love you miss you need you

Dear My Kenny <3

Having a strange night... I really miss you but I'm ok. Seriously wantneedy for things I won't have tonight, or ever the way things go with bf. You know how I am... even though I push people out of my personal space more often than not, sometimes I need do a hug or a cuddle on the sofa or my hands held for hours.

I guess I'm getting used to you not being here. I still keep expecting/wishing for you to call me, or send a text, or even just show up - saying you were horribly sick and no one could get in touch with me...  I know it won't happen, but I can still wish for it on your star...  It's clear and silvery tonight here in the dark, by the way. If I look at it at an angle, I can see flecks of different blue and green shades in it - like glitter. I think I choose the cut and crystal style well - it suits you. It goes super well with my purple butterfly.

I started out with a Pink Floyd/A Momentary Lapse of Reason playlist tonight, and now it's all random again. I didn't even notice my queue had played out an hour ago. I was drawing a little... trying to get back into the habit and routine. I need to make some more art and graphic designs to sell in my online shop.

I still have random tears. They don't last long if I let them fall, but if I try to hold them back they'll last all day. I have to hold them back at work, I have no choice really. I just wait til I get home and write to you before letting them fall fully.

< 3 Doors Down / Away From the Sun / I Feel You >

...They gave me a life that's not so easy to live

And then they sent me on my way

I left my love, forgot my dreams

I lost them along the way

Those little things you say

When words mean so much

You never back down

And they all shy away

You always listen to me...

I haven't lost anymore weight this week, I'm still at -18#... I'm trying to eat more. I'm already malnourished enough with all my vitamin deficiencies. Food just doesn't interest me right now. Nothing tastes good. The smell of some things still makes me want to throw up. I haven't had the energy, or lack of pain, to do any of my exercise beyond some stretching and playing with Taboo. Work just takes it all out of me. It's all I can do just to make it through my shifts right now.

I think I go back to the regular doctor in a couple weeks, but I'm not positive. He's the one that does all my regular yearly blud labs and likes to tell me I'm obese LOL He's also the one that wants me to be a stick figure at 120# (or less... ) At least he'll be 'okay' with my being at 170#. It's less than I was last time I saw him. My work pants are baggy now ;) And - I can button the bottom buttons of my chef jacket and have room inside it for my t-shirt!

The veins in my hands and arms stick out now sometimes - is that a good thing? They used to look all sunken in and almost black under my skin... Now they are bright blue. I can really see the blue colour in my shoulder and upper chest area. I can't get a good picture of them or I'd show you.

I declined going to a culinary competition this year - one of the guys is going to do it this time... I didn't think I could handle the stress of all that right now since I haven't been feeling all that great. They'll be others I will do. I still need my gold for desserts to complete my collection of medals for the ACF! I kinda wanted to do this one (wild game) but it's not an area I'm comfortable 'showing off' in, yet. I know you'd tell me I'd do fine and you have confidence in me and I'd say Yeah right... and I'd go do it and be fine whether I placed or not. But, I don't think you'd push me to do it if I wasn't feeling well enough. You'd want me to rest up for the next one :)

I need to attempt a nap before I go to work :( I'm not really sleepy, but I know I need to rest.

I love you Kenny <3