annoying everyone around me

Dear Kenny <3

I miss you so much. I torture myself most nights, watching the videos you sent me and looking at pictures and rereading emails and texts. All it does it make me cry like a baby now and want to talk to you again, or crawl deep inside a hole and never come back out. I can't do this during the day or I wouldn't function at all. Only at night, when I'm awake alone and no one wants to, or is awake to talk to me, do I do this... 

I know it's annoying everyone around me - especially on the bad nights when they get a million rambling texts. I apologize constantly for it but I know it doesn't really do much good. 

I stopped telling the shrinky dink about you and how I feel about you being gone. He thinks I'm delusional. He told me to stop writing to you like you were still alive. He increased my visits to 3x a week and he fucked with my meds and I'm worse now than I was before. I can't think... or stop thinking. You know what I mean. 

I can't stay stabilized when  my brain keeps getting played with with different chemicals all the time. I promise I am taking my meds - just not the ones he put me on since my other doctors said not to - they reacted with another med I take and tripled my seizure chances and raised something else. I forget what. Serotonin maybe? to too high of levels - I was getting sick a lot. So I got taken off all of dr shrinky dinks med changes and put back on what I was on before since the doctors know how I react to them already and what dosages work for me...

I have 23 pills to take a day now to stay alive and not crazy... My desk looks like a pharmacy shelf. Sometimes I really wonder if it's worth it all. *Shrug* I hurt all the time. I rarely have a day where I feel like myself or am pain free. 

My coworkers are afraid I'm going to go psycho on them :(  I guess I look and sound crazy to them too. Every day they ask if I took my pills. lol I wish I were joking. The last few months have been really rough without you.

I still don't sleep. I stay awake most nights until daylight and take a hour nap before I go into work. When I do sleep, I dream about your death again. I don't want to see it anymore.

promise, rambling, tired

Kennyboy <3

Not writing didn't help me... I tried. Writing was helping more than keeping everything inside my head, I guess. I can barely function now... Still not sleeping.  I'm eating some - but it's somewhat useless when I throw up constantly from nausea and dizzyness. I'm tired of the you're so sick/getting too tiny/ looking comments. (well DUH? I AM SICK!). I know I'm annoying everyone around me with my rambling nonsense about whatever pops in my head all night and day.

Sometimes wish I didn't make that promise to you last winter. I really do. I'm tired, Kenny. So very tired. Tired of fighting myself. Tired of pills to stay alive. Tired of doctors and tests. Tired of hurting 24/7. Tired of being sick. Tired of nightmares every single night. Tired of crazy thoughts racing through my head. You wouldn't know if I broke that promise unless... what we believed is true. Then you'd yell at me for it. But, I don't break promises, even to people that are dead.

I was desperate Saturday night and had someone bring me some pain pills :( I was so sick Sunday day and night. I woke up feeling worse than usual - it's been a rough month at work mentally and physically for me - we're so shorthanded now and the OT is piling up on me. I don't know if the pills were too strong for me the night before, or the pain itself, or a migraine, or if it was just everything else catching up. I had a headache from hell, my back was spasming and I couldn't close my hands. I couldn't keep my eyes focused on anything, my world was tilting and spinning backwards more than usual. Glad Sundays have been boringly slow (football). I hate throwing up at work...

I didn't even make it the 8 miles home from work without telling Gwen to pull over (figures it was in Backatown -ghetto land- ugh - not where I wanted to be puking my guts out in the dark...). I tried taking a shower, but ended up just kneeling on the floor of the tub with my head on my knees until the hot water ran ice cold... then I just shut the water off and threw a towel over me until I stopped shaking.

overwhelmed, confused.

My Kennyboy <3

I've been having a bunch of bad nights right now. Way too many confusing thoughts inside my head and feelings in my heart. I don't know what I feel anymore. Emptiness? Anger? Lost? Hurt? Sadness? Overwhelmed? Alone? Broken?

My physical pain is the same. The cooler temperatures don't really help that. A chill makes my back go into spasms more often than not. I do whatever I can to avoid going into the freezers at work. My knees and hip joints... lets just say they don't like moving much without screaming at me right now. I try not to walk much without having a heating pad or ice pack handy... and ultram.

I can deal with it. Just really haven't been feeling like doing just that. Sometimes, I just want to hurt, and to whine about it. I just need more time inside my head and my butterflies.

< Black Label Society / Hangover Music V. VI / Layne >

This fear that clouds my mind
This fear that just won't die
Blacked out this world
Nothing's pure, nothing's real 

Oh, I'm just bidding my time
'Til I wave goodbye

If I could, you know I'd die
The final rest, just one big lie
This trip that's broke my back
My death is war, it's where I'm at

Oh, I'm just bidding my time
'Til I wave goodbye
Oh, goodbye
Oh, oh, oh yeah
'Til I wave goodbye

I miss you so much :( I still try not to think about you being gone. It makes me cry. I hate crying. Crying makes me angry then I cry more because I can't control what I'm feeling. It sucks when it happens at work. I hate people seeing me cry, especially them. It's easier to deal with if I just wall everything off. Tuck it away and lock it up. Bury it. Not think.

I am trying a different sleeping pill tonight. I need sleep. I would love dreamless sleep. I'll write later. The 't' key is driving me crazy. I have a new keyboard on the way. And it's too hard for me to type on my phone. Sometimes my fingers are so cold the phone doesn't seem to register I'm touching the screen or something.

I love you Kenny. I miss calling you.

Kenny boy ... how I miss you :( I miss having you to send texts to about work. I miss having your input on things and advice with problems. I miss your snortlaugh lol

There's so much stupid going on at work right now. Drama and more drama.

Exec chef and his ex gf got fired this week. Both offices got emptied the other day...

Now exec chef is stalking and harassing those he thinks got him fired. Following them in his truck from the parking lot, sending drunk threatening texts etc. Everyone that's worked with him is feeling kinda on edge. Myself included. He knows exactly where I live and what I drive.

And ppl wonder why I am so cautious of telling ppl where I live and giving out my phone number... thanks Gwen for telling and showing everyone!!!

I've gone thru this before.

I'm stuck on saute forever now I think. I hate it so fucking much but I need the money so badly :( I only got my raise because I can work everywhere except the grill. I prefer my behind the scenes spot... saute is a show off spot in the open kitchen area by the guests. I don't care that I'm the only girl ever to work it. I loathe when guests come up to watch or talk to me.  I like my.dungeon!

I'm getting sicker. My kidney function dropped 8 more points this last few months. I'm hovering around 64-65%.  5 points more til my Dr freaks out or something about it. Magic number is 60%....

My antibody levels keep going up which means more inflammation and my autoimmune system is attacking itself again. I have constant sore throats and joint swelling now. I know you already know what that means. It scared you before...

Love you kennyboy.

4 am...

Kennyboy <3

I feel like I'm the only person awake at 4 am these days :/ I know I'm not. My taxi driving neighbour is awake and my cop neighbour is outside with his dog, tinkering quietly with his bike. Even Taboo went to sleep in the bed without me tonight, which is unusual.

< Digital Underground / Sex Packets / Underwater Rimes (remix) >

My brain has been all jumbled up lately. Nothing has been making sense inside it and thoughts keep swirling around all over and bumping into each other and making a huge ass mess. The chains on the doors keep  unlocking and flying open and my neatly kept files are getting blown around and all mixed up. All the moving around in there keeps me awake and makes me exhausted at the same time. I don't expect anyone to really understand what's going on inside my head. I just wish it would stop for a little while so I can sleep and rest. The chains and doors worked for years. I don't know why they aren't working now. They aren't rusty... maybe someone is sneaking in an unlocking them.

< Faith No More / The Real Thing / Epic >

One of my night pills is making me feel really dizzy tonight. It's like my eyes are spinning around and can't focus on any one thing for very long. I'm afraid if I move too much, I'll throw up. Not sure how I'll make it to the bedroom. I might just sleep in here on the floor. Wouldn't be the first time I've crashed on my living room floor...

I've been trying not to think about how much I miss you every single day. It makes me cry. I start thinking too much about things that might have been and never will be. Then I cry more. Then I need a pill to calm back down and I can't get any more refills of them either right now. I know the pills are a quick fix and a dumb way to cope what's going on in my head and that eventually I will have to deal with things properly... I don't think I'm ready yet.

I haven't been writing as much. I'm sorry :( I just haven't had words in me. The words that are inside, just hurt to much to let out right now. Your friends have to be tired of me by now :(

< St. Lunatics / Snippets from... Free City / S.T.L. >

I've been watching a lot of horror gory torture bloody disturbing evil movies. Tis the season for them ;) I can manage to not think most of the time I am staring at the screen. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong in my head that I can watch these kinds of movies and not even blink about the scenes in them. It's not that I know they are just a movie... SOMEONE had to think this shit up. What makes their mind go there - what do they see in their heads when they go to sleep at night? Why does seeing this stuff not bother me? Seriously - Audition and Irreversible should be nearly unwatchable for some people... 

Speaking of the season... I wish I had someone that enjoyed the creepy haunted houses and tours in the city. Nothing better than creeping around in old cemeteries in the dark in New Orleans with old spirits and voodoo magic at Halloween times. I would love to take my camera out there to see what it might see...

< Kitaro / An Enchanted Evening / Silk Road >

I'm stuck on saute all fucking week again. Shoot me now. I'm still expected to prep the pastry stuff/desserts so I 'think' our sous chef is going to prep the saute station for me *crosses fingers*. I've gotten really good at making our butter sauces. Didn't have one break on me all week last week (go me!)... but I really don't want to get stuck on saute forever... My heart is in desserts and breads/baking etc... not fish LOL

I'm trying to think of a simple dessert special the buffet flunkie can't screw up. I had a few requests for my dark rum soaked sugar cakes... maybe I'll do them. The longer they sit, the more potent they get ;)  I should set one aside for me to eat at the end of the week :D

We have several thousand out of state people here for cruising the coast. We're hosting the burn out events in our parking lot and since bbbg has the windows overlooking it, we'll get a few more people than usual. I would love to have the week off to check out all the cars *drool* but that will never happen. You know I'm a muscle car junkie! I wish I still had my old '84 Grand Prix. It's a classic now LOL but I know the ex sold it for way too cheap when I left him. He never did have money or investment sense...

< Body Count / Born Dead / Drive By >

Yay, time for the night sweats and burning up body on fire feeling. I wish I knew which pills did this. I'd take them earlier in the night or see if I could get them changed. I have sweat running down my face and I'm just sitting here :( My house is cold: 68º...

I should attempt lying down and resting. It's going to be another hellishly long week at work. Gwendolyn insists we need to get there an hour earlier every day... 

I love you. Come sleep with me. I miss you.

vip rhcp

Kennyboy <3

I had the dreaded very important pig party at work this morning... The suits upstairs decided on the strangest menu items... I don't know how any of it is classified as hors d'oeuvres or finger food... corn beef n sauerkraut? beer brats with peppers?  braised cabbage? Everyone in the dining room is going to be farting and crop dusting each other... I know it's Oktober but...

The 't' key on my keyboard has a mind of it's own. It works when it wants to, which isn't very often without a bunch of fierce button mashing. I think this keyboard is 10 years old now. Guess a new one is in my future soon :( It was an awesome 10$ keyboard!

I'm back to not sleeping much, if at all, again. Just too many memories and fucked up dreams lately. Sometimes I'm just not very tired, or my brain won't shut off, or I hurt too fucking much. Not sure if I need my meds adjusted AGAIN or what. I'm so tired and exhausted (and irritable with idiots...) during the day, but come dark... I'm awake! But, no one else awake... Just me. I'm always the complete opposite of every other person around. I'll crash at some point I know. It's just never at a good time when that happens.

I'm stuck on saute for another week... :( I'll manage... It hurts my joints to keep using those damn heavy cast iron skillets... Everyone better buy stock in ibuprofen and naproxen! and tramadol and icy hot. I do get some nice arms and shoulders from slinging skillets for hours and hours a day ;) Wanna arm wrestle?!

The RHCP concert at the arena in New Orleans was the best ever.  Those old dudes can still jump around insanely ;) I wish you could have gone with me.

I love you <3 My brain is getting all mushy from the tramadol and muscle relaxer. Hoping my legs stop hurting soon.

I saw a butterfly today on my way to work.

itchy, dream death

Kennylovie <3

LONG boring night at work... I'm stuck on saute/fish again :( *cries* I hate it. The sous chef for the cafe restaurant is on suspension, so our chef d' cuisine fine dining chef went to work that restaurant and our other sous chef is working his spot, so I'm taking the sous chef's spot...  The head chef over all of them is on vacation (again - plus he used to date the suspended chef but they just broke up and are fighting - coincidence on her suspension??) It's all so full of d r a m a again. I HATE DRAMA!!!!. I feel like I'm back in high school. They are so exhausting to be around. One day I'm going to either scream at them or bite my tongue clean off :)

< Marilyn Manson / The Golden Age of Grotesque / Para-Noir >

I don't remember most of what I wrote last night - especially the last 2 paragraphs LOL I read what I wrote this morning and thankfully it wasn't anything terribly embarrassing. All my pills kicked in at one time from the looks of it. Or maybe just the ambien. Dunno. I didn't sleep well anyhow. I woke up every hour or so, hot and twitchy and itchy. Still makes me think of the junkie days... I miss them, and I don't... What a mess I was then. Well, I still am, but worse then. Way worse. I don't think you'd like that me. I didn't like that me. I was always angry when I wasn't on something or another. So angry, so hateful. Pretty much pushed everyone away. Those that wouldn't go away, I left behind...

< Nine Inch Nails / The Downward Spiral / Liar (reptile demo) >

I'm having a kinda not good night. I miss you. I miss having you to talk with. I miss other stuff, too. But, never had you to do it with - other than in my head. I'd imagine what it would be like to hold hands while watching tv or lying on the grass and staring up at clouds. bf doesn't like doing any of that stuff. He barely kisses me on the forehead. If I think too much about things like that right now, I'll start crying. and I know I wouldn't stop tonight.

Know how sometimes you can tell before even swallowing the pill, you know it's just not going to work? That's how tonight is. I knew before taking them they weren't gonna do their job. It's a dangerous spot for me to be in. You know if I get desperate enough what'll happen ;/ I'm trying not to, Kenny.

< Nine Inch Nails / The Slip / Lights in the Sky >

I think I'm going to a break from here... Imseeing things that can't exist, stupid ambien - like dreaming? of me dying again- even though im techincaly still awake right now. Only took 2 hours for ambien to kick in. If i were dead id not b e writing i don't think. maybe i'm just crazy.

Love you <3

da sad one

ramblings

Dear Kennyboy <3

I'm so exhausted but when I lie down, I don't sleep. I stare at the wall or toss and turn endlessly. My muscles start twitching, knotting, cramping and trembling... It's so annoying. I start getting hot and sweaty, and itchy, and my heart starts going all crazy and my mind starts racing, then I get aggravated and get back up.

My pills aren't helping anymore. I took another sleeping pill in hopes it'll at least make me calm enough to just lie there. I'm allowed 2 pills... I only have a few left of the ambien then I have to switch back to the klonopins :(


I still feel like creepy crawlies are in my skin. Nothing works for the itching... I cut all my long gorgeous nails off - I was scratching myself bloody... How did you deal with this? Benadryl does nothing for me. I feel like I'm coming down off a junkie weekend LOL My skin isn't dry - far from it...

I still have peeeeeeeee issues, or actually, the lack of peeeeeeeeee issues. My lower back still hurts. Doctor told me to do yoga and that I have an inflamed sacro-illiac joint... wtf? He didn't even look at my back or do any tests. *sigh* I saw the look in his eye - hypochondriac. Time to fire this doctor and get a new one again.

Let's see, how many other complaints can I cram in here? LOL How bout my lips are peeling like crazy and get all bloody! It's not even winter yet... and my eyes hurt ;)

I hear the train going by - it's late. Both in time of night - 3 am, and the train itself is behind schedule by about 45 minutes tonight.

I feel like crap already this week. My RHCP concert tickets got reissued - for Thursday... Hope I'm well enough to go... The concert was supposed to be in Feb remember? Then Anthony Kiedis broke his foot so it go delayed. Til 2 days from now. GAH! You know I'll go even if I feel like shit - I've waited forever for this! This is one good thing about living in NoLA! Lots of concerts and bands come here. Too bad I have to pick and choose which to go to because of work... :( I can't spend the night in the city this time either - gotta go home after the show, which is a good thing I guess - less opportunity to drink...(I'm trying Kenny... It's so hard :( ) I'm gonna be so drained friday when I get to work LOL

I feel pill #2 trying to work it's magic. typing is in sllloooooow motion.

Love you Kennnnnylovieboy

Come sleep with me tonight. Ill show you my latest  butterfly addition... addiction.

love flutterby kisses

maybes...

Dear Kennyboy <3

I can barely move tonight - the pain in my bones is pretty bad. I slept off and on most of the day and have now taken my 3rd pain pill along with my usual advil and aleve :( You know I have to be desperate to take my painkillers because I hate how they make me feel even more nauseated and dizzy than I already  normally feel. Nothing really works for the bone pain, I don't know why I even try to numb it. I borrowed your stars today to help deal with it. My butterflies were overwhelmed and couldn't get off the ground.

There's a buzzing in my head and it's driving me crazy because it's become more frequent in occurrence. My butterflies have never worked on that and the doctors haven't got a clue what it is or what's causing it or how to make it stop. It's like my brain is vibrating like a tuning fork... I used to just think it was something in the background - at work or wherever I was but no one else could hear it and just looked at me strangely when I would mention it. I hear/feel it everywhere I go now...

I really missed you today. It's been a month I think now since I last heard your voice live or had a text or email from you. I broke today and read the last 200 texts we had before you died... I cried. I wondered if you would have gone to the er if I had called you and asked you to go when you felt the infection spreading... Just more what if's and wonderings. I know I shouldn't question your death, and should just accept things and move on since I can't change any of what has happened... but you know how my stupid mind works - or doesn't work LOL.

I know I can't fix your being gone. I so would if I could. I'd move us back many years - oh 10 years or so, so we could have had a looooonger time together. Maybe those things wouldn't have happened to either of us to make us both hate parts of ourselves so much that we tried to erase ourselves from this life... maybe we both wouldn't have ended up with such broken scarred bodies and minds and ended relationships with those we loved. Maybe you'd still be here now, if I had been there then? I know we talked about that a few nights - if I would have appeared in your life years ago... how certain things would have been different. But - maybe it just would have prolonged the inevitable. That some things are just meant to happen no matter what and nothing will change them from occurring, they just get rewritten to a new time period. (Like in Final Destination?, just not with death only)

I need to lie down again. I'm dizzy and don't want to fall on the ceramic tile and crack my skull open (though maybe the buzzing in there would finally STOP).

I love you Kenny <3

~da uneeek one

crunchy

Dear Kennyboy <3

My body feels crunchy and crackly. I can hear my joints and muscles and their connectors sounding like rice crispies anytime I move or stretch LOL There's a knot in the muscle behind my left shoulder blade - the skelaxin isn't doing much for it today. I'll have to see if I can get a stronger muscle relaxer prescribed. The skelaxin is fine for while I am at work since it doesn't give me any weird side effects, but it's really not strong enough for true relief of the knots in my back and legs. For now I have one of Taboo's tennis balls wedged between me and the chair. That'll last until he sees I have it ;)

Fall is here for today - it's cool outside... The air isn't crisp though, so it'll get hot again soon. The nights have been perfect in the 60's - Taboo smells like cold air when he comes inside and acts all crazy from the coolness. Fireplaces down here on the Gulf Coast are more for decoration than true use, but by Christmas, or on a particularly cold day or night, there will be a little smokiness added to the air. It'll make me think of you. You always told me that Olympia smelled like rain, wet dirt, wood smoke, cold air and trees. I wish I could have spent every season there with you. I do hate being cold - my bluds are tropical! - but I'd adapt for you. Afterall, I grew up in Michigan! I played in snow taller than my dad - and he's a giant at 6'5"! I remember the city bringing in dump trucks to haul all the snow away in town one year and dump it on the lake because there was so much of it. Walking through the sidewalks was a maze of tunnels from the drifts being so tall.

I found a recipe for almond praline Madeleine tea cakes that I can't wait to make. I found a sea shell pan in my baking stuff that is a perfect mold for them. They always make me think of silver tiered trays filled with little pastries, scones and cakes set out at fancy teas in my Victorian and historical novels lol  Yes, my guilty pleasure is historical romances - by Victoria Holt/Phillipa Carr. I can see the castles and landscapes in my head.

I'm going to back back to sleep for a bit. I love you :)

blackened chicken fish, hurty, love

My lovie <3

I survived working saute... You knew I would. You always knew I could do things even when I didn't believe I could. I do HURT though. My goodness. It was busy and those cast iron skillets are heavy. My shoulders and wrists are screaming at me :( My hands hurt so bad, I can't twist open my water bottle cap. I don't shine on saute (yet) but I am working on it - I shine at making wickedly fattening desserts lol

Sunday is my Friday... I can't wait for work to be over. It's been a rough week for me.

Our customers this week... I had a lady send back her blackened redfish tonight. She insisted I served her blackened chicken... REALLY? I cleaned the fish myself - I promise it wasn't chicken LOL  I think she tasted it and decided she didn't like fish or our in-house made blackening spice. The others at her table that had the same dish (from the same fish, even!) had no problems with it.

Li'l Miss Sophia is getting so big! I get pictures and videos almost every day. She giggles now and she loves peas and bananas. Her eyes are still really dark - but changing from blue to green like mine, and her hair is strawberry blonde. She looks like my sister - especially in her eye shape and her nose. I want to compare pictures of my sister at that age to Sophia. I'm glad she takes after my sister and not her daddy.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love you? If not, I love you!

I have to lie down. Hurty. Come visit with me.

<3 Me

snoring dog, big grey cats, butterscotch

Dear Kenny <3

It's late...  - 4 am. Taboo is on the sofa, snoring and paw and tail twitching like dogs do. Sometimes, he sighs. He's on his back, and so deeply in sleep that his mouth is hanging open with the tip of his tongue sticking out and his pitbull/lab floppy lips are flopped open LOL. I'd take a picture, but I think my moving would wake him up - then he'd want to play...

I'm exhausted but sleep is being elusive ? tonight. I took a sleepy making pill and a pain pill but, I'm still hurty. Physically and mentally. I'm getting that sickly pale face with the black circled, red rimmed eyes look again from the combination of pain and insomnia... The look you found beautiful on me LOL Silly boy <3. I miss saying that to you.

I know when I fall asleep in a bit, I'll dream... I'm tired of dreaming nightmares. I always had nightmares as a little kid. No monsters in the closet or under the bed for me. The monsters were (and still are) in my HEAD. BF doesn't understand my nightmares. I don't usually turn to him for comfort for them either.

Last night I dreamed of grey jaguars mixed with lynx and being attacked by one as I was working in an office filled with idiots. I woke up with my arm bloody where I guess I had clawed at it in my sleep?

I watched Girl, Interrupted again tonight. I read the book years ago... I can always relate to crazy people and the loony bin ;)

I have to work saute/fish/sauce Saturday night :( NOT looking forward to it. It's just not where I want to work at on a Saturday night - and on a give-away night at the casino. Not when I'm having a pain flare up. It's not something I can explain to the head chef though... I have some buffet flunkie working my salad/cold  station and desserts. I already know everything is going to go out looking like garbage - it always does when this kid fills in. The busier the night gets, the worse he sends my dessert plates out looking. He doesn't want to work with us on busy nights because he can't wander and whines the whole time about it being busy and how he is "doing us a favour". On slow nights, he loves coming to 'help' cuz he can disappear and FB and tweet and text on his phone all night. So aggravating.

This week's dessert best seller at work? Butterscotch creme brulee. I always call it my old person flavour ;) Young people now have no idea what flavour real butterscotch is (or real caramel for that matter - they are all used to artificial ones!). I make my own butterscotch syrup for it - nothing fake in my desserts if I can help it. Besides, it's cheaper to make my own since I only make a small amount of my specials each week. I usually run each creme brulee flavour for 2 weeks straight just because I use any leftover uncooked base to make ice creams or cake fillings, but the rest of my dessert specials are just a weekend each. We're closed 2 days a week, so I try not to have too much extra hanging out by Sunday night.

I need to lie down with a heating pad on my joints and an ice pack on my head. Maybe the buzzing in my skull will go silent.

Love you Kenny. Please come lie down with me for a bit.

butterflies, triggering dreams, painsomnia

Silly Kennyboy <3

I can't sleep - I forgot my crazy meds... Dunno how, I rarely forget to take any of my pills unless I finally crash out and sleep for 2-3 days straight... 

Random shuffle tonight while I occupy my wide awake self at 3 am...

< RUN D.M.C. / Greatest Hits / It's Like That >

The dreams started again last night... THOSE dreams that aren't really true dreams, but memories that come back in my dreams *draws arrows to middle of next paragraph*. The ones when I'd call or text you and be crying and scared, rambling on incoherently about the dark and blood and pain and the butterflies, waking you up in the middle of the night, and confusing you greatly until you understood I wasn't really me, and I wasn't really even awake...  Do you remember talking me through those dream nights? You asked me simple questions and didn't push me to explain - eventually you pieced things together and cried with me and talked me back to sleep. I loved you then, but I couldn't tell you then.

< Dream Theater / Awake / Lifting Shadows Off A Dream >

That song right there? - it makes me think of you... Go - Listen to it, you'll figure out why. Too bad we didn't meet when it first came out - 1993-1995 was the start of the next stage of really fucked up life experiences for me. Got married the first time, turned into a human punching bag within months of putting the ring on my finger, almost died getting out of that one. The last few months in that house, I had my chest and back cut up and burned with cigarettes, was raped, got hit with a chair leg and a baseball bat, was handcuffed to a bar in the closet with a locked door, so I couldn't leave, and the last night there - I was held against the wall with a loaded gun in my mouth and the phone cord wrapped around my neck with 911 asking what was my emergency. Lots of time spend in the hospital after that one, all broken up - fractured collar bone, concussion, broken wrist, broken fingers, 4 cracked ribs and a dislocated shoulder. Broken mind. More than once, I wished he would just kill me, or that  *I* could kill me, and be done with it all. 

Best part though? Getting blamed for it by people I trusted and loved. I really enjoyed being told that everything was all my fault and I should have been a better wife and did what my husband wanted...

All of you know who you are and Karma's a bitch :) 

Butterflies in my head saved me then, Kenny... The more things hurt, the more butterflies I saw until I couldn't feel anything happening to my body. Pain on the wings of the butterflies, up and away from me. Even in the dark, I could see them - all glittering and sparkly. 

See? The butterflies... Butterflies when I was little, butterflies then, butterflies now.

< VAST / Turquoise & Crimson / Beautiful >

The walls went up quickly after that. I quit speaking to everyone then - literally. I didn't speak for at least a year that I can remember. Quit working. Quit being human. I drank a lot and did many, many, many drugs to forget it all. I lived in parks and shelters and bus stations after I got out of the hospital and the wonderful crazy ward. I walked and rode the buses a lot. I changed cities and states like a butterfly getting pushed around by the wind. I know I saw 7 or 8 states in a few months time. Ohio, Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia, North Carolina, Georgia, Alabama... I wasn't really lost... I just fluttered around.

The first half of my water drinking tonight at work - 50 oz.... with lime!

< Silvertide / Show and Tell / You Want It All >

We were alike in so many strange, little ways too :)

Kristina told me about your lining up of diet cokes at work... I've always done it that - with endless bottles of water now instead of diet coke cans (since I'm not supposed to drink soda of any type anymore :( ) Oh, we also crush our empty cans the same way, too LOL Everyone is used to my bottle line up and crushed ice packed quart cup every shift - the only thing that changes is the fruit. Sometimes citrus, sometimes frozen berries or green apple slices. Water is SO VERY BORING! I miss my diet cokes :( Doctor said NO MORE sodas until my liver and kidney function tests are done again. *cries* Shhhhhh I still sneak one every now and then...

You'd think drinking up to 100 oz of water each shift would make me peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (each bottle is 10 oz). Nope. No peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hardly at all. Either I am super dehydrated, or my diuretic isn't working for me. I so rarely ever have to pee at work. I doubt that means anything GOOD for me these days. I miss sending you my OMG GGP! texts for those rare gotta go PEEEEEEEEEE times LOL

< Motley Crue / Greatest Hits / Primal Scream >

I'm going to attempt a nap now. I have to leave for work in a few hours. I'll whisper to your star for a few more minutes as I lie in the dark and wish for you to join me for a little while.

I love you and miss you.

voices

Kennylove <3

I wish I could talk to you on the phone. I called it last night, again... you didn't answer. It didn't even do your This is Kenny! voicemail message :( I guess it finally got shut off... Now I don't get to hear your voice unless I listen to the videos, voicemails and voxer messages on my phone - I'm so afraid they are going to go POOF on me one day and I'll never hear you again :(  You don't know how much those mean to me, how often listening to you got me through a bad night or a shitacular day. I wish we would have gotten around to reading books to each other so I'd be able to listen to you for hours with my headphones at work and at home when I am unable to sleep at night...

It was the neverending night at work... It was busy, but time was going backwards. I really didn't want to be there at all. Gwen was driving me absolutely crazy - from her weird inflection on words - OY-stchures (oysters), praf-O-ated (perforated) - those both grate on my last nerve LOL to her not listening to what the rest of us more experienced chef type people tell her. She's old and this is her first cooking job ever. I've been in restaurants non stop for nearly 30 years... Don't boil butter sauces, salt squashes before steaming so the excess liquid is drawn out and it doesn't go mushy on the line or leak out on plates, don't freak out over things going wrong in the rush (she literally starts twirling around because she's so flustered and I have to kick her off the line and take her place... ) - sauces break, tickets get read wrong, servers forget things, customers change their minds - it happens! Throw it out or fix it. It takes longer to complain than it does to remake... I've never worked with anyone so unsuited to kitchen life before... She makes me need an extra Xanax and a drink some nights :D

Our squash boxes were sad in the cooler all by their lonesome.

I'm starting to hurt really bad again in my hip joints and lower back. I'm going to try to lie down and sleep. Maybe I can pass out before the pain keeps me awake. You're free to join me.

I love you!

love you miss you need you

Dear My Kenny <3

Having a strange night... I really miss you but I'm ok. Seriously wantneedy for things I won't have tonight, or ever the way things go with bf. You know how I am... even though I push people out of my personal space more often than not, sometimes I need do a hug or a cuddle on the sofa or my hands held for hours.

I guess I'm getting used to you not being here. I still keep expecting/wishing for you to call me, or send a text, or even just show up - saying you were horribly sick and no one could get in touch with me...  I know it won't happen, but I can still wish for it on your star...  It's clear and silvery tonight here in the dark, by the way. If I look at it at an angle, I can see flecks of different blue and green shades in it - like glitter. I think I choose the cut and crystal style well - it suits you. It goes super well with my purple butterfly.

I started out with a Pink Floyd/A Momentary Lapse of Reason playlist tonight, and now it's all random again. I didn't even notice my queue had played out an hour ago. I was drawing a little... trying to get back into the habit and routine. I need to make some more art and graphic designs to sell in my online shop.

I still have random tears. They don't last long if I let them fall, but if I try to hold them back they'll last all day. I have to hold them back at work, I have no choice really. I just wait til I get home and write to you before letting them fall fully.

< 3 Doors Down / Away From the Sun / I Feel You >

...They gave me a life that's not so easy to live

And then they sent me on my way

I left my love, forgot my dreams

I lost them along the way

Those little things you say

When words mean so much

You never back down

And they all shy away

You always listen to me...

I haven't lost anymore weight this week, I'm still at -18#... I'm trying to eat more. I'm already malnourished enough with all my vitamin deficiencies. Food just doesn't interest me right now. Nothing tastes good. The smell of some things still makes me want to throw up. I haven't had the energy, or lack of pain, to do any of my exercise beyond some stretching and playing with Taboo. Work just takes it all out of me. It's all I can do just to make it through my shifts right now.

I think I go back to the regular doctor in a couple weeks, but I'm not positive. He's the one that does all my regular yearly blud labs and likes to tell me I'm obese LOL He's also the one that wants me to be a stick figure at 120# (or less... ) At least he'll be 'okay' with my being at 170#. It's less than I was last time I saw him. My work pants are baggy now ;) And - I can button the bottom buttons of my chef jacket and have room inside it for my t-shirt!

The veins in my hands and arms stick out now sometimes - is that a good thing? They used to look all sunken in and almost black under my skin... Now they are bright blue. I can really see the blue colour in my shoulder and upper chest area. I can't get a good picture of them or I'd show you.

I declined going to a culinary competition this year - one of the guys is going to do it this time... I didn't think I could handle the stress of all that right now since I haven't been feeling all that great. They'll be others I will do. I still need my gold for desserts to complete my collection of medals for the ACF! I kinda wanted to do this one (wild game) but it's not an area I'm comfortable 'showing off' in, yet. I know you'd tell me I'd do fine and you have confidence in me and I'd say Yeah right... and I'd go do it and be fine whether I placed or not. But, I don't think you'd push me to do it if I wasn't feeling well enough. You'd want me to rest up for the next one :)

I need to attempt a nap before I go to work :( I'm not really sleepy, but I know I need to rest.

I love you Kenny <3

crazy dream

My kennyboy <3

I couldn't write last night - I was too tired and couldn't form words... I needed to take an extra pain pill because my hip joints and spine hurt so much :(

I miss talking to you. I didnt think it mattered so much to my mental state but it did... I can tell now. The difference it makes having someone to be completely open and honest with without having to hide things or cover up or sugarcoat. Its exhausting to have to tame and tailor my words to others that would get offended, hurt or disgusted by my true thoughts spoken aloud :)

I had a crazy dream last night about walking poisonous vine plants. They lived in my curtains... that's what I get for taking a painpill while looking at pictures of pretty plants in the poison gardens while lying in bed waiting for sleep.

Bf is sick. He's been coughing for 2 days. Yet he won't quit smoking. Ill have to find a sleeping pill tonight or I won't sleep at all with him coughing all night. Hoping I don't catch it. I usually don't get boring things like colds or the flu. If I'm going to waste my time being sick - I get something extra fun like pneumonia or meningitis! Needless to say, he stayed home from work today so germs are everywhere.

For the first time in a month I guess.... I feel hungry. And there's nothing here to eat. I havent bought groceries all month. Helen's been busy and hasn't dropped off any thing either.  Well there is stuff to eat but it involves more work than I have energy to do at the moment. I have to run errands in a bit so any energy I have is going to that right now.

I love you Kenny. Ill write again tonight.

Need hugs

Kenny lovie <3

I so could use a hug tonight. And cuddles and  snuggles in bed or in the big chair under a blanket. Instead I'm lying here with taboo and curled up on my pillow.

Bf and his friend are playing a new video game in the other room.  I'm tired and hurty and just want to sleep but I don't feel sleep coming even with the pills I took. I need a warm body to squish up on and heartbeats and arms around me and a hand stroking my hair or something... but I'm not a ps3 controller so no such things for me.

Its sad my bf barely hugs me or kisses me - or speaks to me, to be completely honest. More like roommates :/ I know you and I have  talked about this situation many nights. Its bugging me tonight.  You'd tell me to come live with you and id never be without any of those basic simple things again. I couldn't then. You know why.

I left my second husband after things stayed like like this for years. We'd sometimes go days without speaking or seeing each other.  I had other reasons for leaving  also - like his total lack of hygiene, inability to hang onto money  and his mental issues: lack of trust and severe paranoia. I couldn't handle those anymore. The night he punched the two 40g fishtanks and I had lizards and frogs and fish and water everywhere... I gave him the choice to get mental help or I'd leave.

At least bf showers and brushes his teeth and uses deodorant daily. He also doesn't assume  I'm cheating on him anytime I leave the house to run errands. Ex#2 used to have me call from a landline every hour so it would show up on the caller id...  bf does like to spend money though.

Why do I always get in these stupid relationships? Its like I am a dumbass magnet or something.

Sometimes I wonder... if id just be better off living by myself. I do kinda prefer being alone.  Maybe I need a gf again and to take another break from boys. Lol

I'm going to clean the kitchen up now... even though I haven't been the one here to make it a wreck. It won't get done though if I don't do it. Its like I'm the only one that sees the pile of dishes and overflowing trash cans. Maybe i'll be able to sleep. Maybe I'll end up wondering what it would be like to have help. Maybe I'll just stand at the sink and imagine you're there behind me, giving me a hug while I wash dishes.

Night Kenny <3

rest with me

Dear Kennyboy <3

I miss my stay up all night and text while in painsomnia buddy... :/  Everyone I know sleeps at night... except for me! I do need to attempt some form of lying down soon though. Got a busy day at work in a few hours. I had to make myself a prep list so I wouldn't forget what I needed to do, besides a ton of baking.

My night fevers are back again. When I do manage sleep, I wake up dripping with sweat. Not the most comfortable feeling. Makes me feel gross, especially if my hair or pillow are wet :(

First song that popped up in my playlist tonight, and it's so me...

< Savage Garden / Savage Garden / To the Moon & Back >

She's taking her time making up the reasons 

To justify all the hurt inside 

Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes 

Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one 

They're saying "Mamma never loved her much" 

And,"Daddy never keeps in touch 

That's why she shies away from human affection" 

But somewhere in a private place 

She packs her bags for outer space 

And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come 

And she'll say to him 

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be my baby 

Got a ticket for a world where we belong 

So would you be my baby? 

She can't remember a time when she felt needed 

If love was red then she was color blind 

All her friends they've been tried for treason 

And crimes that were never defined 

She's saying"Love is like a barren place 

And reaching out for human faith is like a journey 

I just don't have a map for" 

So baby's gonna take a dive and 

Push the shift to overdrive 

Send a signal that she's hanging 

All her hopes on the stars 

What a pleasant dream 

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be my baby 

Got a ticket for a world where we belong

I'm ok. I still find myself staring off into space a lot and wondering What If's and Why's and Wishing. The more I think, the more I cry and miss you. At some point, I'm going to have to move on, let go and just hold onto our happy stuff. I don't know when that will be. I'm afraid to listen to my voicemails and voxer messages from you in case I accidentally delete them. I'm afraid I'll forget your voice.

Its so rare for me to get so close to people quickly, like I did with you. It usually takes me years to feel that comfortable. I still can't stand my boyfriend's friends and family giving me hugs or touching me or getting in my personal little space and I've known them all for years now. I've never been one of those touchy feely people. I cringe when I'm around certain people cuz I know they will attempt to hug me or meeting new people that want to shake my hand or something. ICK! I can get out of the hand shaking by using my arthritis pain excuse... It's harder to dodge a hug gracefully without seeming like a bitch.

I've been having very weird, random and crazybad dreams lately. I can't even put them into words without sounding insane. I can remember every detail of them, from beginning to end. I've been sleepwalking again - I know that worried you a lot. I know it's because I'm very sleep deprived and stressed out right now. One of my med's has nightmares as a side effect... like I needed any help in THAT department and I know the ambien has the amnesia issue so I don't really know what I'm doing in my sleepwalker wanders... I do know Taboo gets up with me and stays in whatever room I end up in - I usually wake up with him sleeping on my legs.

I can feel and hear the ringing in my ears, inside my skull. I wish it would stop. Even my music isn't drowning it out tonight. Tuning it out is giving me a headache at the base of my head. It's been going on a few days now.

I'm going to lie here and close my eyes for a bit. you're welcome to come join me, I'd like the company.

Love you Kennyboy <3

Can't sleep :/

Dear my kenny <3

I miss you. I have no one to talk to anymore.

Having one of those days. The main system drive on my komputer box decided to fail so I spent the last few hours getting my backup drive updated and xferring files around until I get another harddrive to stick win7 on. *sigh* just how I wanted to spend my evening.

The bank called me today to let me know they froze my account due to suspicious activity. I have to go to the bank now and get a new card reissued and unfreeze my account. I don't have time for this crap. At least no money went poof and all my bills are paid for the next week.

I haven't heard anything from the Dr on the uterine biopsy and tests she did a couple weeks ago. No news = good news? The grey tissue Blobby thing seriously freaked me out last year and I'm afraid its going to happen again. Wish the Dr would have just done the hysterectomy when I asked for it when I was 18....

Neighbours being loud outside.

Taboo is squishing me and being a furry furnace. Its been too cool outside at night for the AC to kick on but too humid for the windows to be open. The house is stuffy. I can't sleep but need to try soon.

Long day tomorrow at work and I'm not feeling well at all. My lower back hurts and I can't peeeeeeeeeee hardly a drop.  I still feel like throwing up all the time and I've been really dizzy when I need to stand all night at work. *sigh* this is all becoming my new normal.  Feeling like shit all the time. Sleeping doesn't even give me a break from it.

You'd be proud of me... I haven't had a drink in 3 weeks... major effort for me. I know you hated it when I would drink and get all angry at the world. I'm sorry :(

I love you.

Sleepy uneeek one

Kennyboylove

Crashing soon. Sleepypill working. Just wanted to say I was fine and I love you and miss you.

Sleepy meeee

*warning red bluds inside*, cats, stars n butterflies

Sillyboy <3

I'm ok... Feeling sad and missing you, but I'll be fine. I have these:

Butterfly and Star

They'll get me through this. Your star is blue and green tonight in the dark. I couldn't get a picture of it without a flash and that just wasn't going to work...

<Evanescence / Fallen / Hello>

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm I'm still here 
All that's left of yesterday

I love Amy Lee's voice... and her eyes... and this song. It's fitting for me tonight.

I cut my finger open today at work getting a knife out of my chef bag. Just a small nick, really, but my goodness, did it bleed. 2 hours straight! I went through 5 paper towels and I'm not sure how much went down the sink while I was washing the cut out...

This is paper towel #5. I put the rest in the biohazard box in the locker room. 

My first thought? Oh, Kenny would LOVE this. 2 hours of drippy bluds. I imagined you spending the whole time just licksucking the bluds off the tip of my finger. Or rubbing it on my lips and having you  kissing it off them. Yup, I am blud loving crazy person, too.

But, since I was at work, I kinda had to make a tourniquet with paper towels and masking tape until it stopped enough to keep a bandaid on. Not sure if I should tell my doctor of this or not LOL It's only a 2mm long cut and only a bit deeper than a papercut but the non stop bleeding was a bit odd. I thought it had stopped after a few minutes, but as soon as I unwrapped it the first time, bluds squirted out over the sink. Gwen freaked ;) She hates bluds.

Of course, my arm hurts now like it does when I have my hour long blud sucking treatments with the vampires. Maybe I lost a bit more than I think... At least it's not orange anymore... I'm covering it with xeroform gauze tonight, and tomorrow at work I'll put my MRSA topical stuff on it with a waterproof bandage, just in case. I think it bled enough to prevent anything sticking around inside it, but... staph is going around work again. Yeah. 

One of the casino bartenders just died from staph in his blood and infecting his brain :( He was only 30. Here one day, gone the next. :( So much death around me again. Bf's dad, you, a bartender and a maintenance guy - both from work, Gwen's sister - just this year, of people I knew. 

<Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross / TGWTDT / Another Way of Caring>

I know I shouldn't, but I want to watch The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo again. Alone, so if I cry, no one will stare at me. I'm prepared for my personal trigger scenes and will FF through them if I feel like I need to, since I don't have you to talk to about them anymore... They were like reliving that crap all over again and I didn't know they were included in the movie since I didn't read the book first and I refused to look at any trailers or reviews online about the movie :( I know you hated hearing about that happening to me - I heard you crying, even though it was way forever in the past. You are only the second person I've shared all the details with and the only one who understood the joyous fun of being sent to the looney bin after. 

I'm fine, really. Not lying. I'm not even crying. Ok, I was crying a little earlier but I was reading old texts from you. I'm afraid to delete them. What if I forget things?? 

<House of Krazees / Season of the Pumpkin / Season of the Pumpin>

The cats are being weird... 

Callie has decided to live in my backpack -

and Booger likes the old computer chair next to the dog food bowls - 

Both torment Taboo - even when he isn't near them! They growl from the hallway while he's at the other side of the house if they see him. They'll paw his nose or paws when he's sleeping on the sofa. They hiss and yowl for no reason if a human is around to hear it. They sneak into my closet or under my bed and growl at Taboo while he's sleeping on the bed. He barely goes near them - and avoids eye contact with them whenever possible. I can't keep their door closed anymore because they now bodyslam it endlessly or paw underneath it until it gets so annoying I open the door... It's hard for me to sleep as it is - that racket is GAH!! It sounds like an exorcism going on in there!!! How did I get stuck with these two monsters?? I hate cats. Why do *I* have to take care of bf's mom's cats??? Booger clawed the shit out of my arm last night when I was shooing her off the counter tops and Callie insists I'm her new best friend when I'm brushing my teeth...

<Big Dumb Face / Duke Lion Fights the Terror!! / Voices in the Wall>

chatterboxing

numbers talking

silent, softer

somehow smarter

voices in the wall

they are far

they are talking something

something that is small

very tiny

speaking silently

they are working

hard

making, bumping

they are doing

something,

something that

is small

in the wall

they are

fidgeting.

small hands

working

scraping

something

over here

press your

ear...

they want

us out

they'd be 

gone by now

if they

knew

how...

Did I mention that I miss you? How bout I love you? Well, I do. miss you and love you. Did I ever get you to listen to Big Dumb Face? I hope I did. It's so stupidly creepy silly lol

And for a totally random WTF ... Why do I have a track of whale sound lullabies? How odd. I do remember it now that I think about it. And, I thought it sounded beautiful. Still do.

And on that - I need to lie down. I'm getting dizzy and pukie feeling and my brain is telling my eyes that what they are seeing doesn't exist. If I sit here much longer, I can't be held responsible for the nonsense spewing forth.



I LOVE YOU KENNY!
come protect me in my sleep from bad dreams

~Uneeek!

work, love, hurt, La Mer...

Kennyboy <3

I had an ok day. I'm hurting physically, our butterflies and stars helped some. My headaches are back. I want to stab my temples with ice picks and poke at the stupid little midgets with sledgehammers inside my skull... 

I didn't sleep well, but that's nothing new in my life. But today, it was due to the cats deciding to invade my bedroom and torment Taboo by hiding under the bed. His fat block head can barely fit under there :D His whining and their growling... all he wants to do is sniff their butts and ears! After that, he'd leave them alone, but noooooooo... they have to be CATS and freak out, which makes Taboo think they want to play chase the cats around the house...

< Johnny Cash / American IV: The Man Comes Around / HURT >

...I hurt myself today,
To see if I still feel,
I focus on the pain,
The only thing that's real...

Love this version of Hurt... Love Nine Inch Nails' original one but ol' Mr Cash did a wonderful job on this. You also know what this song means to me and why it shows up in my playlist so often. We had that discussion many nights... We had the same problem... It was another of our many connections tying us together.

I thought about you a lot today. I tried to not be sad. I managed to not cry other than a couple tears here and there. Mostly when I was still in bed and not fully awake, wishing I could roll over, open my eyes and see you there and have you pull me closer to squish up against you instead of the pillows (and Taboo, while I love the furface, he's not what I wanted this morning). Something I've never had with you, but wanted so much - physical togetherness (not sex, though that would have been a nice bonus)...Cuddling, hugging, holding hands... That's what makes me cry the most I think. Thinking about things we'll never have a chance to experience together in this life. 

Stop saying I have a boyfriend. I know I do. and I love you both in separate parts of my heart and for completely different reasons. He just doesn't ... do the cuddly lovie side of things I know you'd do. If it's not a ps3 controller or keypad.... :/ :\  Topic for another night.

You best be waiting out there for me to join you, Mr. Perfect Patient One... You said I was the last one for you and there would be no one else ever. I believed that. I just didn't get there fast enough to have it ;/

< Nine Inch Nails / The Fragile / La Mer >

(english translation)

And when the day arrives 
I'll become the sky 
And I'll become the sea 

And the sea will come to kiss me 
For I am going 
Home 

Nothing can stop me now

My weekend is over. 2 days is just not long enough away from that place. It's been so slow there. I miss getting your texts all shift long to entertain me. I miss calling you at night while I cleaned up my line before I left for home. I know you loved those surprise calls from me at night. Our bonus calls :) I'd hear the happy tears in your voice each time.

The new owners of the casino take over in a couple weeks so everyone management wise has been stressed out and walking on eggshells and being extra asshole-ish towards everyone beneath them. 

I finished filling out my new health/dental/vision benefits paperwork. I'm hoping that since I've had continuous coverage for 5 years that none of my health issues are deemed pre-existing and that everything goes smoothly. I get a non-smoker discount with this new insurance (yay). It's been 12 years since I last smoked if you don't count a single puff I had 5 years ago after I had a total freak out screaming breakdown in front of everyone here... This insurance is set up different than what we had, so now we have to do more pre-authorizing calls before tests and labwork and such. THAT IS GOING TO BE A PAIN IN MY ASS :) You know how many labs and tests I have done every month LOL 

< No Strings / The Princess and the Suits / Stigmata >

Some things are better, some not so much. Everything is more money with these new people.  I can only imagine what Obamacare is going to do...

I had to update my life insurance, also. The old owners included it in our freebies, but with the new ones, nothing free. You aren't a beneficiary anymore :( Yes, I had put you on my old one as well as my sister. I know you didn't need or want the money, but you could have donated it to a lupus charity or rare disease treatment place or bought a kidney on the black market or given the money to a homeless person, or bought everything in my art and photography store lol.

Plus side - I have a 401k again. That's where my microscopic raise is going. Old owners terminated our 401k plans 2 years ago... 

< London After Midnight / Psycho Magnet / Carry on... Screaming (ruins) >

I wasn't going to bother with any of this stuff since I wasn't planning on being here for it, but... I kinda needed to deal with this stuff before the deadline, as it looks like I'll be staying here for the time being instead of moving with you. *sigh*

All this paperwork gives me a headache. Too much boring fine line reading and initialing and signing and dating. Then, I have to go to all the websites and set up registrations to speed things along... GAH.

I need to attempt sleep soon... The doctor won't give me anymore sleeping pill refills because I've gotten too many consecutive refills this year. I have a couple pills left I'm saving for emergencies... Not sure how I'll ever sleep without them. Guess I'll just sorta lay there and stare at the wall. You're welcome to join me in the wall staring contest!

Love you Kenny.