growth, new life, letting go

Look Kenny - See how much the Philodendron Monstera has grown? Look how large the leaves have gotten - a few are half the height of me (no short jokes from the peanut gallery Kenny)! With all the rain from Isaac, it's already started new leaves in the center - they are the lighter green ones in there with the brown casing falling off. It's taller than the 8' fence behind it and is growing up against the carport top thingy. When I can't get into the yard around it, I trim the leaves and sell them to the florist for her tropical arrangements.

When it "blooms" it looks like a banana... During the day, the center comes out and puffs up to release the pollen, then at night, it closes back up again.  Though - knowing you - you are totally going to see something perverted in this. I know I do. LOL

It has the most interesting bark - can you see it in there? - it reminds me of a pineapple LOL

My yard looks like Jurassic Park when all the plants are in full tropical bloom. My landlord planted some banana trees along the fence near the sago palm and the pecan tree.

<Pantera / Cowboys From Hell / Cemetary Gates>

...Sometimes when I'm alone
I wonder aloud
If you're watching over me
Some place far abound

I must reverse my life
I can't live in the past
Then set my soul free
Belong to me at last...

I woke up today without tears. I still feel sad, but I'm ok. Really, I am. I miss you and love you and wanted more time with you. I always will - but you are in a much better place now - happy and pain free and full of beautiful life, and you better be jumping in mud puddles and making cloud picture stories like we planned on doing. When I join you, we can have that picnic by the water we always wanted with our cute homemade little sushi bento boxes and go wander the beach, hand in hand, looking for cool shells and frosted sea glass and little creatures in the tide pools. You can pick me some wild daisies and I'd be silly and put them in my hair to make you smile.

I don't think I mentioned this yet, but in the spring, I'm going to donate some fruit trees in your name to the boys and girls club memorial gardens. The kids learn how to take care of the trees and harvest the fruit and donate it to the soup kitchen and the homeless and the needy. I think you would like that. I know I would like it done for me when I die. The shelters helped me when I really needed it way back when...

I promised I wouldn't quit on you, me or us. I meant that. I've never broken a promise. I plan to live in the now again and show you I'm strong and still that crazy, uneeek, fearless chick you meet online. Not afraid to take chances and believe in things you've shown me. To live for me, as me. To hope. To love. To GIVE. To make my own way again.

It's going to be a bumpy road and a helluva ride - Are you up to tagging along? Taboo says you can if you promise to throw his frisbee and ball all the time and keep me safe. He's sitting here beside me with his paw and his chin in my lap and looking at the monitor and keyboard...

<P!NK / Funhouse / Glitter in the Air>

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

And it's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
Breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La la la la la la la la

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself 
Will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight

This song reminds me of you. and how I felt talking to you, dreaming with you, hoping, loving, laughing. It just popped up in my playlist again - it's one of my favourites.

I have almost enough of my idea sketched out for the tattooist. Now, my mission is to find one that can do our butterflies, glitter and stars justice. I have a paycheck budgeted out for it.

Helen brought food for me. She knows I haven't been eating at all this week. She understands - it's only been a few months since Happy died. But she's a nurse... she brought some yogurts and plums and bananas and some fresh cauliflower and baby carrots and some juices and protein shakes. I'm trying to eat - I promise. I just can't get anything to stay down... or in. Everything is tasteless and goes down like lead, if it goes down at all. My appetite is gone. I don't crave anything, nothing sounds yummy. I can't even look at the foodpr0n without feeling pukey and sick.

I need to take a break... clean up my yard and walk Taboo... I really just want to curl back up in bed...

I love you Kenny.

stars, love, missing you, strength

My Kenny love :)

I hope you're enjoying the stars! You know I look at them every night <3 Your star crystal should arrive soon for me to wear for you. I was hoping to send it to you with one of my paintings for your wall, but... *tears fall*

<Jane Siberry/ The CROW Soundtrack/ It Can't Rain All The Time>

I'm doing ok. Not great, but I'll survive. I'll get there. I've stopped crying all the time, but every once in a while, silent tears fall and a sob slips out. I still can't really eat... I've lost 8# now :( I'm sorry. I'm trying to eat. You know how hard it is to eat when the body won't accept food. But, at least my mean doctor will be happy when I go next week... you know how he is.

I'm stronger than I look - li'l Miss Tough Girl in the pint sized body and the combat boots will be back soon for you. *Pinky Promises*.

<Nine Inch Nails/ With Teeth/ Beside You In Time>

Your family and friends have been putting up with my rambling texts and tears and flooding your facebook page and helping me to understand and cope. I wasn't expecting that. They love you very much. 

Thank you - all of you, you know who you are. Y'all don't know how much it means to me.

I love you very much, Kenny and always will. 

You, yes - YOU! - convinced me to give happiness and love another chance. To believe in fairy tales again - the happily ever after ones - and not my favourite Grimm's Brothers you all will die a horrible death by an evil troll witch monster ones hahaha You know the reasons why my heart was cold and hardened and dark. Why I gave up believing. You were there for me at 4 am when I had a bad memory or dream and talked me through it until I could sleep again. You understood my dark thoughts and moods. You "got it". You knew where I was coming from and where I was going to go, and stopped me from jumping down the rabbit hole more times than I let on.

<Rob Zombie/ Hellbilly Deluxe/ Living Dead Girl>

I miss our talks and endless texts and videos and pictures of our days. And I miss you singing to me. It was pretty horrible at times, but it made me laugh, and that made you laugh. You didn't take offense at me calling you my lovie, my heart or my silly boy. I loved how you said my name, even when you called me the dreaded Annie, but from you, it was ok. You understood my crazy made up words when I couldn't remember the words I needed to say due to one or another of my health problems messing my head up.

And -You made me vain - I swear. I never took so many pictures of myself for anyone, especially when I was sick, and especially for a boy. I'd say: "I'm ugly/fat/stretchmarked/scarred, etc", you'd say "Prove it! Show me! Take a picture right now" and then you'd say: "You are not ugly. You are STUNNING! You are Beautiful. You made my heart melt".  

You made me feel beautiful and gorgeous, even when I was sick and bedridden from all my illnesses ganging up on me at once, and throwing up on myself and cramping and numb and the electric shocks in my spine and unable to move and barely able to talk. 

<U2/ The Eye of the Fly/ Love is Blindness>

You always started my day with a text telling me how beautiful I was.

"Good morning, my uneeek one. Did you sleep well?" *kisses**ew morning breath**kisses again* 

"You are beautiful and I love you" 

Remember this day? I ended up in the hospital right after this.

<Cheap Trick/ Greatest Hits/ The Flame>

I miss you helping me with advice and related stories from your past. I miss your voice in my ears. I miss your smiles. I miss you just listening to me when I was having a breakdown. I miss your tears - you didn't fool me old man, I could hear them in your voice when I would call out of the blue for no reason other than to say HI KENNY! I miss us showing our scars to each other and telling the stories that went with them. It was amazing how similar our lives were and having nearly identical experiences in them. You didn't judge me and I didn't judge you. We shared too much of the same life in different times. I miss our playlist and music video of the day sharing, as music was such a big part of our days. I loved when we'd introduce each other to a new band that we'd never heard of. I gave you VAST and London After Midnight. You gave me Bikini Kill and The Gits.

<Skid Row/ Skid Row/ 18&Life>

Check these out! Super sticky and latex free just for ME! Now I don't have to use a cotton ball and tape at the blud suckers! or ripe my skin off with a latex one... that's always gross... 

I found new latex free bandages to use at my dr appointments! <3

I have a new vampire (phlebotomist). Her name is Carolina. You'd like her. She's always smiling and has a funny and dirty joke to tell in a loud whisper and sneaky glancing around eyes. She has music in her voice. She's creole-cajun. She also LISTENS when I tell her what hurts. She's the one that started doing my draws from my shoulder - it's less tender for me and the vein is visible at the surface - no poking or digging around! "We'll go for the sure thing right here!" is what she told me the first day before I had even said anything, and poked the vein in my shoulder I showed you that day so quickly and gently I didn't feel it at all - AND I DIDN'T BRUISE. She's always gentle and uses the baby butterfly catheter on me, even though she knows it takes longer for my draws. She always coaxes my bluds out. "C'mon bluds, is's time t' wake up. Don' make me poke dis po' girl any mores den I's gotsta." She hasn't collapsed, rolled or missed a vein on me yet, unlike the other girl.... ugh. That girl sucked. I swear she poked my elbow joint on purpose because I told her how to do her job. But - it's MY body, I know how it reacts. I've been doing the bluds for years. My elbow veins roll and collapse. They always have. I hate hearing the *pop* the vein makes when it collapses... and that girl's giggly *OOPS*... I wanted to stab her in the eyeballs to hear them *POP* and then say *OOPS* heeheehee

<3 Doors Down/ Away From the Sun/ I Feel You>

It's almost 6 am Kenny, I need to at least attempt sleep. I miss you saying goodnight to me...

Goodnight, my lovie.

Love you Kenny. Come sing me to sleep again.

Love you Kenny. Come sing me to sleep again.

painsomnia, *quack*, puddles

My Kenny -

Good morning! *lickhug*

<The Cure / Japanese Whispers / Just One Kiss>

I can't sleep. I took my pills and they didn't work. I hate when that happens. Normally I'd be sending you crazy texts to amuse myself until you woke up to go peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)  Instead, I'm sitting in the dark, listening to my 72 day long playlist and writing to you, with silent tears streaming down my face.  I can't help it. I miss you telling me about your day and how you're feeling. I miss your texts telling me to "C'Mere!" and about how much Olympia smells like rain and smoke and trees. I miss your random *QUACK!* (remember the ducks having sex outside your window? HAHAHA)

<Black Label Society / Mafia / In This River>

My insomnia - or painsomnia, as the case usually is, has been getting worse. I didn't tell you about it because I didn't want you to worry about me more than you already did. Many nights I wake up in agony with my joints feeling like someone has filled them with fire ants and ground glass. My muscles have been cramping enough to leave bruises again. The dr thought I had a blood clot in my calf but tests showed nothing but a bad spasm and broken vein... You knew I'd never tell you how much my body hurts me.  Knowing you, I bet you'd see it anyhow. I'd slip up and wince or something .. I play a tough girl made of stone because I can't let the world see I'm weak and sickly now.

<Joy Division / Closer / Heart and Soul >

I have to go back to one of the -ologists soon. Not sure which one wants to do the MS testing - either the rheumatologist or the neurologist. Come hold my hand during the spinal tap, please! It's going to hurt and I'm scared. You're the only one I've told about being scared of the tests. I can fake it with everyone else, but I can't with you. I know you can't go in the MRI area with me due to your cyborg parts, but I know you'll be there in some form so I don't freak out too much.  I'm still putting off the liver biopsy until blood work says I absolutely have to have it... My latest tests didn't show the autoimmune hepatitis type 1 antibodies being so high this time... but my aunt (my Mom's older sister) has AIHt1 and needs a transplant.

<Run-D.M.C. / Greatest Hits / You Be Illin'>

Isaac is lingering, lumbering slowly inland. We're still just getting rain here, and heavy wind gusts every now and then. It's just a bad thunderstorm right now.  All the low areas are flooded - but that happens every time it rains. The house shaking in the gusts is a little unnerving though... There's gonna be tons of puddles though!

You know you want to hold hands and jump in the mud puddles with me - 

but we'll wait til the lightning goes away. I don't want your cyborg parts

acting like a lightning rod :)

Taboo is going crazy from the rain and wind, much like I am. Totally different reasons though. He wants to play in the yard, but hates getting wet - ha, a lab mix afraid of water! so he's full of the butt tucking zoomies around the house. Jumping over furniture, skidding down the hall on the throw rugs, tearing in circles around the kitchen island. He doesn't do it as much as he used to - he's getting old in dog years. I see the gray in his muzzle now and he limps when he overdoes things - much like you, and I (minus the gray whiskers :P).  I'm going to miss him when he goes over the rainbow bridge. Like you, he's been a major part of my life since I've been sick. He's seen me at my worst, and at my best.

<Lacuna Coil / Lacuna Coil / Falling>

When I first heard the news of your death and ran out of the room - Taboo went with me and laid next to me on the bed and whined with his paw on my hand, staring at me with his big brown knowing eyes. You would have loved him. He was rescued as a wee homeless pup, and now he rescues me. (Taboo's Story)

<Rage Against the Machine / RATM / Wake Up>

Love you Kenny boy,

~Anne <3

Butterflies, Stars, and #spoonie

My crazy silly Kenny, 

God how I miss your texts to me. I'm sure I'm driving your friends and family crazy. Miss Kelly is going to send me some of your things and some of your ashes.  I am going to paint a small urn with butterflies and stars and glitter for it.  I'll show you a picture when it's finished.  If you don't mind, I'm going to sprinkle a tiny bit of you into the water with some of my favourite glitter at my "thinking spot" on the beach.  I think you'll like it there.  It's quiet and peaceful and no one really goes there.

I started drawing our butterfly whirlwind and stars tattoo. I'm wondering how to weave your and my sister's names into it. I'm thinking of adding a tiny spoon into it for all of our #spoonie status.  I'm still wanting it to be a diagonal piece from my left hip up to and over my right shoulder. Quite ambitious for a first, but I can handle the pain with all we've all been through.  I know you wanted to go with me for it and hold my hand so when I go, I'll tell you.

I  bought these today -

The star is for you. The butterfly is, of course, for my sister and I.

I've been trying hard to not cry too much and being sad. I will admit to needing some pharmaceutical assistance... I didn't want to, but I can't sit here and cry constantly over you going to your stars - you'd want me to be happy you aren't in pain. Come visit me on the wings of the butterflies and kiss me with the wind.

Kristina and I have been laughing a lot over the pervy and silly things you said to us.  I've been remembering how much you made me laugh when I was hurting and in pain and so very sick... and not to quit on us. I won't give up on us. I promise. I know you'll be there waiting for me - Mr Perfect and full of patience.

Isaac is taking his sweet time - he's stalled right outside the coast of Louisiana. Lots of wind and rain. Transformers popping all over. I'm safe here - but I'm prepared to flee if needed. I had to write to you to distract me from it. You know I hate the storms.

The power is flickering a bit and the wind is picking up again so I must go.

<3 The Uneeek One

Isaac is coming...

Dear Kenny,

You know I hate the storms, the wind, the lightning, the thunder and the rain. And you know why.

I need you to come hold my hand.

Please help me.  I'm scared.

First day...

Kenny - aka @clearonthree

This is my favourite picture of you. 

Dear Kennyboy, 

I'm upset that you have been taken from us, and me, already.  So very sad.  I haven't cried in years over anything, and today, it's all I have done.  My heart is broken, but it's known a special love it will never forget.

I know you're sad to see me like this, but I also know you are sitting beside me and feel you holding my hand, and if I listen closely, I can hear you whispering to me that everything will be fine in a bit.  

At least now I know why you didn't return my texts or phone calls.  I was worried that something had happened to you, but hid it in my silly random messages and goofy face pictures sent the last few days to your phone.  I still want your voice in my ears and I keep expecting you to text me "ClearOnThree".

I had had a dream this morning and woke with a feeling of dread.  You were dead in a casket and I was laying a glitterfly on your heart as I kissed your forehead.  My tears dropped onto your lips and I kept expecting you to lick them away.

My Glitterfly, carrying my Kenny to his Stars!

I guess your body finally just said enough is enough. Enough with the kidney failure and dialysis. Enough with the pneumonias and pleurisy. Enough with the pain and pills and hurtyness.  The doctors, the hospitals...

I believe I will see you in my dreams, in the clouds and stars, in the rain, on the wings of a glitterfly.  I'll hear your voice and laughter on the wind.

Love,
Anne