walls, love, tears, chances

My Kenny <3

I had a reallllllllly bad night :( and day. and night again... I'm trying but I can't seem to get over your death. I cry a lot. I think too much about what had started to become and what will never be completed. You know me. I live inside my head. I've cried more this past 3 weeks than I have in the last 20 years. I can send my physical pain away on the wings of imaginary butterflies to the stars, but I can't manage the pain and hole left  in my heart. Go figure.

Everything lately, reminds me of you - something you said, or showed me. Even food makes me think of you - I see something and I think, "OH! I'd love to make this for Kenny!" or "I bet Kenny would love this!", then I remember you're gone and I'll never get to do that for you and I can't eat or even smell food, without being sick. Oh, it's great fun at work when I have to taste and smell food...

Movies we wanted to watch together... books... you said you were going to read to me or tell me stories every single night when I was there because I told you how much I loved the sound of your voice :(

I can't sleep, because I see your death in my nightmares right now. Why, I don't know. I guess it's still too fresh in my mind. I don't even know the details because no one really knows but those with you and I haven't spoken to them, but I keep seeing it anyhow. You know my dreams and how vivid they are. What I see in them, is probably what happened. I don't want to see it anymore. I tell myself you went peacefully and with a smile, but I don't really believe it. You've shown me otherwise already. Remember how many dreams we shared?

Love was just one of the reasons why I put up my walls. It is the only reason I will write about here, in my letters to you - you know why - my reasons made you cry the night I told you. If someone wants to know the others, they can ask but they should be prepared for some of the most unpleasant things life has to show. My walls were there for me - to stop caring for people, to stop loving and showing feelings for anyone. To just go through the motions to make people happy. To say the words but not honestly mean them. To hide behind a facade. To not show pain, or cry, or hurt.

You chipped away at those walls and managed to get inside the little crack that appeared. I tried so hard to not let that happen. You knew I didn't let many get that close to me, let alone let them inside my heart. This wasn't supposed to happen to me... not again. I didn't plan on this, on falling in love with you. You knew I had, even when I denied it. I bet you even knew the exact moment, during the silly nonsense conversation we were having that night while playing ww/f  - because you called me right then. You asked me to take a chance on you, to let you in and to not shut you out. You promised that you would show me a different kind of love than I have ever had if I gave you that one chance...

Now I sit here crying because I did just that and you did. Damnit Kenny!


We had a strange connection... like twins sometimes do. When you bruised your knee the night you fell, my leg hurt and bruised. When your cyborg leg got infected, my leg swelled up. Look at the year old burn scars on my right arm. They match your dialysis stabs on your right arm. When you had the chest perma-cath put in - I felt the pain while I was at work and showed you the bruise on my chest before you even told me they had done the surgery. 


I feel drained and fuzzy in my head :( My tears have stopped for now. My neighbours are waking up and making noise.. I need to go get some air... Take Taboo for a walk before it storms again.

I love you Kenny.