love you miss you need you

Dear My Kenny <3

Having a strange night... I really miss you but I'm ok. Seriously wantneedy for things I won't have tonight, or ever the way things go with bf. You know how I am... even though I push people out of my personal space more often than not, sometimes I need do a hug or a cuddle on the sofa or my hands held for hours.

I guess I'm getting used to you not being here. I still keep expecting/wishing for you to call me, or send a text, or even just show up - saying you were horribly sick and no one could get in touch with me...  I know it won't happen, but I can still wish for it on your star...  It's clear and silvery tonight here in the dark, by the way. If I look at it at an angle, I can see flecks of different blue and green shades in it - like glitter. I think I choose the cut and crystal style well - it suits you. It goes super well with my purple butterfly.

I started out with a Pink Floyd/A Momentary Lapse of Reason playlist tonight, and now it's all random again. I didn't even notice my queue had played out an hour ago. I was drawing a little... trying to get back into the habit and routine. I need to make some more art and graphic designs to sell in my online shop.

I still have random tears. They don't last long if I let them fall, but if I try to hold them back they'll last all day. I have to hold them back at work, I have no choice really. I just wait til I get home and write to you before letting them fall fully.

< 3 Doors Down / Away From the Sun / I Feel You >

...They gave me a life that's not so easy to live

And then they sent me on my way

I left my love, forgot my dreams

I lost them along the way

Those little things you say

When words mean so much

You never back down

And they all shy away

You always listen to me...

I haven't lost anymore weight this week, I'm still at -18#... I'm trying to eat more. I'm already malnourished enough with all my vitamin deficiencies. Food just doesn't interest me right now. Nothing tastes good. The smell of some things still makes me want to throw up. I haven't had the energy, or lack of pain, to do any of my exercise beyond some stretching and playing with Taboo. Work just takes it all out of me. It's all I can do just to make it through my shifts right now.

I think I go back to the regular doctor in a couple weeks, but I'm not positive. He's the one that does all my regular yearly blud labs and likes to tell me I'm obese LOL He's also the one that wants me to be a stick figure at 120# (or less... ) At least he'll be 'okay' with my being at 170#. It's less than I was last time I saw him. My work pants are baggy now ;) And - I can button the bottom buttons of my chef jacket and have room inside it for my t-shirt!

The veins in my hands and arms stick out now sometimes - is that a good thing? They used to look all sunken in and almost black under my skin... Now they are bright blue. I can really see the blue colour in my shoulder and upper chest area. I can't get a good picture of them or I'd show you.

I declined going to a culinary competition this year - one of the guys is going to do it this time... I didn't think I could handle the stress of all that right now since I haven't been feeling all that great. They'll be others I will do. I still need my gold for desserts to complete my collection of medals for the ACF! I kinda wanted to do this one (wild game) but it's not an area I'm comfortable 'showing off' in, yet. I know you'd tell me I'd do fine and you have confidence in me and I'd say Yeah right... and I'd go do it and be fine whether I placed or not. But, I don't think you'd push me to do it if I wasn't feeling well enough. You'd want me to rest up for the next one :)

I need to attempt a nap before I go to work :( I'm not really sleepy, but I know I need to rest.

I love you Kenny <3

I'm OK...

Dear Kenny <3

I'm OK. I miss you. I love you.

Kelly picked up your ashes and a few belongings from your apartment to send to me :/ I know when I receive them I am going to totally lose control and cry. I still keep expecting a text or phone call from you... I guess this will give me closure that you aren't coming back ever. Damnit Kenny.

One of the cats has decided to live in a Dogfood box on the gaming table. The cat growls at taboo from across the room lol

I still can't eat much or do much of anything without getting dizzy or feeling nauseated. Showering exhausts me. Working hurts. Lying down hurts my joints. Standing makes the room spin and tilt. I can't sleep. I stay up all night and nap for a couple hours when I see sunlight before I go to work.

I can't quit. I promised you I wouldn't.

I love you.

sick, missing you, crying

Damnit Kenny!

I made it all day, then about an hour ago, I started crying. Just out of the blue. And not just tears. Full out crying. I'm trying to deal with this, really. I can be strong all day, but when I'm alone at night - I just can't do it. This used to be our time to chitchat and catch up on our day. When we'd send goofy pictures and have serious discussions and play ww/f all at the same time. When you'd tell me I was beautiful and that you loved me. When we'd come up with silly things to do with each other - like have a picnic on the living room floor at 4 am, or make sand castles on the beach, or colouring in colouring books.

This is very unlike me, all these tears. I usually only cry when I'm so angry I can't speak. I don't feel angry at you. Maybe I am. I don't really know. I don't want to be if I am - I don't think I really could be. I am upset that you're dead and I feel selfish for wanting you back just for me, even though you would be in pain. But I don't think I'm mad at you... 

I am afraid I'll stop remembering all the silly little things... I'm still afraid to stop hurting inside but I also know I can't sit around all the time hoping and wishing for something that will never ever happen, unless you become a zombie or a vampire... This would be the perfect place to do that, ya know. New Orleans. Voodoo. Vampires. Crazy lifestyle. It's my turn to say it: "C'mere, c'mere, c'mere! You know you want to!"

You and your off-centered picture taking-ness :P

I miss my Kenny - everything about you. I'd do most anything to have you back with me, but... pet sematary.... yeah. That would be my luck... You'd come back, but not be you. Then you'd eat my face off while wearing a creepy clown mask and stuff. :) and you know how I feel about CLOWNS! Ugh 2 Stephen King references in a row. AHHH!!! 

Ok, I'm better. Kinda. Ok, not really. I'll get thru it. I'm just having a moment. I'm extra super hurty and stuck awake and I have no one to talk to anymore. Normal people sleep at night. We weren't normal :) Even with my extra strength ambien and other stuff I might 'sleep' 3-4 hours. Usually it's tossing and turning and feeling pain and having nightmares. I've never slept well. Even as a kid. I had night mares, night terrors, sleep walked and eventually I quit sleeping in high school for days at a time. Probably why I have such vivid dreams... I wonder if a sleep study could detect that. There's got to be one that measures dream activity.

I'm having horrible charlie horses in my calves - they make my feet curl up from the muscles and stuff getting so twisted up. I'll have bruises soon ;/ Those are always pretty. My knees are swelling and ache something awful. The joints in my fingers are getting more cyst things in them. They look like tons of mini ganglion cysts, but on my joints. I hit one today on the cooler door at work. Yeah, I had to go sit down for a minute with my hand on the floor of the freezer to numb it. "Where's ANNE?"  "She's in the freezer!" "WHY?!" "She hurt her hand!" "Does she need to go to security?" "NO!!!! She hit one of those lump things on her fingers!"

In my job, going to security = drug test. I'll pass the stupid test - really. But - it takes an HOUR while they fill out paperwork, get the swab thing (and with my sjogrens I can't make spit hardly at all so it takes a REALLY long time to get enough in the stupid swab to test), take pictures of 'The INCIDENT Area' - they get all CSI on this stuff. I needed a bandaid one day after cutting my finger on an aluminum pie pan and someone saw me bleeding before I got my bandaid on (I keep a supply in my bag) and had security escort me to the office for the test. FOR A BANDAID. (I bleed like crazy from a few of my meds, so any medium hard bump against something=blud!). One hour and 26 sheets of paper later, I got my bandaid. It ended up being latex so I took it off as soon as I stopped bleeding and just used masking tape and a glove over my own personal latex frees...

I felt pukie all fucking day. Woke up dizzy and somehow managed to work feeling like the world was spinning backwards and sideways all day. Gwen's driving just about did me in on the way home from work tonight, though. I had my seatbelt off before she had fully stopped outside the house and flung the truck door open, jumped out and said Bye! and threw up on the street as she drove away. Then made it to the house and got inside and became pukie again because BF had been smoking stinky cigarettes while watching football. 

Poor Taboo didn't know what was up. I closed the bathroom door on his nose on accident so I could kneel in front of the toilet for 30 minutes :( I never ignore the silly furface! We cuddled and played when I was done being sick. 

How could I ignore this?

I think I'm just gonna lie here in the dark for a bit. Maybe I'll sleep. I'm hurty all over and I have this bad feeling they are going to put me on saute/fish station permanently. One because they know I can do it and I'm the only other one that CAN do it... and I'm a girl. The first girl ever to work that station since the place opened. I HATE SAUTE. I trained pastries and sweets, not fish... *sigh* well, maybe I'll get a raise. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA now that's a fantasy.

I love you Kenny. You always believed in me even when I didn't. Kinda why I said I'd learn that stupid fish station a few months ago. You kept saying you knew I could do it... DAMN YOU!

I love you. Come see me tonight and help me sleep and make me strong.

~Uneeek!

butterfly, star together. I'm OK!

My Kenny -

LOOK WHAT SHOWED UP! MY BUTTERFLY!

I'll be getting a thicker chain to wear them on - or maybe another thin chain to wear them separate but together at the same time. That might be the best option really. I think the star would look great on a choker ribbon. Next I'm going to look for one in a moonstone - Thanks to my sister for suggesting that, too! <3

Random playlist shuffle today... Just kinda going with the flow. Let's see where winamp takes us this day.

<VAST / NUDE / Be With Me> 

Have I ever mentioned how much I absolutely LOATHE going to the doctor? :) I've stumped the doctors yet again so their solution is to put me back on their stupid boring anti-inflammatory 'diet' again. I'm going to go bonkers! No dairy, no wheat, no sodium, no added sugars (whole fruit is ok this time, but not juice), no caffeine, no alcohol, no dyes, no OTC meds, no beef... etc etc etc. Basically, they have no idea again. 3 months of this... then new lab work unless I get worse *cries*

Official weight loss - #12 in 7 days... the depression and #spoonie diet. I don't recommend it.

Oh, and snip pieces of flesh from me again. They REALLY want to do that. I feel like a lab rat... I'm so tired of all of it. :/ They weren't big on explaining stuff today without consulting with "the others" so I'll probably get a phone call in a week or so. Guess I should be happy my doctors speak with each other...

<Peter Wohlert: Berlin Symphony Orchestra - Tchaikovsky: Sleeping Beauty Suite, Op. 66A - Introduction, La Fée Des Lilas>

I'm okay today. Well, right now anyhow... Sitting in my stupid paper gown with a paper sheet for warmth for 45 minutes this morning in a freezing room, waiting for the doctor to finally show up... Not so good. My toes turned blue waiting. I think I fell asleep for a bit, wishing you would show up and hold my hand. I had a new tech there today. What a space cadet... and she was sick and sniffling and rubbing her nose constantly. ICK NO TOUCHING THE UNEEEK ONE WITH ICKY GERMS!  I miss Miss Lisa. She didn't ask me the same questions over because of not writing down the answer the first time... and she always had a blanket for me...

Work told me not to come in cuz apparently half our shipments haven't made it yet from whatever still flooded area they are coming from. I get to go back tomorrow instead. So I did nothing all afternoon but play with Taboo and Dixie outside... Until it got too hot to make them run around ;) it's 104ºF out today... They are both snoozing under the fan now... 

<Lacuna Coil - Underworld: Evolution - Our Truth>

Am I crazy to write letters to you? Knowing that you probably aren't going to see them? But - just maybe you can feel what I am writing go out to you in some way... I wonder if your friends and family think I'm crazy. It's ok if they do. I have papers stating I really am so they wouldn't be assuming things :)

It does help my head. I can't talk to a shrink - I've tried. I always feel like they are judging me - and when they poke too deep, I can't talk about things - you know which 'things'. Besides, if they really knew what was in my head, I'd be back in the padded room with that loverly tight jacket on again and perma-IV drip of some mind numbing medication.

I just hope everyone understands how much we meant to each other. REALLY. The love went beyond the texting and phone calls... we had no reason to hide anything or tell lies. I don't think we got to all the little things yet, but I think we covered most all the major stuff. We talked about our depression, our past relationships, jobs, suicide attempts, love, important life experiences.

You made me laugh so hard some nights :)

Sick people don't have time to lie about anything with each other. To the rest of the world - yeah, we will lie, if needed. We will tell everyone we are fine because we know you probably really don't want to know how we are. Life is just PEACHY . works just fine for non-sick people. It's just the way it is, unfortunately. 

I knew when Kenny was throwing up all day long or bleeding from his stabbies, he knew when my hands curled into claws and my face went numb when my calcium levels dropped too low. Talking would be slurring numb lip mumblemuble, *BARRRRRRRF* sometimes. Or walk walk stumble fall down. We both went thru this daily.

<Alice Cooper / Trash / This Maniac's In Love With You >

It's now a good bit later....  I can't sleep - I took my pill, so things might get weird in a few minutes. It will be like reading my odd texts at 4 am! My arms and legs and my SCALP keep going numb. Who knows what THAT is from, but it's been happening off and on for a while now. I'm not even going to think about it.

Bf and his mom took me out to eat Chinese food for dinner. It's the first real meal I've eaten since you died. Don't look at me like that... I did eat a piece of a piece of chicken yesterday or the day before yesterday.... And after my doctor appointments today, I had a Cliff Bar... At least it was protein and some carbs... Kinda cardboardy. Not gonna make those a habit... Dinner was ok, but it didn't stay in long...

I miss our foodpr0n discussions and pictures. I tormented Kristina with them today from my collection of sweets that I've made ;) I'm so evil. You know me - contributing to the extreme obesity of Mississippi and Louisiana 5 years total now and kept them in the top spot for at least 3 of them.

<Paula Cole / This Fire / Nietzsche's Eyes>

Ok - you know how benadryl IV gave you a hot ass? One of my pills makes my entire body feel like fire for about 15 minutes. I haven't figured out which pill yet, but it's one of my night pills. Thanks to you, I now notice that odd side effect. Thanks Kenny.

Last song, Last CALL for Alcohol, closing up quickly. Wheeeeee! Ambien. Whew, ambien - you kicked ass tonight. Good Job! Here, have a fiber bar.

<Puscifer / V is for Vagina / REV 22:20>

I'm signing off on that song... 

Da UnEeEk one loves Kenny.... and Puscifer and VAST and LAM and NIN, but Kenny MOSTEST

love, crazy, lost

My Kenny <3

I love you.

Your star crystal is stunning. I've just been looking at it in different lighting - and wishing for something that won't ever come true... I decided short chain for it and my butterfly. A choker would bug the hell out of me at work with my chef's jacket, even though they would look best right up in the hollow of my throat - right above my scars.

I had a dream about you this morning. You were on the beach, smiling and playing in the sand in a misty rain. You held your hand out to me and said: "I'll wait forever for you. I'm patient." Of course, now it makes me cry, but this morning - it made me smile. I hope you will be there when I get there. We can build sand castles and look for shells. You wanted to bring the good parts back to me and try to wipe out the bad things that happened, remember? The bad parts made you cry. You wanted to show me what love is supposed to be.

I had a better day today. I guess. No tears til now - I've had people over all day so I had to pretend everything was fine. You know me, the Great Pretender. "Oh hey, yeah everything is fine, Great even. Life is peachy."  I say "Everything's just peachy" so much, that Peachy become my nickname. I've learned to let tears fall without wiping or blinking them back - keeps the eyes from getting too red and puffy. Though - the red makes my green and gold irises stand out super well.

I'm still listless and staring off into space a lot. Playing ww/f doesn't interest me anymore since my favourite partner is gone. I still can't sleep (normal for 38 years) and I have no one to text at 3 am anymore. I can't pay attention enough to read anything. I don't want to bug your friends with my endless texting since I don't watch tv or go out places anymore. Sad, I'm already ON anti-depression meds. they'll probably add another for a few months... blech, more pills.

I'm trying to get past this and live life. But I miss you. It's hard. You've been my constant 24/7 companion for 10 months... Who's going to "get me" now and understand how fucked up I really am in my head without me having to explain everything in details? You knew - you've been there. You understood the pain and blood and hating and sick and pills, the puking, the dizziness. You understood the darkness living inside my head. You understood my weird, sick, morbid and disturbing sense of humor and fascination with the very things that disgust or put fear into 99% of people. Who else wants to WATCH their OWN surgeries happen, besides you and me?

I finally found someone that I could be me with and he goes off and dies on me. :/ I still love you, though.

My own boyfriend thinks I am insane, most times. If we even speak during the day. Lately, we don't even do that - you know that's been going on for a while though. Everything is just off more than usual. I can't explain it. I can't even get a kiss or hug goodnight or good morning. Though he does get a cookie for giving me a half  of a hug and saying he was sorry when he finally realized I wasn't in the room anymore and had gone to the back room to cry at the news of your death. It only took him 45 minutes to notice that I wasn't sitting 2 feet away anymore.

I go to the doctor again tomorrow. I haven't been able to eat anyhow, so the 12 hours fasting beforehand isn't a problem. The weight loss this week will be. If I wear jeans and my boots and one of my heavier t-shirts, it won't be so noticeable... Hush, I know. This doctor is the one that bitches about everything I do, right or wrong. I know, I know. Reverting back to old anorexia habits to fool the school nurse lol I think I can get him to up my Xanax for a temporary time til I get over this. Just a few weeks.

I'm so tired of tests and being poked and stabbed and biopsied. They want to schedule an appointment to take pieces of my muscle tissue now to test for mixed connective tissue disease ;/ and maybe change my lupus diagnosis... the treatment is the same - same meds and all, so it doesn't really matter other than for insurance purposes, not that I'll be able to get any if I ever lose what I little insurance have through work. Too many things wrong with me now. They still want to poke and snip pieces from my liver and uterus and stab my spinal column and take images of my brain, but I just can't bear that yet. I'm so sick of being sick. 18 years so far of officially keeping track with doctor visits. I have so many conclusive for sure diagnoses now, that I really don't want any more of them.

Seriously - bi-polar, meniere's disease, porphyria, lupus, sjogrens, osteomalacia or osteopenia i forget which, hypocalcemia, ibs, neutropenia, pernicious anemia, pcos, endometriosis, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, ulcers, osteoarthritis, graves disease, hashimotos thyroiditis, raynaulds phenomenon, migraines. there's more but I'm tired of looking at what's wrong with me.. Is adding another really going to make a difference? The med's to help me also kill me, slowly. Shoulda taken the kidney I offered earlier, old man, in a few more years, they'll be useless to me too. :) :( Then we coulda shared chair 3 lol

I go back to work tomorrow too... Joy. Back to the idiot compound. Isaac screwed up the wood floors in the restaurant. Well, duh. We've only been telling them for 5 years now the windows leak in a normal rain storm. What did they expect with a Cat1 Hurricane with 75+MPH winds and 17 inches of rain??? Not sure where I'm at tomorrow. Might get stuck in utter and complete idiot hell - the buffet... Might get lucky and be able to stay in my fancy place and bake. I don't feel like it - but I have an idea for a lemon curd filled cake with white chocolate buttercream and swiss broyage (thin, crisp baked meringue layers) and candied whole lemon slices that look like yellow stained glass... Dunno. It's technically easy, looks awesome but all the components are individually time consuming... My desire is gone right now. But I already know I'm going to be asked to make something special for the "reopening".


I have got to attempt sleep. It's going to be a long stressing day for me... doctor for who knows how many hours then work right after. I was supposed to go to work at 10 am, but that's when my appointment is so I told them I'd show up when I showed up. It's too hard to reschedule doctor appointments when it already takes 6 months to get one.... and I'm normally off on Tuesdays - so I always schedule doctors for Tuesday.

I love you. Come help me sleep.

~The crazy one

bad day, miss you, weakness

Dear Kennyboy -

I'm having a really bad day without you. One of those days when I'd call you and ask you to just to talk - talk about anything until I was able to tell you what was wrong. I feel lost. 

Nothing interests me - other than writing letters to you. I can't focus on anything - but you being gone. My world is empty right now. I'm trying, really trying to deal with this, but... you know me. I won't ask anyone for help. 

< VAST/ Visual Audio Sensory Theater / Touched >

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcWE6jWSIi8

I really miss you and wish I could have at least been able to say goodbye and to tell you that I loved you one last time. I wish I would have called when you sent that last text to me about Hippy fixing your IV. It was the last one you got to send before you died. 

I wish I were there, just to have a few extra moments with you, to hold your hand and kiss your lips goodbye. I'd give most anything for another day.

< VAST / April / One More Day >

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jFS4iaEMMw

You sent a video message to me a few hours before that. I wonder if you knew when you sent that to me, that it would be the last one, and most important one to me, ever. It made me cry then, and it makes me cry now. I watched it, imagining we were together, face to face.

Remember these? My fortunes. It was on a day we both were feeling sad. They summed up what we believed in, hoped for and desired. It started a conversation when I got home about a true, deep love and hope.

< VAST/ Music for the People / We Will Meet Again >

< VAST / A Complete Demonstration / I Want to Take You There >

Your star came! It changes colors with the light. I had planned on sending it to you, but I can't now. So I'll wear and hold it for you and talk to you through it. My butterfly should be here Monday or Tuesday to wear with it. I'm debating if I want to put them on a chain or a choker or on a charm holder. I feel I'll need your stars and my butterflies to help deal with the pain I have inside.

My tears have dried once again. Maybe no one noticed I've been sitting here with tears silently streaming down my face.

I love you, Kenny. Please don't forget that.

< VAST / Visual Audio Sensory Theater / Flames >

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH0-R05pG80

Close your eyes,
Let me touch you now.
Let me give you something
That is real.

Close the door,
Leave your fears behind.
Let me give you
What you're giving me.

You are the only thing
That makes me want to live at all.

When I am with you,
There's no reason to pretend that
When I am with you,
I feel flames again

Just put me inside you,
I would never ever leave.
Just put me inside you,
I would never ever leave you.

~The Uneeek One

the beginning.

Remember this day, Kenny? It was October 29, 2011.

I asked over twitter for someone to play words w/ friends with me. You asked - what's that? I said it was like scrabble. You said you were intrigued and started a game with me.

While we were playing words w/ friends, you said you were sick and you needed someone to talk to and posted your phone number. I said I was sick, too. I was nervous, but decided it was okay and sent a Hi!

It was our first text message. You asked if I would send a picture if you sent one. I said ok but please don't be creepy and send pictures of your penis lol. You sent this and I sent that, and then we were friends and no longer strangers over the internet.

I asked if you were a #spoonie due to your esrd and copd  and you asked What's a spoonie?, so I told you what the spoon signifies. You read the The Spoon Theory.  I introduced you to #spoonie on twitter and gave you more outlets and information and places to vent and ask for help. We became closer friends.

We played endless games of ww/f and you would send me tons of your "this or that" texts. - waffles or pancakes. red or black. hot or cold. coffee or tea. etc etc After a few days, you said it was no longer a game and that you really wanted to know the answers to the questions - and the whys of the answers. Our conversations turned from silly and frivolous to serious, deep discussions of life, sickness, suicide, family, drugs, drinking, crazy, self hatred and self destruction, depression, past experiences, music, art, hopes and dreams. We found we were a lot alike. Best friend status was rapidly approaching.

<Aerosmith / Get a Grip / Amazing>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LKD-XQjEHs

You became my rock and my shoulder when I needed support and to vent. I became yours. Not a day went by that we didn't send a hundred or more texts to each other. I'd call on dialysis days to make sure you got up and went to treatment after you skipped one. We'd call each other on days when our mood was particularly dark, lonely and sad, just to hear a caring voice, someone who "got it".

I love you very much. I've been thinking about how we met a lot. I'm glad our paths crossed, Kenny. I miss you a terrible amount. Your name still shows up first in my quick list for texting and most dialed phone calls. It always will be.

~Your Uneeek One

stars, love, missing you, strength

My Kenny love :)

I hope you're enjoying the stars! You know I look at them every night <3 Your star crystal should arrive soon for me to wear for you. I was hoping to send it to you with one of my paintings for your wall, but... *tears fall*

<Jane Siberry/ The CROW Soundtrack/ It Can't Rain All The Time>

I'm doing ok. Not great, but I'll survive. I'll get there. I've stopped crying all the time, but every once in a while, silent tears fall and a sob slips out. I still can't really eat... I've lost 8# now :( I'm sorry. I'm trying to eat. You know how hard it is to eat when the body won't accept food. But, at least my mean doctor will be happy when I go next week... you know how he is.

I'm stronger than I look - li'l Miss Tough Girl in the pint sized body and the combat boots will be back soon for you. *Pinky Promises*.

<Nine Inch Nails/ With Teeth/ Beside You In Time>

Your family and friends have been putting up with my rambling texts and tears and flooding your facebook page and helping me to understand and cope. I wasn't expecting that. They love you very much. 

Thank you - all of you, you know who you are. Y'all don't know how much it means to me.

I love you very much, Kenny and always will. 

You, yes - YOU! - convinced me to give happiness and love another chance. To believe in fairy tales again - the happily ever after ones - and not my favourite Grimm's Brothers you all will die a horrible death by an evil troll witch monster ones hahaha You know the reasons why my heart was cold and hardened and dark. Why I gave up believing. You were there for me at 4 am when I had a bad memory or dream and talked me through it until I could sleep again. You understood my dark thoughts and moods. You "got it". You knew where I was coming from and where I was going to go, and stopped me from jumping down the rabbit hole more times than I let on.

<Rob Zombie/ Hellbilly Deluxe/ Living Dead Girl>

I miss our talks and endless texts and videos and pictures of our days. And I miss you singing to me. It was pretty horrible at times, but it made me laugh, and that made you laugh. You didn't take offense at me calling you my lovie, my heart or my silly boy. I loved how you said my name, even when you called me the dreaded Annie, but from you, it was ok. You understood my crazy made up words when I couldn't remember the words I needed to say due to one or another of my health problems messing my head up.

And -You made me vain - I swear. I never took so many pictures of myself for anyone, especially when I was sick, and especially for a boy. I'd say: "I'm ugly/fat/stretchmarked/scarred, etc", you'd say "Prove it! Show me! Take a picture right now" and then you'd say: "You are not ugly. You are STUNNING! You are Beautiful. You made my heart melt".  

You made me feel beautiful and gorgeous, even when I was sick and bedridden from all my illnesses ganging up on me at once, and throwing up on myself and cramping and numb and the electric shocks in my spine and unable to move and barely able to talk. 

<U2/ The Eye of the Fly/ Love is Blindness>

You always started my day with a text telling me how beautiful I was.

"Good morning, my uneeek one. Did you sleep well?" *kisses**ew morning breath**kisses again* 

"You are beautiful and I love you" 

Remember this day? I ended up in the hospital right after this.

<Cheap Trick/ Greatest Hits/ The Flame>

I miss you helping me with advice and related stories from your past. I miss your voice in my ears. I miss your smiles. I miss you just listening to me when I was having a breakdown. I miss your tears - you didn't fool me old man, I could hear them in your voice when I would call out of the blue for no reason other than to say HI KENNY! I miss us showing our scars to each other and telling the stories that went with them. It was amazing how similar our lives were and having nearly identical experiences in them. You didn't judge me and I didn't judge you. We shared too much of the same life in different times. I miss our playlist and music video of the day sharing, as music was such a big part of our days. I loved when we'd introduce each other to a new band that we'd never heard of. I gave you VAST and London After Midnight. You gave me Bikini Kill and The Gits.

<Skid Row/ Skid Row/ 18&Life>

Check these out! Super sticky and latex free just for ME! Now I don't have to use a cotton ball and tape at the blud suckers! or ripe my skin off with a latex one... that's always gross... 

I found new latex free bandages to use at my dr appointments! <3

I have a new vampire (phlebotomist). Her name is Carolina. You'd like her. She's always smiling and has a funny and dirty joke to tell in a loud whisper and sneaky glancing around eyes. She has music in her voice. She's creole-cajun. She also LISTENS when I tell her what hurts. She's the one that started doing my draws from my shoulder - it's less tender for me and the vein is visible at the surface - no poking or digging around! "We'll go for the sure thing right here!" is what she told me the first day before I had even said anything, and poked the vein in my shoulder I showed you that day so quickly and gently I didn't feel it at all - AND I DIDN'T BRUISE. She's always gentle and uses the baby butterfly catheter on me, even though she knows it takes longer for my draws. She always coaxes my bluds out. "C'mon bluds, is's time t' wake up. Don' make me poke dis po' girl any mores den I's gotsta." She hasn't collapsed, rolled or missed a vein on me yet, unlike the other girl.... ugh. That girl sucked. I swear she poked my elbow joint on purpose because I told her how to do her job. But - it's MY body, I know how it reacts. I've been doing the bluds for years. My elbow veins roll and collapse. They always have. I hate hearing the *pop* the vein makes when it collapses... and that girl's giggly *OOPS*... I wanted to stab her in the eyeballs to hear them *POP* and then say *OOPS* heeheehee

<3 Doors Down/ Away From the Sun/ I Feel You>

It's almost 6 am Kenny, I need to at least attempt sleep. I miss you saying goodnight to me...

Goodnight, my lovie.

Butterflies, Stars, and #spoonie

My crazy silly Kenny, 

God how I miss your texts to me. I'm sure I'm driving your friends and family crazy. Miss Kelly is going to send me some of your things and some of your ashes.  I am going to paint a small urn with butterflies and stars and glitter for it.  I'll show you a picture when it's finished.  If you don't mind, I'm going to sprinkle a tiny bit of you into the water with some of my favourite glitter at my "thinking spot" on the beach.  I think you'll like it there.  It's quiet and peaceful and no one really goes there.

I started drawing our butterfly whirlwind and stars tattoo. I'm wondering how to weave your and my sister's names into it. I'm thinking of adding a tiny spoon into it for all of our #spoonie status.  I'm still wanting it to be a diagonal piece from my left hip up to and over my right shoulder. Quite ambitious for a first, but I can handle the pain with all we've all been through.  I know you wanted to go with me for it and hold my hand so when I go, I'll tell you.

I  bought these today -

The star is for you. The butterfly is, of course, for my sister and I.

I've been trying hard to not cry too much and being sad. I will admit to needing some pharmaceutical assistance... I didn't want to, but I can't sit here and cry constantly over you going to your stars - you'd want me to be happy you aren't in pain. Come visit me on the wings of the butterflies and kiss me with the wind.

Kristina and I have been laughing a lot over the pervy and silly things you said to us.  I've been remembering how much you made me laugh when I was hurting and in pain and so very sick... and not to quit on us. I won't give up on us. I promise. I know you'll be there waiting for me - Mr Perfect and full of patience.

Isaac is taking his sweet time - he's stalled right outside the coast of Louisiana. Lots of wind and rain. Transformers popping all over. I'm safe here - but I'm prepared to flee if needed. I had to write to you to distract me from it. You know I hate the storms.

The power is flickering a bit and the wind is picking up again so I must go.

<3 The Uneeek One

First day...

Kenny - aka @clearonthree

This is my favourite picture of you. 

Dear Kennyboy, 

I'm upset that you have been taken from us, and me, already.  So very sad.  I haven't cried in years over anything, and today, it's all I have done.  My heart is broken, but it's known a special love it will never forget.

I know you're sad to see me like this, but I also know you are sitting beside me and feel you holding my hand, and if I listen closely, I can hear you whispering to me that everything will be fine in a bit.  

At least now I know why you didn't return my texts or phone calls.  I was worried that something had happened to you, but hid it in my silly random messages and goofy face pictures sent the last few days to your phone.  I still want your voice in my ears and I keep expecting you to text me "ClearOnThree".

I had had a dream this morning and woke with a feeling of dread.  You were dead in a casket and I was laying a glitterfly on your heart as I kissed your forehead.  My tears dropped onto your lips and I kept expecting you to lick them away.

My Glitterfly, carrying my Kenny to his Stars!

I guess your body finally just said enough is enough. Enough with the kidney failure and dialysis. Enough with the pneumonias and pleurisy. Enough with the pain and pills and hurtyness.  The doctors, the hospitals...

I believe I will see you in my dreams, in the clouds and stars, in the rain, on the wings of a glitterfly.  I'll hear your voice and laughter on the wind.

Love,
Anne