blackened chicken fish, hurty, love

My lovie <3

I survived working saute... You knew I would. You always knew I could do things even when I didn't believe I could. I do HURT though. My goodness. It was busy and those cast iron skillets are heavy. My shoulders and wrists are screaming at me :( My hands hurt so bad, I can't twist open my water bottle cap. I don't shine on saute (yet) but I am working on it - I shine at making wickedly fattening desserts lol

Sunday is my Friday... I can't wait for work to be over. It's been a rough week for me.

Our customers this week... I had a lady send back her blackened redfish tonight. She insisted I served her blackened chicken... REALLY? I cleaned the fish myself - I promise it wasn't chicken LOL  I think she tasted it and decided she didn't like fish or our in-house made blackening spice. The others at her table that had the same dish (from the same fish, even!) had no problems with it.

Li'l Miss Sophia is getting so big! I get pictures and videos almost every day. She giggles now and she loves peas and bananas. Her eyes are still really dark - but changing from blue to green like mine, and her hair is strawberry blonde. She looks like my sister - especially in her eye shape and her nose. I want to compare pictures of my sister at that age to Sophia. I'm glad she takes after my sister and not her daddy.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love you? If not, I love you!

I have to lie down. Hurty. Come visit with me.

<3 Me

snoring dog, big grey cats, butterscotch

Dear Kenny <3

It's late...  - 4 am. Taboo is on the sofa, snoring and paw and tail twitching like dogs do. Sometimes, he sighs. He's on his back, and so deeply in sleep that his mouth is hanging open with the tip of his tongue sticking out and his pitbull/lab floppy lips are flopped open LOL. I'd take a picture, but I think my moving would wake him up - then he'd want to play...

I'm exhausted but sleep is being elusive ? tonight. I took a sleepy making pill and a pain pill but, I'm still hurty. Physically and mentally. I'm getting that sickly pale face with the black circled, red rimmed eyes look again from the combination of pain and insomnia... The look you found beautiful on me LOL Silly boy <3. I miss saying that to you.

I know when I fall asleep in a bit, I'll dream... I'm tired of dreaming nightmares. I always had nightmares as a little kid. No monsters in the closet or under the bed for me. The monsters were (and still are) in my HEAD. BF doesn't understand my nightmares. I don't usually turn to him for comfort for them either.

Last night I dreamed of grey jaguars mixed with lynx and being attacked by one as I was working in an office filled with idiots. I woke up with my arm bloody where I guess I had clawed at it in my sleep?

I watched Girl, Interrupted again tonight. I read the book years ago... I can always relate to crazy people and the loony bin ;)

I have to work saute/fish/sauce Saturday night :( NOT looking forward to it. It's just not where I want to work at on a Saturday night - and on a give-away night at the casino. Not when I'm having a pain flare up. It's not something I can explain to the head chef though... I have some buffet flunkie working my salad/cold  station and desserts. I already know everything is going to go out looking like garbage - it always does when this kid fills in. The busier the night gets, the worse he sends my dessert plates out looking. He doesn't want to work with us on busy nights because he can't wander and whines the whole time about it being busy and how he is "doing us a favour". On slow nights, he loves coming to 'help' cuz he can disappear and FB and tweet and text on his phone all night. So aggravating.

This week's dessert best seller at work? Butterscotch creme brulee. I always call it my old person flavour ;) Young people now have no idea what flavour real butterscotch is (or real caramel for that matter - they are all used to artificial ones!). I make my own butterscotch syrup for it - nothing fake in my desserts if I can help it. Besides, it's cheaper to make my own since I only make a small amount of my specials each week. I usually run each creme brulee flavour for 2 weeks straight just because I use any leftover uncooked base to make ice creams or cake fillings, but the rest of my dessert specials are just a weekend each. We're closed 2 days a week, so I try not to have too much extra hanging out by Sunday night.

I need to lie down with a heating pad on my joints and an ice pack on my head. Maybe the buzzing in my skull will go silent.

Love you Kenny. Please come lie down with me for a bit.

butterflies, triggering dreams, painsomnia

Silly Kennyboy <3

I can't sleep - I forgot my crazy meds... Dunno how, I rarely forget to take any of my pills unless I finally crash out and sleep for 2-3 days straight... 

Random shuffle tonight while I occupy my wide awake self at 3 am...

< RUN D.M.C. / Greatest Hits / It's Like That >

The dreams started again last night... THOSE dreams that aren't really true dreams, but memories that come back in my dreams *draws arrows to middle of next paragraph*. The ones when I'd call or text you and be crying and scared, rambling on incoherently about the dark and blood and pain and the butterflies, waking you up in the middle of the night, and confusing you greatly until you understood I wasn't really me, and I wasn't really even awake...  Do you remember talking me through those dream nights? You asked me simple questions and didn't push me to explain - eventually you pieced things together and cried with me and talked me back to sleep. I loved you then, but I couldn't tell you then.

< Dream Theater / Awake / Lifting Shadows Off A Dream >

That song right there? - it makes me think of you... Go - Listen to it, you'll figure out why. Too bad we didn't meet when it first came out - 1993-1995 was the start of the next stage of really fucked up life experiences for me. Got married the first time, turned into a human punching bag within months of putting the ring on my finger, almost died getting out of that one. The last few months in that house, I had my chest and back cut up and burned with cigarettes, was raped, got hit with a chair leg and a baseball bat, was handcuffed to a bar in the closet with a locked door, so I couldn't leave, and the last night there - I was held against the wall with a loaded gun in my mouth and the phone cord wrapped around my neck with 911 asking what was my emergency. Lots of time spend in the hospital after that one, all broken up - fractured collar bone, concussion, broken wrist, broken fingers, 4 cracked ribs and a dislocated shoulder. Broken mind. More than once, I wished he would just kill me, or that  *I* could kill me, and be done with it all. 

Best part though? Getting blamed for it by people I trusted and loved. I really enjoyed being told that everything was all my fault and I should have been a better wife and did what my husband wanted...

All of you know who you are and Karma's a bitch :) 

Butterflies in my head saved me then, Kenny... The more things hurt, the more butterflies I saw until I couldn't feel anything happening to my body. Pain on the wings of the butterflies, up and away from me. Even in the dark, I could see them - all glittering and sparkly. 

See? The butterflies... Butterflies when I was little, butterflies then, butterflies now.

< VAST / Turquoise & Crimson / Beautiful >

The walls went up quickly after that. I quit speaking to everyone then - literally. I didn't speak for at least a year that I can remember. Quit working. Quit being human. I drank a lot and did many, many, many drugs to forget it all. I lived in parks and shelters and bus stations after I got out of the hospital and the wonderful crazy ward. I walked and rode the buses a lot. I changed cities and states like a butterfly getting pushed around by the wind. I know I saw 7 or 8 states in a few months time. Ohio, Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia, North Carolina, Georgia, Alabama... I wasn't really lost... I just fluttered around.

The first half of my water drinking tonight at work - 50 oz.... with lime!

< Silvertide / Show and Tell / You Want It All >

We were alike in so many strange, little ways too :)

Kristina told me about your lining up of diet cokes at work... I've always done it that - with endless bottles of water now instead of diet coke cans (since I'm not supposed to drink soda of any type anymore :( ) Oh, we also crush our empty cans the same way, too LOL Everyone is used to my bottle line up and crushed ice packed quart cup every shift - the only thing that changes is the fruit. Sometimes citrus, sometimes frozen berries or green apple slices. Water is SO VERY BORING! I miss my diet cokes :( Doctor said NO MORE sodas until my liver and kidney function tests are done again. *cries* Shhhhhh I still sneak one every now and then...

You'd think drinking up to 100 oz of water each shift would make me peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (each bottle is 10 oz). Nope. No peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hardly at all. Either I am super dehydrated, or my diuretic isn't working for me. I so rarely ever have to pee at work. I doubt that means anything GOOD for me these days. I miss sending you my OMG GGP! texts for those rare gotta go PEEEEEEEEEE times LOL

< Motley Crue / Greatest Hits / Primal Scream >

I'm going to attempt a nap now. I have to leave for work in a few hours. I'll whisper to your star for a few more minutes as I lie in the dark and wish for you to join me for a little while.

I love you and miss you.

voices

Kennylove <3

I wish I could talk to you on the phone. I called it last night, again... you didn't answer. It didn't even do your This is Kenny! voicemail message :( I guess it finally got shut off... Now I don't get to hear your voice unless I listen to the videos, voicemails and voxer messages on my phone - I'm so afraid they are going to go POOF on me one day and I'll never hear you again :(  You don't know how much those mean to me, how often listening to you got me through a bad night or a shitacular day. I wish we would have gotten around to reading books to each other so I'd be able to listen to you for hours with my headphones at work and at home when I am unable to sleep at night...

It was the neverending night at work... It was busy, but time was going backwards. I really didn't want to be there at all. Gwen was driving me absolutely crazy - from her weird inflection on words - OY-stchures (oysters), praf-O-ated (perforated) - those both grate on my last nerve LOL to her not listening to what the rest of us more experienced chef type people tell her. She's old and this is her first cooking job ever. I've been in restaurants non stop for nearly 30 years... Don't boil butter sauces, salt squashes before steaming so the excess liquid is drawn out and it doesn't go mushy on the line or leak out on plates, don't freak out over things going wrong in the rush (she literally starts twirling around because she's so flustered and I have to kick her off the line and take her place... ) - sauces break, tickets get read wrong, servers forget things, customers change their minds - it happens! Throw it out or fix it. It takes longer to complain than it does to remake... I've never worked with anyone so unsuited to kitchen life before... She makes me need an extra Xanax and a drink some nights :D

Our squash boxes were sad in the cooler all by their lonesome.

I'm starting to hurt really bad again in my hip joints and lower back. I'm going to try to lie down and sleep. Maybe I can pass out before the pain keeps me awake. You're free to join me.

I love you!

love you miss you need you

Dear My Kenny <3

Having a strange night... I really miss you but I'm ok. Seriously wantneedy for things I won't have tonight, or ever the way things go with bf. You know how I am... even though I push people out of my personal space more often than not, sometimes I need do a hug or a cuddle on the sofa or my hands held for hours.

I guess I'm getting used to you not being here. I still keep expecting/wishing for you to call me, or send a text, or even just show up - saying you were horribly sick and no one could get in touch with me...  I know it won't happen, but I can still wish for it on your star...  It's clear and silvery tonight here in the dark, by the way. If I look at it at an angle, I can see flecks of different blue and green shades in it - like glitter. I think I choose the cut and crystal style well - it suits you. It goes super well with my purple butterfly.

I started out with a Pink Floyd/A Momentary Lapse of Reason playlist tonight, and now it's all random again. I didn't even notice my queue had played out an hour ago. I was drawing a little... trying to get back into the habit and routine. I need to make some more art and graphic designs to sell in my online shop.

I still have random tears. They don't last long if I let them fall, but if I try to hold them back they'll last all day. I have to hold them back at work, I have no choice really. I just wait til I get home and write to you before letting them fall fully.

< 3 Doors Down / Away From the Sun / I Feel You >

...They gave me a life that's not so easy to live

And then they sent me on my way

I left my love, forgot my dreams

I lost them along the way

Those little things you say

When words mean so much

You never back down

And they all shy away

You always listen to me...

I haven't lost anymore weight this week, I'm still at -18#... I'm trying to eat more. I'm already malnourished enough with all my vitamin deficiencies. Food just doesn't interest me right now. Nothing tastes good. The smell of some things still makes me want to throw up. I haven't had the energy, or lack of pain, to do any of my exercise beyond some stretching and playing with Taboo. Work just takes it all out of me. It's all I can do just to make it through my shifts right now.

I think I go back to the regular doctor in a couple weeks, but I'm not positive. He's the one that does all my regular yearly blud labs and likes to tell me I'm obese LOL He's also the one that wants me to be a stick figure at 120# (or less... ) At least he'll be 'okay' with my being at 170#. It's less than I was last time I saw him. My work pants are baggy now ;) And - I can button the bottom buttons of my chef jacket and have room inside it for my t-shirt!

The veins in my hands and arms stick out now sometimes - is that a good thing? They used to look all sunken in and almost black under my skin... Now they are bright blue. I can really see the blue colour in my shoulder and upper chest area. I can't get a good picture of them or I'd show you.

I declined going to a culinary competition this year - one of the guys is going to do it this time... I didn't think I could handle the stress of all that right now since I haven't been feeling all that great. They'll be others I will do. I still need my gold for desserts to complete my collection of medals for the ACF! I kinda wanted to do this one (wild game) but it's not an area I'm comfortable 'showing off' in, yet. I know you'd tell me I'd do fine and you have confidence in me and I'd say Yeah right... and I'd go do it and be fine whether I placed or not. But, I don't think you'd push me to do it if I wasn't feeling well enough. You'd want me to rest up for the next one :)

I need to attempt a nap before I go to work :( I'm not really sleepy, but I know I need to rest.

I love you Kenny <3

crazy dream

My kennyboy <3

I couldn't write last night - I was too tired and couldn't form words... I needed to take an extra pain pill because my hip joints and spine hurt so much :(

I miss talking to you. I didnt think it mattered so much to my mental state but it did... I can tell now. The difference it makes having someone to be completely open and honest with without having to hide things or cover up or sugarcoat. Its exhausting to have to tame and tailor my words to others that would get offended, hurt or disgusted by my true thoughts spoken aloud :)

I had a crazy dream last night about walking poisonous vine plants. They lived in my curtains... that's what I get for taking a painpill while looking at pictures of pretty plants in the poison gardens while lying in bed waiting for sleep.

Bf is sick. He's been coughing for 2 days. Yet he won't quit smoking. Ill have to find a sleeping pill tonight or I won't sleep at all with him coughing all night. Hoping I don't catch it. I usually don't get boring things like colds or the flu. If I'm going to waste my time being sick - I get something extra fun like pneumonia or meningitis! Needless to say, he stayed home from work today so germs are everywhere.

For the first time in a month I guess.... I feel hungry. And there's nothing here to eat. I havent bought groceries all month. Helen's been busy and hasn't dropped off any thing either.  Well there is stuff to eat but it involves more work than I have energy to do at the moment. I have to run errands in a bit so any energy I have is going to that right now.

I love you Kenny. Ill write again tonight.

Need hugs

Kenny lovie <3

I so could use a hug tonight. And cuddles and  snuggles in bed or in the big chair under a blanket. Instead I'm lying here with taboo and curled up on my pillow.

Bf and his friend are playing a new video game in the other room.  I'm tired and hurty and just want to sleep but I don't feel sleep coming even with the pills I took. I need a warm body to squish up on and heartbeats and arms around me and a hand stroking my hair or something... but I'm not a ps3 controller so no such things for me.

Its sad my bf barely hugs me or kisses me - or speaks to me, to be completely honest. More like roommates :/ I know you and I have  talked about this situation many nights. Its bugging me tonight.  You'd tell me to come live with you and id never be without any of those basic simple things again. I couldn't then. You know why.

I left my second husband after things stayed like like this for years. We'd sometimes go days without speaking or seeing each other.  I had other reasons for leaving  also - like his total lack of hygiene, inability to hang onto money  and his mental issues: lack of trust and severe paranoia. I couldn't handle those anymore. The night he punched the two 40g fishtanks and I had lizards and frogs and fish and water everywhere... I gave him the choice to get mental help or I'd leave.

At least bf showers and brushes his teeth and uses deodorant daily. He also doesn't assume  I'm cheating on him anytime I leave the house to run errands. Ex#2 used to have me call from a landline every hour so it would show up on the caller id...  bf does like to spend money though.

Why do I always get in these stupid relationships? Its like I am a dumbass magnet or something.

Sometimes I wonder... if id just be better off living by myself. I do kinda prefer being alone.  Maybe I need a gf again and to take another break from boys. Lol

I'm going to clean the kitchen up now... even though I haven't been the one here to make it a wreck. It won't get done though if I don't do it. Its like I'm the only one that sees the pile of dishes and overflowing trash cans. Maybe i'll be able to sleep. Maybe I'll end up wondering what it would be like to have help. Maybe I'll just stand at the sink and imagine you're there behind me, giving me a hug while I wash dishes.

Night Kenny <3

rest with me

Dear Kennyboy <3

I miss my stay up all night and text while in painsomnia buddy... :/  Everyone I know sleeps at night... except for me! I do need to attempt some form of lying down soon though. Got a busy day at work in a few hours. I had to make myself a prep list so I wouldn't forget what I needed to do, besides a ton of baking.

My night fevers are back again. When I do manage sleep, I wake up dripping with sweat. Not the most comfortable feeling. Makes me feel gross, especially if my hair or pillow are wet :(

First song that popped up in my playlist tonight, and it's so me...

< Savage Garden / Savage Garden / To the Moon & Back >

She's taking her time making up the reasons 

To justify all the hurt inside 

Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes 

Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one 

They're saying "Mamma never loved her much" 

And,"Daddy never keeps in touch 

That's why she shies away from human affection" 

But somewhere in a private place 

She packs her bags for outer space 

And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come 

And she'll say to him 

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be my baby 

Got a ticket for a world where we belong 

So would you be my baby? 

She can't remember a time when she felt needed 

If love was red then she was color blind 

All her friends they've been tried for treason 

And crimes that were never defined 

She's saying"Love is like a barren place 

And reaching out for human faith is like a journey 

I just don't have a map for" 

So baby's gonna take a dive and 

Push the shift to overdrive 

Send a signal that she's hanging 

All her hopes on the stars 

What a pleasant dream 

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be my baby 

Got a ticket for a world where we belong

I'm ok. I still find myself staring off into space a lot and wondering What If's and Why's and Wishing. The more I think, the more I cry and miss you. At some point, I'm going to have to move on, let go and just hold onto our happy stuff. I don't know when that will be. I'm afraid to listen to my voicemails and voxer messages from you in case I accidentally delete them. I'm afraid I'll forget your voice.

Its so rare for me to get so close to people quickly, like I did with you. It usually takes me years to feel that comfortable. I still can't stand my boyfriend's friends and family giving me hugs or touching me or getting in my personal little space and I've known them all for years now. I've never been one of those touchy feely people. I cringe when I'm around certain people cuz I know they will attempt to hug me or meeting new people that want to shake my hand or something. ICK! I can get out of the hand shaking by using my arthritis pain excuse... It's harder to dodge a hug gracefully without seeming like a bitch.

I've been having very weird, random and crazybad dreams lately. I can't even put them into words without sounding insane. I can remember every detail of them, from beginning to end. I've been sleepwalking again - I know that worried you a lot. I know it's because I'm very sleep deprived and stressed out right now. One of my med's has nightmares as a side effect... like I needed any help in THAT department and I know the ambien has the amnesia issue so I don't really know what I'm doing in my sleepwalker wanders... I do know Taboo gets up with me and stays in whatever room I end up in - I usually wake up with him sleeping on my legs.

I can feel and hear the ringing in my ears, inside my skull. I wish it would stop. Even my music isn't drowning it out tonight. Tuning it out is giving me a headache at the base of my head. It's been going on a few days now.

I'm going to lie here and close my eyes for a bit. you're welcome to come join me, I'd like the company.

Love you Kennyboy <3

Can't sleep :/

Dear my kenny <3

I miss you. I have no one to talk to anymore.

Having one of those days. The main system drive on my komputer box decided to fail so I spent the last few hours getting my backup drive updated and xferring files around until I get another harddrive to stick win7 on. *sigh* just how I wanted to spend my evening.

The bank called me today to let me know they froze my account due to suspicious activity. I have to go to the bank now and get a new card reissued and unfreeze my account. I don't have time for this crap. At least no money went poof and all my bills are paid for the next week.

I haven't heard anything from the Dr on the uterine biopsy and tests she did a couple weeks ago. No news = good news? The grey tissue Blobby thing seriously freaked me out last year and I'm afraid its going to happen again. Wish the Dr would have just done the hysterectomy when I asked for it when I was 18....

Neighbours being loud outside.

Taboo is squishing me and being a furry furnace. Its been too cool outside at night for the AC to kick on but too humid for the windows to be open. The house is stuffy. I can't sleep but need to try soon.

Long day tomorrow at work and I'm not feeling well at all. My lower back hurts and I can't peeeeeeeeeee hardly a drop.  I still feel like throwing up all the time and I've been really dizzy when I need to stand all night at work. *sigh* this is all becoming my new normal.  Feeling like shit all the time. Sleeping doesn't even give me a break from it.

You'd be proud of me... I haven't had a drink in 3 weeks... major effort for me. I know you hated it when I would drink and get all angry at the world. I'm sorry :(

I love you.

Sleepy uneeek one

Kennyboylove

Crashing soon. Sleepypill working. Just wanted to say I was fine and I love you and miss you.

Sleepy meeee

*warning red bluds inside*, cats, stars n butterflies

Sillyboy <3

I'm ok... Feeling sad and missing you, but I'll be fine. I have these:

Butterfly and Star

They'll get me through this. Your star is blue and green tonight in the dark. I couldn't get a picture of it without a flash and that just wasn't going to work...

<Evanescence / Fallen / Hello>

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm I'm still here 
All that's left of yesterday

I love Amy Lee's voice... and her eyes... and this song. It's fitting for me tonight.

I cut my finger open today at work getting a knife out of my chef bag. Just a small nick, really, but my goodness, did it bleed. 2 hours straight! I went through 5 paper towels and I'm not sure how much went down the sink while I was washing the cut out...

This is paper towel #5. I put the rest in the biohazard box in the locker room. 

My first thought? Oh, Kenny would LOVE this. 2 hours of drippy bluds. I imagined you spending the whole time just licksucking the bluds off the tip of my finger. Or rubbing it on my lips and having you  kissing it off them. Yup, I am blud loving crazy person, too.

But, since I was at work, I kinda had to make a tourniquet with paper towels and masking tape until it stopped enough to keep a bandaid on. Not sure if I should tell my doctor of this or not LOL It's only a 2mm long cut and only a bit deeper than a papercut but the non stop bleeding was a bit odd. I thought it had stopped after a few minutes, but as soon as I unwrapped it the first time, bluds squirted out over the sink. Gwen freaked ;) She hates bluds.

Of course, my arm hurts now like it does when I have my hour long blud sucking treatments with the vampires. Maybe I lost a bit more than I think... At least it's not orange anymore... I'm covering it with xeroform gauze tonight, and tomorrow at work I'll put my MRSA topical stuff on it with a waterproof bandage, just in case. I think it bled enough to prevent anything sticking around inside it, but... staph is going around work again. Yeah. 

One of the casino bartenders just died from staph in his blood and infecting his brain :( He was only 30. Here one day, gone the next. :( So much death around me again. Bf's dad, you, a bartender and a maintenance guy - both from work, Gwen's sister - just this year, of people I knew. 

<Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross / TGWTDT / Another Way of Caring>

I know I shouldn't, but I want to watch The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo again. Alone, so if I cry, no one will stare at me. I'm prepared for my personal trigger scenes and will FF through them if I feel like I need to, since I don't have you to talk to about them anymore... They were like reliving that crap all over again and I didn't know they were included in the movie since I didn't read the book first and I refused to look at any trailers or reviews online about the movie :( I know you hated hearing about that happening to me - I heard you crying, even though it was way forever in the past. You are only the second person I've shared all the details with and the only one who understood the joyous fun of being sent to the looney bin after. 

I'm fine, really. Not lying. I'm not even crying. Ok, I was crying a little earlier but I was reading old texts from you. I'm afraid to delete them. What if I forget things?? 

<House of Krazees / Season of the Pumpkin / Season of the Pumpin>

The cats are being weird... 

Callie has decided to live in my backpack -

and Booger likes the old computer chair next to the dog food bowls - 

Both torment Taboo - even when he isn't near them! They growl from the hallway while he's at the other side of the house if they see him. They'll paw his nose or paws when he's sleeping on the sofa. They hiss and yowl for no reason if a human is around to hear it. They sneak into my closet or under my bed and growl at Taboo while he's sleeping on the bed. He barely goes near them - and avoids eye contact with them whenever possible. I can't keep their door closed anymore because they now bodyslam it endlessly or paw underneath it until it gets so annoying I open the door... It's hard for me to sleep as it is - that racket is GAH!! It sounds like an exorcism going on in there!!! How did I get stuck with these two monsters?? I hate cats. Why do *I* have to take care of bf's mom's cats??? Booger clawed the shit out of my arm last night when I was shooing her off the counter tops and Callie insists I'm her new best friend when I'm brushing my teeth...

<Big Dumb Face / Duke Lion Fights the Terror!! / Voices in the Wall>

chatterboxing

numbers talking

silent, softer

somehow smarter

voices in the wall

they are far

they are talking something

something that is small

very tiny

speaking silently

they are working

hard

making, bumping

they are doing

something,

something that

is small

in the wall

they are

fidgeting.

small hands

working

scraping

something

over here

press your

ear...

they want

us out

they'd be 

gone by now

if they

knew

how...

Did I mention that I miss you? How bout I love you? Well, I do. miss you and love you. Did I ever get you to listen to Big Dumb Face? I hope I did. It's so stupidly creepy silly lol

And for a totally random WTF ... Why do I have a track of whale sound lullabies? How odd. I do remember it now that I think about it. And, I thought it sounded beautiful. Still do.

And on that - I need to lie down. I'm getting dizzy and pukie feeling and my brain is telling my eyes that what they are seeing doesn't exist. If I sit here much longer, I can't be held responsible for the nonsense spewing forth.



I LOVE YOU KENNY!
come protect me in my sleep from bad dreams

~Uneeek!

work, love, hurt, La Mer...

Kennyboy <3

I had an ok day. I'm hurting physically, our butterflies and stars helped some. My headaches are back. I want to stab my temples with ice picks and poke at the stupid little midgets with sledgehammers inside my skull... 

I didn't sleep well, but that's nothing new in my life. But today, it was due to the cats deciding to invade my bedroom and torment Taboo by hiding under the bed. His fat block head can barely fit under there :D His whining and their growling... all he wants to do is sniff their butts and ears! After that, he'd leave them alone, but noooooooo... they have to be CATS and freak out, which makes Taboo think they want to play chase the cats around the house...

< Johnny Cash / American IV: The Man Comes Around / HURT >

...I hurt myself today,
To see if I still feel,
I focus on the pain,
The only thing that's real...

Love this version of Hurt... Love Nine Inch Nails' original one but ol' Mr Cash did a wonderful job on this. You also know what this song means to me and why it shows up in my playlist so often. We had that discussion many nights... We had the same problem... It was another of our many connections tying us together.

I thought about you a lot today. I tried to not be sad. I managed to not cry other than a couple tears here and there. Mostly when I was still in bed and not fully awake, wishing I could roll over, open my eyes and see you there and have you pull me closer to squish up against you instead of the pillows (and Taboo, while I love the furface, he's not what I wanted this morning). Something I've never had with you, but wanted so much - physical togetherness (not sex, though that would have been a nice bonus)...Cuddling, hugging, holding hands... That's what makes me cry the most I think. Thinking about things we'll never have a chance to experience together in this life. 

Stop saying I have a boyfriend. I know I do. and I love you both in separate parts of my heart and for completely different reasons. He just doesn't ... do the cuddly lovie side of things I know you'd do. If it's not a ps3 controller or keypad.... :/ :\  Topic for another night.

You best be waiting out there for me to join you, Mr. Perfect Patient One... You said I was the last one for you and there would be no one else ever. I believed that. I just didn't get there fast enough to have it ;/

< Nine Inch Nails / The Fragile / La Mer >

(english translation)

And when the day arrives 
I'll become the sky 
And I'll become the sea 

And the sea will come to kiss me 
For I am going 
Home 

Nothing can stop me now

My weekend is over. 2 days is just not long enough away from that place. It's been so slow there. I miss getting your texts all shift long to entertain me. I miss calling you at night while I cleaned up my line before I left for home. I know you loved those surprise calls from me at night. Our bonus calls :) I'd hear the happy tears in your voice each time.

The new owners of the casino take over in a couple weeks so everyone management wise has been stressed out and walking on eggshells and being extra asshole-ish towards everyone beneath them. 

I finished filling out my new health/dental/vision benefits paperwork. I'm hoping that since I've had continuous coverage for 5 years that none of my health issues are deemed pre-existing and that everything goes smoothly. I get a non-smoker discount with this new insurance (yay). It's been 12 years since I last smoked if you don't count a single puff I had 5 years ago after I had a total freak out screaming breakdown in front of everyone here... This insurance is set up different than what we had, so now we have to do more pre-authorizing calls before tests and labwork and such. THAT IS GOING TO BE A PAIN IN MY ASS :) You know how many labs and tests I have done every month LOL 

< No Strings / The Princess and the Suits / Stigmata >

Some things are better, some not so much. Everything is more money with these new people.  I can only imagine what Obamacare is going to do...

I had to update my life insurance, also. The old owners included it in our freebies, but with the new ones, nothing free. You aren't a beneficiary anymore :( Yes, I had put you on my old one as well as my sister. I know you didn't need or want the money, but you could have donated it to a lupus charity or rare disease treatment place or bought a kidney on the black market or given the money to a homeless person, or bought everything in my art and photography store lol.

Plus side - I have a 401k again. That's where my microscopic raise is going. Old owners terminated our 401k plans 2 years ago... 

< London After Midnight / Psycho Magnet / Carry on... Screaming (ruins) >

I wasn't going to bother with any of this stuff since I wasn't planning on being here for it, but... I kinda needed to deal with this stuff before the deadline, as it looks like I'll be staying here for the time being instead of moving with you. *sigh*

All this paperwork gives me a headache. Too much boring fine line reading and initialing and signing and dating. Then, I have to go to all the websites and set up registrations to speed things along... GAH.

I need to attempt sleep soon... The doctor won't give me anymore sleeping pill refills because I've gotten too many consecutive refills this year. I have a couple pills left I'm saving for emergencies... Not sure how I'll ever sleep without them. Guess I'll just sorta lay there and stare at the wall. You're welcome to join me in the wall staring contest!

Love you Kenny.

walls, love, tears, chances

My Kenny <3

I had a reallllllllly bad night :( and day. and night again... I'm trying but I can't seem to get over your death. I cry a lot. I think too much about what had started to become and what will never be completed. You know me. I live inside my head. I've cried more this past 3 weeks than I have in the last 20 years. I can send my physical pain away on the wings of imaginary butterflies to the stars, but I can't manage the pain and hole left  in my heart. Go figure.

Everything lately, reminds me of you - something you said, or showed me. Even food makes me think of you - I see something and I think, "OH! I'd love to make this for Kenny!" or "I bet Kenny would love this!", then I remember you're gone and I'll never get to do that for you and I can't eat or even smell food, without being sick. Oh, it's great fun at work when I have to taste and smell food...

Movies we wanted to watch together... books... you said you were going to read to me or tell me stories every single night when I was there because I told you how much I loved the sound of your voice :(

I can't sleep, because I see your death in my nightmares right now. Why, I don't know. I guess it's still too fresh in my mind. I don't even know the details because no one really knows but those with you and I haven't spoken to them, but I keep seeing it anyhow. You know my dreams and how vivid they are. What I see in them, is probably what happened. I don't want to see it anymore. I tell myself you went peacefully and with a smile, but I don't really believe it. You've shown me otherwise already. Remember how many dreams we shared?

Love was just one of the reasons why I put up my walls. It is the only reason I will write about here, in my letters to you - you know why - my reasons made you cry the night I told you. If someone wants to know the others, they can ask but they should be prepared for some of the most unpleasant things life has to show. My walls were there for me - to stop caring for people, to stop loving and showing feelings for anyone. To just go through the motions to make people happy. To say the words but not honestly mean them. To hide behind a facade. To not show pain, or cry, or hurt.

You chipped away at those walls and managed to get inside the little crack that appeared. I tried so hard to not let that happen. You knew I didn't let many get that close to me, let alone let them inside my heart. This wasn't supposed to happen to me... not again. I didn't plan on this, on falling in love with you. You knew I had, even when I denied it. I bet you even knew the exact moment, during the silly nonsense conversation we were having that night while playing ww/f  - because you called me right then. You asked me to take a chance on you, to let you in and to not shut you out. You promised that you would show me a different kind of love than I have ever had if I gave you that one chance...

Now I sit here crying because I did just that and you did. Damnit Kenny!


We had a strange connection... like twins sometimes do. When you bruised your knee the night you fell, my leg hurt and bruised. When your cyborg leg got infected, my leg swelled up. Look at the year old burn scars on my right arm. They match your dialysis stabs on your right arm. When you had the chest perma-cath put in - I felt the pain while I was at work and showed you the bruise on my chest before you even told me they had done the surgery. 


I feel drained and fuzzy in my head :( My tears have stopped for now. My neighbours are waking up and making noise.. I need to go get some air... Take Taboo for a walk before it storms again.

I love you Kenny.

butterflies, stars, tears and you

My Kennyboy,

I miss talking to you so much, it hurts. I still want to be entirely selfish and have you back for my own needs and not share you with anyone else. I want you all to myself. To talk with. To hug. To cook with. To just hang out with at home. I need someone to hold my hand when I go for my tests. Someone to tell me everything will be okay and wipe away my tears. Someone that won't leave when I am too sick to do anything but stay in bed. Someone that understands me. 

Yes, I'm crying again. I'll look like hell later - all puffy eyed and sniffly when I wake up, if I ever go to sleep today. I already look like I haven't sleep in a month. The circles under my eyes are so bad... 

It's storming again. It was gorgeous all day long, but sometime around 1 am it started to rain, and now at 5 am, it's thundering and lightning and the rain is hitting the windows... I can't sleep. You know how the rain affects my head in ways I don't and won't explain to people not extremely close to me. 

Not only is my head fucked up tonight, my body is also. It hurts - fire ants and ground glass everywhere. Burning pain in my joints and muscles. I haven't found any pills to work for this type of pain yet. My butterflies and your stars can only do so much some nights :( I might have to add in a third image to send my pain away...  I now get painful tingling and weird numbness in my legs and arms, and sometimes in my back. 

Morphos Butterfly - Isn't it beautiful?

I've spent the last few hours looking at pretty photographs of butterflies - particularly Morphos butterflies. Their blue, aqua and purple metallic shine caught my eye. This one has some of the colours I want in our tattoo. I'd like to add in a darker royal purple, a deep sapphire blue and an emerald green for some of the other butterflies. Maybe a pink one for my sister with her name in it's wings.

Your stars!

Then I started looking at stars...  I can't see any out here tonight since it's storming. You better be out there, Kenny. You told me you would be. Patiently waiting for me to join you. Look at how cool it looks up there! Glittery and smoky and swirly. Always changing, yet always the same. We could jump from star to star, playing tag. I'm hoping I can find a tattooist that can capture your stars for me. I still want to see if I can get one to mix some of your ashes in the ink...  I wish I could have gotten some of your blood ;) but not to put in our tattoo. I just want to have a piece of you ;/ I know, I'm weird. Tell me you wouldn't ask for some of mine. You would, and you know it. Cuz we were strange like that.

I'm not liking my random playlist tonight. I've skipped more songs than I have listened to. 

I had my evaluation at work... I get a 3% raise this year - not really much at all but better than the 3 years I've gone without one since I got a massive raise when I transferred departments. Now they want me to learn the grill station. :( It's the last station I need to know before getting a Sous Chef title for the fine dining place. I already know I most likely can't physically do that station but I don't want to tell them that and you already know I'll try to work it anyhow, just to show off  LOL. Besides, I'd be the first girl  e v e r  to work it... I already proved I can do saute/fish, even though I hated every minute of it. I don't want to give them any other reason to get rid of me when the new owners take over next month. I'm already afraid I'm going to lose my insurance :( so, I'll suck up my pain and try beating the chef boys at their stupid little game.

Taboo is hinting that he wants to go to bed. He won't sleep in the bed until I go lay down with him. Instead, he's in here, watching me and occasionally he gets up, walks to the hall and looks back at me. If I don't get up, he comes back and lies down and sighs, He is such a momma's boy. and a spoiled brat. :)

Taboo!

He's making me feel guilty :( 

I love you :)

~The crybaby

Another day down...

Dear Kenny <3

I made it thru another day without you. :/ guess that's a good thing. One more day to go for work then I can start my 'weekend'. I'll probably sleep most of Monday. I've been hurting pretty badly this week so I'm not planning on doing much Monday or Tuesday.  My joints still feel like they are full of ground glass... my tongue has joined in on the fun an the sides are swollen and getting cankers all over my whole mouth...

I need to have someone to remind me to chill out and relax like you used to tell me. You don't.know how much I would love to come home to a clean house with wash dishes and folded laundry.... and a hot hot hot bath with bubbles and candles and flower petals floating in the water and scattered around the house for the night.

My thoughts are getting fuzzy from my.painpills + ambien.

Just remember I love you. You are beautiful Mr fraggle boy!


-uneeek

pain, butterflies, cookies

Dear Kennyboy

I'm hurty bad tonight... Every joint, every muscle, every bone hurts :( I took my pain pills, my anti-inflammatory and my sleeping pill, so I don't know if I will finish this tonight before everything hopefully kicks in and knocks me out. My knees are getting worse, especially the left one. It has the least amount of cartilage left and the doctor said I'm getting a bone spur in it to go with my shifty knee cap issue. YAY. The arthritis in my hands is making my fingers twist and get all crooked. They look nothing like the pictures I took a few months ago for you. I'm getting old lady hands :( My musician/artist/painter hands are slowly becoming entirely too ugly to be beautiful.

I finally peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed today. I drank even more water - added lemons to it. then taboo jumped on my belly while hopping around the bed... Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee   OF course, tonight it's  been pitiful small amounts, Maybe I am dehydrated that much??  My next labs include a eGFR/kidney function test so I'll have an idea. 2 months ago it was 74. Last year it was 80. I'm on more toxic pills now.and my body is more stressed with pain lately...

It's Pink Floyd night.... A Momentary Lapse of Reason. I had this on cassette at one point but it disappeared during one of my many nomadic moves across the country after I first left home. The days I would just pack up what I could carry in my backpack, sell or give away the rest and find a new place to call home... I never worried about money then - I didn't have a problem finding a job anywhere I went and I actually enjoyed living in tents at parks... I'm so odd. I wasn't afraid of anything then. That woulda been the mid-late 90's... Ever wonder about what might-ifs? Different life, different time, things coulda been completely d i f f e r e n t  for both of us.

Your star is green and golden tonight. I have it with my butterfly - resting on a black velvet covered foam block on my desk when I don't wear it. I can't sleep with it on, it gets tangled in my hair :( I sleep too violently to keep them beside the bed on the nightstand. I knock books off it every night, once the lamp. I don't want to lose 'us'.

Work was slow. I miss the busy nights. When it's slow, my body starts to hurt - because I can focus on it instead of my work... I start thinking about you and how you'd send me crazy, silly or pervy kenny texts to make my night go by with smiles and giggles. I miss those texts so much! Tonight I really could have used one of those distractions from you. I baked cookies for everyone instead - lemon/lime and orange/caramel butter cookies. I had some leftover sliced citrus fruit and zest from Tuesday to use up and I had a batch of orange caramel sugar 'glass' to waste before the humidity killed it totally. I didn't feel like making anything elaborate, so the cookies won out. Everyone got a treat, I got yelled at for making the girls on diets eat cookies - Hey, I didn't shovel the cookies into their mouths... If *I* can manage to not eat cookies or cakes or whatever else I bake while I'm on this stupid anti-imflammatory diet...  You'd have liked the lemon lime ones - tart like lemon or limeade, with a hint of sweet from the powered sugar and a smooth rich finish from the butter cookie dough... YUM. Not too sweet.

I still need to come up with something on the fly tomorrow for the Director's dinner and one for the new owners dinner next week... UGH Need to research flavour trends again. I guessed right with salted caramel earlier this year. I vaguely recall something with mexican hints with dark chocolate coffee cinnamon caramel flavours. I have a cone of Mexican brown sugar infused with cinnamon and 2 new bottles of Mexican Vanilla.... I'll think on it and come up with a cake.  This is when I'd be flinging ideas at your head and you'd bounce some back and we'd come up with my next special :)

Ok, pills are making my head unable to string coherent thoughts together and my typing coordination is nil. I need to walk taboo to the bedroom with me lol

Love You Kenny
~anne

tears, protection

My Silly Lovie Kenny Boy <3

I hope you are doing ok up in the stars. I really miss you and wish you hadn't left yet, but I understand. I'm doing ok most of the time. I still find myself in tears at night during "our time". I will totally admit to crying when I start every single one of my letters to you, but by the end of my time with you each night, I'm usually dry eyed and more calm. Usually, not always. I'll get there. Promise.

< Black Label Society / 1919 Eternal / Bridge to Cross >

...My spirit is bent and there's blood on my hands

The more I'm down, the less I understand

Once so found, now so lost

I ask no questions, it's just one more bridge to cross...

I don't need the Xanax to get through my days now and have been trying to not use it much at all. I need to work this out in my head and heart on my own, I guess. You know me - I'm stubborn and hard headed. I'll deal and get through. I've made it this far now. I rely on whispering to your star a lot when I'm sitting here alone in the dark. I imagine you whispering back that everything will be all right soon. You don't know how much I wish that to be true. I've never had my heart ache so much or shed so many tears before. I miss you!

I truly hope you are waiting for me, out there, somewhere.

< VAST/ Seattle 2007 / Flames (Seattle acoustic) >

...You are the only thing

That makes me want to live at all...

This is easily one of my most favourite songs - VAST/Flames. Aren't you glad I got you to listen to them? This version (acoustic) of Flames is so sad sounding, but it's really not a sad song. It's a song about learning to love and feel again. It's how you made me feel. I think I did the same for you.

I still dream of you every night - sometimes it's of you dying. Sometimes it's just one of our text conversations played out in movie form - with us speaking face to face instead of texting on our phones. I will wake up from those with a smile, but then, I cry when I realize it was only a dream and that it will never happen. 

I'm probably crazy. I'll pinkyswear you were here the other night, brushing a stray strand of hair off my face. I caught a shadow out of the corner of my eye right before I felt the hair move, but when I turned to look, the shadow was gone, of course. Maybe it was you, maybe it was the ceiling fan moving my hair, maybe the shadow was one of my weird eyeball floater thingies. I don't know. 

You know what I believe in. You know I believe in the afterlife and the spirit worlds. You know I believe in 'ghosts'. You know I believe in what my dreams show me. I could easily believe it was you coming to watch over me. You always said you would protect me and keep me safe while you were alive, so it's not hard to believe you would after death, as well.

< Nine Inch Nails / The Fragile (left) / The Fragile >

She shines

In a world full of ugliness

She matters when everything is meaningless

Fragile

She doesn't see her beauty

She tries to get away

Sometimes

It's just that nothing seems worth saving

I can't watch her slip away

I won't let you fall apart

She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by

Hoping someone can see

If I could fix myself I'd - but it's too late for me

I wont let you fall apart

We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide

I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side

...but they keep waiting

...and picking...

It's something I have to do

I was there, too

Before everything else

I was like you

Taboo and his giant cow bone

I brought Taboo home a treat from work. A super giant beef steamship bone. I'm sure he thought he was in doggie heaven. He literally gnawed on it for 2 hours straight. He's now passed out asleep on the sofa with his paws twitching and snoring. I bet he wakes up with sore jaws in the morning.

I need to go lie down. My lower back still aches and today I couldn't pee, there wasn't any even though I drank a half gallon of water today ;/ Yes, I know... I'll be ok. 

I love you :)

I'm OK...

Dear Kenny <3

I'm OK. I miss you. I love you.

Kelly picked up your ashes and a few belongings from your apartment to send to me :/ I know when I receive them I am going to totally lose control and cry. I still keep expecting a text or phone call from you... I guess this will give me closure that you aren't coming back ever. Damnit Kenny.

One of the cats has decided to live in a Dogfood box on the gaming table. The cat growls at taboo from across the room lol

I still can't eat much or do much of anything without getting dizzy or feeling nauseated. Showering exhausts me. Working hurts. Lying down hurts my joints. Standing makes the room spin and tilt. I can't sleep. I stay up all night and nap for a couple hours when I see sunlight before I go to work.

I can't quit. I promised you I wouldn't.

I love you.