stars, love, missing you, strength

My Kenny love :)

I hope you're enjoying the stars! You know I look at them every night <3 Your star crystal should arrive soon for me to wear for you. I was hoping to send it to you with one of my paintings for your wall, but... *tears fall*

<Jane Siberry/ The CROW Soundtrack/ It Can't Rain All The Time>

I'm doing ok. Not great, but I'll survive. I'll get there. I've stopped crying all the time, but every once in a while, silent tears fall and a sob slips out. I still can't really eat... I've lost 8# now :( I'm sorry. I'm trying to eat. You know how hard it is to eat when the body won't accept food. But, at least my mean doctor will be happy when I go next week... you know how he is.

I'm stronger than I look - li'l Miss Tough Girl in the pint sized body and the combat boots will be back soon for you. *Pinky Promises*.

<Nine Inch Nails/ With Teeth/ Beside You In Time>

Your family and friends have been putting up with my rambling texts and tears and flooding your facebook page and helping me to understand and cope. I wasn't expecting that. They love you very much. 

Thank you - all of you, you know who you are. Y'all don't know how much it means to me.

I love you very much, Kenny and always will. 

You, yes - YOU! - convinced me to give happiness and love another chance. To believe in fairy tales again - the happily ever after ones - and not my favourite Grimm's Brothers you all will die a horrible death by an evil troll witch monster ones hahaha You know the reasons why my heart was cold and hardened and dark. Why I gave up believing. You were there for me at 4 am when I had a bad memory or dream and talked me through it until I could sleep again. You understood my dark thoughts and moods. You "got it". You knew where I was coming from and where I was going to go, and stopped me from jumping down the rabbit hole more times than I let on.

<Rob Zombie/ Hellbilly Deluxe/ Living Dead Girl>

I miss our talks and endless texts and videos and pictures of our days. And I miss you singing to me. It was pretty horrible at times, but it made me laugh, and that made you laugh. You didn't take offense at me calling you my lovie, my heart or my silly boy. I loved how you said my name, even when you called me the dreaded Annie, but from you, it was ok. You understood my crazy made up words when I couldn't remember the words I needed to say due to one or another of my health problems messing my head up.

And -You made me vain - I swear. I never took so many pictures of myself for anyone, especially when I was sick, and especially for a boy. I'd say: "I'm ugly/fat/stretchmarked/scarred, etc", you'd say "Prove it! Show me! Take a picture right now" and then you'd say: "You are not ugly. You are STUNNING! You are Beautiful. You made my heart melt".  

You made me feel beautiful and gorgeous, even when I was sick and bedridden from all my illnesses ganging up on me at once, and throwing up on myself and cramping and numb and the electric shocks in my spine and unable to move and barely able to talk. 

<U2/ The Eye of the Fly/ Love is Blindness>

You always started my day with a text telling me how beautiful I was.

"Good morning, my uneeek one. Did you sleep well?" *kisses**ew morning breath**kisses again* 

"You are beautiful and I love you" 

Remember this day? I ended up in the hospital right after this.

<Cheap Trick/ Greatest Hits/ The Flame>

I miss you helping me with advice and related stories from your past. I miss your voice in my ears. I miss your smiles. I miss you just listening to me when I was having a breakdown. I miss your tears - you didn't fool me old man, I could hear them in your voice when I would call out of the blue for no reason other than to say HI KENNY! I miss us showing our scars to each other and telling the stories that went with them. It was amazing how similar our lives were and having nearly identical experiences in them. You didn't judge me and I didn't judge you. We shared too much of the same life in different times. I miss our playlist and music video of the day sharing, as music was such a big part of our days. I loved when we'd introduce each other to a new band that we'd never heard of. I gave you VAST and London After Midnight. You gave me Bikini Kill and The Gits.

<Skid Row/ Skid Row/ 18&Life>

Check these out! Super sticky and latex free just for ME! Now I don't have to use a cotton ball and tape at the blud suckers! or ripe my skin off with a latex one... that's always gross... 

I found new latex free bandages to use at my dr appointments! <3

I have a new vampire (phlebotomist). Her name is Carolina. You'd like her. She's always smiling and has a funny and dirty joke to tell in a loud whisper and sneaky glancing around eyes. She has music in her voice. She's creole-cajun. She also LISTENS when I tell her what hurts. She's the one that started doing my draws from my shoulder - it's less tender for me and the vein is visible at the surface - no poking or digging around! "We'll go for the sure thing right here!" is what she told me the first day before I had even said anything, and poked the vein in my shoulder I showed you that day so quickly and gently I didn't feel it at all - AND I DIDN'T BRUISE. She's always gentle and uses the baby butterfly catheter on me, even though she knows it takes longer for my draws. She always coaxes my bluds out. "C'mon bluds, is's time t' wake up. Don' make me poke dis po' girl any mores den I's gotsta." She hasn't collapsed, rolled or missed a vein on me yet, unlike the other girl.... ugh. That girl sucked. I swear she poked my elbow joint on purpose because I told her how to do her job. But - it's MY body, I know how it reacts. I've been doing the bluds for years. My elbow veins roll and collapse. They always have. I hate hearing the *pop* the vein makes when it collapses... and that girl's giggly *OOPS*... I wanted to stab her in the eyeballs to hear them *POP* and then say *OOPS* heeheehee

<3 Doors Down/ Away From the Sun/ I Feel You>

It's almost 6 am Kenny, I need to at least attempt sleep. I miss you saying goodnight to me...

Goodnight, my lovie.