still am, but worse then. Way worse. I don't think you'd like that me. I didn't like that me. I was always angry when I wasn't on something or another. So angry, so hateful. Pretty much pushed everyone away. Those that wouldn't go away, I left behind...
< Nine Inch Nails / The Downward Spiral / Liar (reptile demo) >
I'm having a kinda not good night. I miss you. I miss having you to talk with. I miss other stuff, too. But, never had you to do it with - other than in my head. I'd imagine what it would be like to hold hands while watching tv or lying on the grass and staring up at clouds. bf doesn't like doing any of that stuff. He barely kisses me on the forehead. If I think too much about things like that right now, I'll start crying. and I know I wouldn't stop tonight.
Know how sometimes you can tell before even swallowing the pill, you know it's just not going to work? That's how tonight is. I knew before taking them they weren't gonna do their job. It's a dangerous spot for me to be in. You know if I get desperate enough what'll happen ;/ I'm trying not to, Kenny.
< Nine Inch Nails / The Slip / Lights in the Sky >
I think I'm going to a break from here... Imseeing things that can't exist, stupid ambien - like dreaming? of me dying again- even though im techincaly still awake right now. Only took 2 hours for ambien to kick in. If i were dead id not b e writing i don't think. maybe i'm just crazy.
Love you <3
da sad one
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
ramblings
Dear Kennyboy <3
I'm so exhausted but when I lie down, I don't sleep. I stare at the wall or toss and turn endlessly. My muscles start twitching, knotting, cramping and trembling... It's so annoying. I start getting hot and sweaty, and itchy, and my heart starts going all crazy and my mind starts racing, then I get aggravated and get back up.
My pills aren't helping anymore. I took another sleeping pill in hopes it'll at least make me calm enough to just lie there. I'm allowed 2 pills... I only have a few left of the ambien then I have to switch back to the klonopins :(
I still feel like creepy crawlies are in my skin. Nothing works for the itching... I cut all my long gorgeous nails off - I was scratching myself bloody... How did you deal with this? Benadryl does nothing for me. I feel like I'm coming down off a junkie weekend LOL My skin isn't dry - far from it...
I still have peeeeeeeee issues, or actually, the lack of peeeeeeeeee issues. My lower back still hurts. Doctor told me to do yoga and that I have an inflamed sacro-illiac joint... wtf? He didn't even look at my back or do any tests. *sigh* I saw the look in his eye - hypochondriac. Time to fire this doctor and get a new one again.
Let's see, how many other complaints can I cram in here? LOL How bout my lips are peeling like crazy and get all bloody! It's not even winter yet... and my eyes hurt ;)
I hear the train going by - it's late. Both in time of night - 3 am, and the train itself is behind schedule by about 45 minutes tonight.
I feel like crap already this week. My RHCP concert tickets got reissued - for Thursday... Hope I'm well enough to go... The concert was supposed to be in Feb remember? Then Anthony Kiedis broke his foot so it go delayed. Til 2 days from now. GAH! You know I'll go even if I feel like shit - I've waited forever for this! This is one good thing about living in NoLA! Lots of concerts and bands come here. Too bad I have to pick and choose which to go to because of work... :( I can't spend the night in the city this time either - gotta go home after the show, which is a good thing I guess - less opportunity to drink...(I'm trying Kenny... It's so hard :( ) I'm gonna be so drained friday when I get to work LOL
I feel pill #2 trying to work it's magic. typing is in sllloooooow motion.
Love you Kennnnnylovieboy
Come sleep with me tonight. Ill show you my latest butterfly addition... addiction.
love flutterby kisses
I'm so exhausted but when I lie down, I don't sleep. I stare at the wall or toss and turn endlessly. My muscles start twitching, knotting, cramping and trembling... It's so annoying. I start getting hot and sweaty, and itchy, and my heart starts going all crazy and my mind starts racing, then I get aggravated and get back up.
My pills aren't helping anymore. I took another sleeping pill in hopes it'll at least make me calm enough to just lie there. I'm allowed 2 pills... I only have a few left of the ambien then I have to switch back to the klonopins :(
I still feel like creepy crawlies are in my skin. Nothing works for the itching... I cut all my long gorgeous nails off - I was scratching myself bloody... How did you deal with this? Benadryl does nothing for me. I feel like I'm coming down off a junkie weekend LOL My skin isn't dry - far from it...
I still have peeeeeeeee issues, or actually, the lack of peeeeeeeeee issues. My lower back still hurts. Doctor told me to do yoga and that I have an inflamed sacro-illiac joint... wtf? He didn't even look at my back or do any tests. *sigh* I saw the look in his eye - hypochondriac. Time to fire this doctor and get a new one again.
Let's see, how many other complaints can I cram in here? LOL How bout my lips are peeling like crazy and get all bloody! It's not even winter yet... and my eyes hurt ;)
I hear the train going by - it's late. Both in time of night - 3 am, and the train itself is behind schedule by about 45 minutes tonight.
I feel like crap already this week. My RHCP concert tickets got reissued - for Thursday... Hope I'm well enough to go... The concert was supposed to be in Feb remember? Then Anthony Kiedis broke his foot so it go delayed. Til 2 days from now. GAH! You know I'll go even if I feel like shit - I've waited forever for this! This is one good thing about living in NoLA! Lots of concerts and bands come here. Too bad I have to pick and choose which to go to because of work... :( I can't spend the night in the city this time either - gotta go home after the show, which is a good thing I guess - less opportunity to drink...(I'm trying Kenny... It's so hard :( ) I'm gonna be so drained friday when I get to work LOL
I feel pill #2 trying to work it's magic. typing is in sllloooooow motion.
Love you Kennnnnylovieboy
Come sleep with me tonight. Ill show you my latest butterfly addition... addiction.
love flutterby kisses
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
maybes...
Dear Kennyboy <3
I can barely move tonight - the pain in my bones is pretty bad. I slept off and on most of the day and have now taken my 3rd pain pill along with my usual advil and aleve :( You know I have to be desperate to take my painkillers because I hate how they make me feel even more nauseated and dizzy than I already normally feel. Nothing really works for the bone pain, I don't know why I even try to numb it. I borrowed your stars today to help deal with it. My butterflies were overwhelmed and couldn't get off the ground.
There's a buzzing in my head and it's driving me crazy because it's become more frequent in occurrence. My butterflies have never worked on that and the doctors haven't got a clue what it is or what's causing it or how to make it stop. It's like my brain is vibrating like a tuning fork... I used to just think it was something in the background - at work or wherever I was but no one else could hear it and just looked at me strangely when I would mention it. I hear/feel it everywhere I go now...
I really missed you today. It's been a month I think now since I last heard your voice live or had a text or email from you. I broke today and read the last 200 texts we had before you died... I cried. I wondered if you would have gone to the er if I had called you and asked you to go when you felt the infection spreading... Just more what if's and wonderings. I know I shouldn't question your death, and should just accept things and move on since I can't change any of what has happened... but you know how my stupid mind works - or doesn't work LOL.
I know I can't fix your being gone. I so would if I could. I'd move us back many years - oh 10 years or so, so we could have had a looooonger time together. Maybe those things wouldn't have happened to either of us to make us both hate parts of ourselves so much that we tried to erase ourselves from this life... maybe we both wouldn't have ended up with such broken scarred bodies and minds and ended relationships with those we loved. Maybe you'd still be here now, if I had been there then? I know we talked about that a few nights - if I would have appeared in your life years ago... how certain things would have been different. But - maybe it just would have prolonged the inevitable. That some things are just meant to happen no matter what and nothing will change them from occurring, they just get rewritten to a new time period. (Like in Final Destination?, just not with death only)
I need to lie down again. I'm dizzy and don't want to fall on the ceramic tile and crack my skull open (though maybe the buzzing in there would finally STOP).
I love you Kenny <3
~da uneeek one
I can barely move tonight - the pain in my bones is pretty bad. I slept off and on most of the day and have now taken my 3rd pain pill along with my usual advil and aleve :( You know I have to be desperate to take my painkillers because I hate how they make me feel even more nauseated and dizzy than I already normally feel. Nothing really works for the bone pain, I don't know why I even try to numb it. I borrowed your stars today to help deal with it. My butterflies were overwhelmed and couldn't get off the ground.
I really missed you today. It's been a month I think now since I last heard your voice live or had a text or email from you. I broke today and read the last 200 texts we had before you died... I cried. I wondered if you would have gone to the er if I had called you and asked you to go when you felt the infection spreading... Just more what if's and wonderings. I know I shouldn't question your death, and should just accept things and move on since I can't change any of what has happened... but you know how my stupid mind works - or doesn't work LOL.
I know I can't fix your being gone. I so would if I could. I'd move us back many years - oh 10 years or so, so we could have had a looooonger time together. Maybe those things wouldn't have happened to either of us to make us both hate parts of ourselves so much that we tried to erase ourselves from this life... maybe we both wouldn't have ended up with such broken scarred bodies and minds and ended relationships with those we loved. Maybe you'd still be here now, if I had been there then? I know we talked about that a few nights - if I would have appeared in your life years ago... how certain things would have been different. But - maybe it just would have prolonged the inevitable. That some things are just meant to happen no matter what and nothing will change them from occurring, they just get rewritten to a new time period. (Like in Final Destination?, just not with death only)
I need to lie down again. I'm dizzy and don't want to fall on the ceramic tile and crack my skull open (though maybe the buzzing in there would finally STOP).
I love you Kenny <3
~da uneeek one
Monday, October 1, 2012
crunchy
Dear Kennyboy <3
My body feels crunchy and crackly. I can hear my joints and muscles and their connectors sounding like rice crispies anytime I move or stretch LOL There's a knot in the muscle behind my left shoulder blade - the skelaxin isn't doing much for it today. I'll have to see if I can get a stronger muscle relaxer prescribed. The skelaxin is fine for while I am at work since it doesn't give me any weird side effects, but it's really not strong enough for true relief of the knots in my back and legs. For now I have one of Taboo's tennis balls wedged between me and the chair. That'll last until he sees I have it ;)
Fall is here for today - it's cool outside... The air isn't crisp though, so it'll get hot again soon. The nights have been perfect in the 60's - Taboo smells like cold air when he comes inside and acts all crazy from the coolness. Fireplaces down here on the Gulf Coast are more for decoration than true use, but by Christmas, or on a particularly cold day or night, there will be a little smokiness added to the air. It'll make me think of you. You always told me that Olympia smelled like rain, wet dirt, wood smoke, cold air and trees. I wish I could have spent every season there with you. I do hate being cold - my bluds are tropical! - but I'd adapt for you. Afterall, I grew up in Michigan! I played in snow taller than my dad - and he's a giant at 6'5"! I remember the city bringing in dump trucks to haul all the snow away in town one year and dump it on the lake because there was so much of it. Walking through the sidewalks was a maze of tunnels from the drifts being so tall.
I found a recipe for almond praline Madeleine tea cakes that I can't wait to make. I found a sea shell pan in my baking stuff that is a perfect mold for them. They always make me think of silver tiered trays filled with little pastries, scones and cakes set out at fancy teas in my Victorian and historical novels lol Yes, my guilty pleasure is historical romances - by Victoria Holt/Phillipa Carr. I can see the castles and landscapes in my head.
I'm going to back back to sleep for a bit. I love you :)
My body feels crunchy and crackly. I can hear my joints and muscles and their connectors sounding like rice crispies anytime I move or stretch LOL There's a knot in the muscle behind my left shoulder blade - the skelaxin isn't doing much for it today. I'll have to see if I can get a stronger muscle relaxer prescribed. The skelaxin is fine for while I am at work since it doesn't give me any weird side effects, but it's really not strong enough for true relief of the knots in my back and legs. For now I have one of Taboo's tennis balls wedged between me and the chair. That'll last until he sees I have it ;)
Fall is here for today - it's cool outside... The air isn't crisp though, so it'll get hot again soon. The nights have been perfect in the 60's - Taboo smells like cold air when he comes inside and acts all crazy from the coolness. Fireplaces down here on the Gulf Coast are more for decoration than true use, but by Christmas, or on a particularly cold day or night, there will be a little smokiness added to the air. It'll make me think of you. You always told me that Olympia smelled like rain, wet dirt, wood smoke, cold air and trees. I wish I could have spent every season there with you. I do hate being cold - my bluds are tropical! - but I'd adapt for you. Afterall, I grew up in Michigan! I played in snow taller than my dad - and he's a giant at 6'5"! I remember the city bringing in dump trucks to haul all the snow away in town one year and dump it on the lake because there was so much of it. Walking through the sidewalks was a maze of tunnels from the drifts being so tall.
I found a recipe for almond praline Madeleine tea cakes that I can't wait to make. I found a sea shell pan in my baking stuff that is a perfect mold for them. They always make me think of silver tiered trays filled with little pastries, scones and cakes set out at fancy teas in my Victorian and historical novels lol Yes, my guilty pleasure is historical romances - by Victoria Holt/Phillipa Carr. I can see the castles and landscapes in my head.
I'm going to back back to sleep for a bit. I love you :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)