work, love, hurt, La Mer...

Kennyboy <3

I had an ok day. I'm hurting physically, our butterflies and stars helped some. My headaches are back. I want to stab my temples with ice picks and poke at the stupid little midgets with sledgehammers inside my skull... 

I didn't sleep well, but that's nothing new in my life. But today, it was due to the cats deciding to invade my bedroom and torment Taboo by hiding under the bed. His fat block head can barely fit under there :D His whining and their growling... all he wants to do is sniff their butts and ears! After that, he'd leave them alone, but noooooooo... they have to be CATS and freak out, which makes Taboo think they want to play chase the cats around the house...

< Johnny Cash / American IV: The Man Comes Around / HURT >

...I hurt myself today,
To see if I still feel,
I focus on the pain,
The only thing that's real...

Love this version of Hurt... Love Nine Inch Nails' original one but ol' Mr Cash did a wonderful job on this. You also know what this song means to me and why it shows up in my playlist so often. We had that discussion many nights... We had the same problem... It was another of our many connections tying us together.

I thought about you a lot today. I tried to not be sad. I managed to not cry other than a couple tears here and there. Mostly when I was still in bed and not fully awake, wishing I could roll over, open my eyes and see you there and have you pull me closer to squish up against you instead of the pillows (and Taboo, while I love the furface, he's not what I wanted this morning). Something I've never had with you, but wanted so much - physical togetherness (not sex, though that would have been a nice bonus)...Cuddling, hugging, holding hands... That's what makes me cry the most I think. Thinking about things we'll never have a chance to experience together in this life. 

Stop saying I have a boyfriend. I know I do. and I love you both in separate parts of my heart and for completely different reasons. He just doesn't ... do the cuddly lovie side of things I know you'd do. If it's not a ps3 controller or keypad.... :/ :\  Topic for another night.

You best be waiting out there for me to join you, Mr. Perfect Patient One... You said I was the last one for you and there would be no one else ever. I believed that. I just didn't get there fast enough to have it ;/

< Nine Inch Nails / The Fragile / La Mer >

(english translation)

And when the day arrives 
I'll become the sky 
And I'll become the sea 

And the sea will come to kiss me 
For I am going 
Home 

Nothing can stop me now

My weekend is over. 2 days is just not long enough away from that place. It's been so slow there. I miss getting your texts all shift long to entertain me. I miss calling you at night while I cleaned up my line before I left for home. I know you loved those surprise calls from me at night. Our bonus calls :) I'd hear the happy tears in your voice each time.

The new owners of the casino take over in a couple weeks so everyone management wise has been stressed out and walking on eggshells and being extra asshole-ish towards everyone beneath them. 

I finished filling out my new health/dental/vision benefits paperwork. I'm hoping that since I've had continuous coverage for 5 years that none of my health issues are deemed pre-existing and that everything goes smoothly. I get a non-smoker discount with this new insurance (yay). It's been 12 years since I last smoked if you don't count a single puff I had 5 years ago after I had a total freak out screaming breakdown in front of everyone here... This insurance is set up different than what we had, so now we have to do more pre-authorizing calls before tests and labwork and such. THAT IS GOING TO BE A PAIN IN MY ASS :) You know how many labs and tests I have done every month LOL 

< No Strings / The Princess and the Suits / Stigmata >

Some things are better, some not so much. Everything is more money with these new people.  I can only imagine what Obamacare is going to do...

I had to update my life insurance, also. The old owners included it in our freebies, but with the new ones, nothing free. You aren't a beneficiary anymore :( Yes, I had put you on my old one as well as my sister. I know you didn't need or want the money, but you could have donated it to a lupus charity or rare disease treatment place or bought a kidney on the black market or given the money to a homeless person, or bought everything in my art and photography store lol.

Plus side - I have a 401k again. That's where my microscopic raise is going. Old owners terminated our 401k plans 2 years ago... 

< London After Midnight / Psycho Magnet / Carry on... Screaming (ruins) >

I wasn't going to bother with any of this stuff since I wasn't planning on being here for it, but... I kinda needed to deal with this stuff before the deadline, as it looks like I'll be staying here for the time being instead of moving with you. *sigh*

All this paperwork gives me a headache. Too much boring fine line reading and initialing and signing and dating. Then, I have to go to all the websites and set up registrations to speed things along... GAH.

I need to attempt sleep soon... The doctor won't give me anymore sleeping pill refills because I've gotten too many consecutive refills this year. I have a couple pills left I'm saving for emergencies... Not sure how I'll ever sleep without them. Guess I'll just sorta lay there and stare at the wall. You're welcome to join me in the wall staring contest!

Love you Kenny.