promise, rambling, tired

Kennyboy <3

Not writing didn't help me... I tried. Writing was helping more than keeping everything inside my head, I guess. I can barely function now... Still not sleeping.  I'm eating some - but it's somewhat useless when I throw up constantly from nausea and dizzyness. I'm tired of the you're so sick/getting too tiny/ looking comments. (well DUH? I AM SICK!). I know I'm annoying everyone around me with my rambling nonsense about whatever pops in my head all night and day.

Sometimes wish I didn't make that promise to you last winter. I really do. I'm tired, Kenny. So very tired. Tired of fighting myself. Tired of pills to stay alive. Tired of doctors and tests. Tired of hurting 24/7. Tired of being sick. Tired of nightmares every single night. Tired of crazy thoughts racing through my head. You wouldn't know if I broke that promise unless... what we believed is true. Then you'd yell at me for it. But, I don't break promises, even to people that are dead.

I was desperate Saturday night and had someone bring me some pain pills :( I was so sick Sunday day and night. I woke up feeling worse than usual - it's been a rough month at work mentally and physically for me - we're so shorthanded now and the OT is piling up on me. I don't know if the pills were too strong for me the night before, or the pain itself, or a migraine, or if it was just everything else catching up. I had a headache from hell, my back was spasming and I couldn't close my hands. I couldn't keep my eyes focused on anything, my world was tilting and spinning backwards more than usual. Glad Sundays have been boringly slow (football). I hate throwing up at work...

I didn't even make it the 8 miles home from work without telling Gwen to pull over (figures it was in Backatown -ghetto land- ugh - not where I wanted to be puking my guts out in the dark...). I tried taking a shower, but ended up just kneeling on the floor of the tub with my head on my knees until the hot water ran ice cold... then I just shut the water off and threw a towel over me until I stopped shaking.

ramblings

Dear Kennyboy <3

I'm so exhausted but when I lie down, I don't sleep. I stare at the wall or toss and turn endlessly. My muscles start twitching, knotting, cramping and trembling... It's so annoying. I start getting hot and sweaty, and itchy, and my heart starts going all crazy and my mind starts racing, then I get aggravated and get back up.

My pills aren't helping anymore. I took another sleeping pill in hopes it'll at least make me calm enough to just lie there. I'm allowed 2 pills... I only have a few left of the ambien then I have to switch back to the klonopins :(


I still feel like creepy crawlies are in my skin. Nothing works for the itching... I cut all my long gorgeous nails off - I was scratching myself bloody... How did you deal with this? Benadryl does nothing for me. I feel like I'm coming down off a junkie weekend LOL My skin isn't dry - far from it...

I still have peeeeeeeee issues, or actually, the lack of peeeeeeeeee issues. My lower back still hurts. Doctor told me to do yoga and that I have an inflamed sacro-illiac joint... wtf? He didn't even look at my back or do any tests. *sigh* I saw the look in his eye - hypochondriac. Time to fire this doctor and get a new one again.

Let's see, how many other complaints can I cram in here? LOL How bout my lips are peeling like crazy and get all bloody! It's not even winter yet... and my eyes hurt ;)

I hear the train going by - it's late. Both in time of night - 3 am, and the train itself is behind schedule by about 45 minutes tonight.

I feel like crap already this week. My RHCP concert tickets got reissued - for Thursday... Hope I'm well enough to go... The concert was supposed to be in Feb remember? Then Anthony Kiedis broke his foot so it go delayed. Til 2 days from now. GAH! You know I'll go even if I feel like shit - I've waited forever for this! This is one good thing about living in NoLA! Lots of concerts and bands come here. Too bad I have to pick and choose which to go to because of work... :( I can't spend the night in the city this time either - gotta go home after the show, which is a good thing I guess - less opportunity to drink...(I'm trying Kenny... It's so hard :( ) I'm gonna be so drained friday when I get to work LOL

I feel pill #2 trying to work it's magic. typing is in sllloooooow motion.

Love you Kennnnnylovieboy

Come sleep with me tonight. Ill show you my latest  butterfly addition... addiction.

love flutterby kisses

maybes...

Dear Kennyboy <3

I can barely move tonight - the pain in my bones is pretty bad. I slept off and on most of the day and have now taken my 3rd pain pill along with my usual advil and aleve :( You know I have to be desperate to take my painkillers because I hate how they make me feel even more nauseated and dizzy than I already  normally feel. Nothing really works for the bone pain, I don't know why I even try to numb it. I borrowed your stars today to help deal with it. My butterflies were overwhelmed and couldn't get off the ground.

There's a buzzing in my head and it's driving me crazy because it's become more frequent in occurrence. My butterflies have never worked on that and the doctors haven't got a clue what it is or what's causing it or how to make it stop. It's like my brain is vibrating like a tuning fork... I used to just think it was something in the background - at work or wherever I was but no one else could hear it and just looked at me strangely when I would mention it. I hear/feel it everywhere I go now...

I really missed you today. It's been a month I think now since I last heard your voice live or had a text or email from you. I broke today and read the last 200 texts we had before you died... I cried. I wondered if you would have gone to the er if I had called you and asked you to go when you felt the infection spreading... Just more what if's and wonderings. I know I shouldn't question your death, and should just accept things and move on since I can't change any of what has happened... but you know how my stupid mind works - or doesn't work LOL.

I know I can't fix your being gone. I so would if I could. I'd move us back many years - oh 10 years or so, so we could have had a looooonger time together. Maybe those things wouldn't have happened to either of us to make us both hate parts of ourselves so much that we tried to erase ourselves from this life... maybe we both wouldn't have ended up with such broken scarred bodies and minds and ended relationships with those we loved. Maybe you'd still be here now, if I had been there then? I know we talked about that a few nights - if I would have appeared in your life years ago... how certain things would have been different. But - maybe it just would have prolonged the inevitable. That some things are just meant to happen no matter what and nothing will change them from occurring, they just get rewritten to a new time period. (Like in Final Destination?, just not with death only)

I need to lie down again. I'm dizzy and don't want to fall on the ceramic tile and crack my skull open (though maybe the buzzing in there would finally STOP).

I love you Kenny <3

~da uneeek one

butterflies, triggering dreams, painsomnia

Silly Kennyboy <3

I can't sleep - I forgot my crazy meds... Dunno how, I rarely forget to take any of my pills unless I finally crash out and sleep for 2-3 days straight... 

Random shuffle tonight while I occupy my wide awake self at 3 am...

< RUN D.M.C. / Greatest Hits / It's Like That >

The dreams started again last night... THOSE dreams that aren't really true dreams, but memories that come back in my dreams *draws arrows to middle of next paragraph*. The ones when I'd call or text you and be crying and scared, rambling on incoherently about the dark and blood and pain and the butterflies, waking you up in the middle of the night, and confusing you greatly until you understood I wasn't really me, and I wasn't really even awake...  Do you remember talking me through those dream nights? You asked me simple questions and didn't push me to explain - eventually you pieced things together and cried with me and talked me back to sleep. I loved you then, but I couldn't tell you then.

< Dream Theater / Awake / Lifting Shadows Off A Dream >

That song right there? - it makes me think of you... Go - Listen to it, you'll figure out why. Too bad we didn't meet when it first came out - 1993-1995 was the start of the next stage of really fucked up life experiences for me. Got married the first time, turned into a human punching bag within months of putting the ring on my finger, almost died getting out of that one. The last few months in that house, I had my chest and back cut up and burned with cigarettes, was raped, got hit with a chair leg and a baseball bat, was handcuffed to a bar in the closet with a locked door, so I couldn't leave, and the last night there - I was held against the wall with a loaded gun in my mouth and the phone cord wrapped around my neck with 911 asking what was my emergency. Lots of time spend in the hospital after that one, all broken up - fractured collar bone, concussion, broken wrist, broken fingers, 4 cracked ribs and a dislocated shoulder. Broken mind. More than once, I wished he would just kill me, or that  *I* could kill me, and be done with it all. 

Best part though? Getting blamed for it by people I trusted and loved. I really enjoyed being told that everything was all my fault and I should have been a better wife and did what my husband wanted...

All of you know who you are and Karma's a bitch :) 

Butterflies in my head saved me then, Kenny... The more things hurt, the more butterflies I saw until I couldn't feel anything happening to my body. Pain on the wings of the butterflies, up and away from me. Even in the dark, I could see them - all glittering and sparkly. 

See? The butterflies... Butterflies when I was little, butterflies then, butterflies now.

< VAST / Turquoise & Crimson / Beautiful >

The walls went up quickly after that. I quit speaking to everyone then - literally. I didn't speak for at least a year that I can remember. Quit working. Quit being human. I drank a lot and did many, many, many drugs to forget it all. I lived in parks and shelters and bus stations after I got out of the hospital and the wonderful crazy ward. I walked and rode the buses a lot. I changed cities and states like a butterfly getting pushed around by the wind. I know I saw 7 or 8 states in a few months time. Ohio, Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia, North Carolina, Georgia, Alabama... I wasn't really lost... I just fluttered around.

The first half of my water drinking tonight at work - 50 oz.... with lime!

< Silvertide / Show and Tell / You Want It All >

We were alike in so many strange, little ways too :)

Kristina told me about your lining up of diet cokes at work... I've always done it that - with endless bottles of water now instead of diet coke cans (since I'm not supposed to drink soda of any type anymore :( ) Oh, we also crush our empty cans the same way, too LOL Everyone is used to my bottle line up and crushed ice packed quart cup every shift - the only thing that changes is the fruit. Sometimes citrus, sometimes frozen berries or green apple slices. Water is SO VERY BORING! I miss my diet cokes :( Doctor said NO MORE sodas until my liver and kidney function tests are done again. *cries* Shhhhhh I still sneak one every now and then...

You'd think drinking up to 100 oz of water each shift would make me peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (each bottle is 10 oz). Nope. No peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hardly at all. Either I am super dehydrated, or my diuretic isn't working for me. I so rarely ever have to pee at work. I doubt that means anything GOOD for me these days. I miss sending you my OMG GGP! texts for those rare gotta go PEEEEEEEEEE times LOL

< Motley Crue / Greatest Hits / Primal Scream >

I'm going to attempt a nap now. I have to leave for work in a few hours. I'll whisper to your star for a few more minutes as I lie in the dark and wish for you to join me for a little while.

I love you and miss you.

love you miss you need you

Dear My Kenny <3

Having a strange night... I really miss you but I'm ok. Seriously wantneedy for things I won't have tonight, or ever the way things go with bf. You know how I am... even though I push people out of my personal space more often than not, sometimes I need do a hug or a cuddle on the sofa or my hands held for hours.

I guess I'm getting used to you not being here. I still keep expecting/wishing for you to call me, or send a text, or even just show up - saying you were horribly sick and no one could get in touch with me...  I know it won't happen, but I can still wish for it on your star...  It's clear and silvery tonight here in the dark, by the way. If I look at it at an angle, I can see flecks of different blue and green shades in it - like glitter. I think I choose the cut and crystal style well - it suits you. It goes super well with my purple butterfly.

I started out with a Pink Floyd/A Momentary Lapse of Reason playlist tonight, and now it's all random again. I didn't even notice my queue had played out an hour ago. I was drawing a little... trying to get back into the habit and routine. I need to make some more art and graphic designs to sell in my online shop.

I still have random tears. They don't last long if I let them fall, but if I try to hold them back they'll last all day. I have to hold them back at work, I have no choice really. I just wait til I get home and write to you before letting them fall fully.

< 3 Doors Down / Away From the Sun / I Feel You >

...They gave me a life that's not so easy to live

And then they sent me on my way

I left my love, forgot my dreams

I lost them along the way

Those little things you say

When words mean so much

You never back down

And they all shy away

You always listen to me...

I haven't lost anymore weight this week, I'm still at -18#... I'm trying to eat more. I'm already malnourished enough with all my vitamin deficiencies. Food just doesn't interest me right now. Nothing tastes good. The smell of some things still makes me want to throw up. I haven't had the energy, or lack of pain, to do any of my exercise beyond some stretching and playing with Taboo. Work just takes it all out of me. It's all I can do just to make it through my shifts right now.

I think I go back to the regular doctor in a couple weeks, but I'm not positive. He's the one that does all my regular yearly blud labs and likes to tell me I'm obese LOL He's also the one that wants me to be a stick figure at 120# (or less... ) At least he'll be 'okay' with my being at 170#. It's less than I was last time I saw him. My work pants are baggy now ;) And - I can button the bottom buttons of my chef jacket and have room inside it for my t-shirt!

The veins in my hands and arms stick out now sometimes - is that a good thing? They used to look all sunken in and almost black under my skin... Now they are bright blue. I can really see the blue colour in my shoulder and upper chest area. I can't get a good picture of them or I'd show you.

I declined going to a culinary competition this year - one of the guys is going to do it this time... I didn't think I could handle the stress of all that right now since I haven't been feeling all that great. They'll be others I will do. I still need my gold for desserts to complete my collection of medals for the ACF! I kinda wanted to do this one (wild game) but it's not an area I'm comfortable 'showing off' in, yet. I know you'd tell me I'd do fine and you have confidence in me and I'd say Yeah right... and I'd go do it and be fine whether I placed or not. But, I don't think you'd push me to do it if I wasn't feeling well enough. You'd want me to rest up for the next one :)

I need to attempt a nap before I go to work :( I'm not really sleepy, but I know I need to rest.

I love you Kenny <3

*warning red bluds inside*, cats, stars n butterflies

Sillyboy <3

I'm ok... Feeling sad and missing you, but I'll be fine. I have these:

Butterfly and Star

They'll get me through this. Your star is blue and green tonight in the dark. I couldn't get a picture of it without a flash and that just wasn't going to work...

<Evanescence / Fallen / Hello>

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm I'm still here 
All that's left of yesterday

I love Amy Lee's voice... and her eyes... and this song. It's fitting for me tonight.

I cut my finger open today at work getting a knife out of my chef bag. Just a small nick, really, but my goodness, did it bleed. 2 hours straight! I went through 5 paper towels and I'm not sure how much went down the sink while I was washing the cut out...

This is paper towel #5. I put the rest in the biohazard box in the locker room. 

My first thought? Oh, Kenny would LOVE this. 2 hours of drippy bluds. I imagined you spending the whole time just licksucking the bluds off the tip of my finger. Or rubbing it on my lips and having you  kissing it off them. Yup, I am blud loving crazy person, too.

But, since I was at work, I kinda had to make a tourniquet with paper towels and masking tape until it stopped enough to keep a bandaid on. Not sure if I should tell my doctor of this or not LOL It's only a 2mm long cut and only a bit deeper than a papercut but the non stop bleeding was a bit odd. I thought it had stopped after a few minutes, but as soon as I unwrapped it the first time, bluds squirted out over the sink. Gwen freaked ;) She hates bluds.

Of course, my arm hurts now like it does when I have my hour long blud sucking treatments with the vampires. Maybe I lost a bit more than I think... At least it's not orange anymore... I'm covering it with xeroform gauze tonight, and tomorrow at work I'll put my MRSA topical stuff on it with a waterproof bandage, just in case. I think it bled enough to prevent anything sticking around inside it, but... staph is going around work again. Yeah. 

One of the casino bartenders just died from staph in his blood and infecting his brain :( He was only 30. Here one day, gone the next. :( So much death around me again. Bf's dad, you, a bartender and a maintenance guy - both from work, Gwen's sister - just this year, of people I knew. 

<Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross / TGWTDT / Another Way of Caring>

I know I shouldn't, but I want to watch The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo again. Alone, so if I cry, no one will stare at me. I'm prepared for my personal trigger scenes and will FF through them if I feel like I need to, since I don't have you to talk to about them anymore... They were like reliving that crap all over again and I didn't know they were included in the movie since I didn't read the book first and I refused to look at any trailers or reviews online about the movie :( I know you hated hearing about that happening to me - I heard you crying, even though it was way forever in the past. You are only the second person I've shared all the details with and the only one who understood the joyous fun of being sent to the looney bin after. 

I'm fine, really. Not lying. I'm not even crying. Ok, I was crying a little earlier but I was reading old texts from you. I'm afraid to delete them. What if I forget things?? 

<House of Krazees / Season of the Pumpkin / Season of the Pumpin>

The cats are being weird... 

Callie has decided to live in my backpack -

and Booger likes the old computer chair next to the dog food bowls - 

Both torment Taboo - even when he isn't near them! They growl from the hallway while he's at the other side of the house if they see him. They'll paw his nose or paws when he's sleeping on the sofa. They hiss and yowl for no reason if a human is around to hear it. They sneak into my closet or under my bed and growl at Taboo while he's sleeping on the bed. He barely goes near them - and avoids eye contact with them whenever possible. I can't keep their door closed anymore because they now bodyslam it endlessly or paw underneath it until it gets so annoying I open the door... It's hard for me to sleep as it is - that racket is GAH!! It sounds like an exorcism going on in there!!! How did I get stuck with these two monsters?? I hate cats. Why do *I* have to take care of bf's mom's cats??? Booger clawed the shit out of my arm last night when I was shooing her off the counter tops and Callie insists I'm her new best friend when I'm brushing my teeth...

<Big Dumb Face / Duke Lion Fights the Terror!! / Voices in the Wall>

chatterboxing

numbers talking

silent, softer

somehow smarter

voices in the wall

they are far

they are talking something

something that is small

very tiny

speaking silently

they are working

hard

making, bumping

they are doing

something,

something that

is small

in the wall

they are

fidgeting.

small hands

working

scraping

something

over here

press your

ear...

they want

us out

they'd be 

gone by now

if they

knew

how...

Did I mention that I miss you? How bout I love you? Well, I do. miss you and love you. Did I ever get you to listen to Big Dumb Face? I hope I did. It's so stupidly creepy silly lol

And for a totally random WTF ... Why do I have a track of whale sound lullabies? How odd. I do remember it now that I think about it. And, I thought it sounded beautiful. Still do.

And on that - I need to lie down. I'm getting dizzy and pukie feeling and my brain is telling my eyes that what they are seeing doesn't exist. If I sit here much longer, I can't be held responsible for the nonsense spewing forth.



I LOVE YOU KENNY!
come protect me in my sleep from bad dreams

~Uneeek!

work, love, hurt, La Mer...

Kennyboy <3

I had an ok day. I'm hurting physically, our butterflies and stars helped some. My headaches are back. I want to stab my temples with ice picks and poke at the stupid little midgets with sledgehammers inside my skull... 

I didn't sleep well, but that's nothing new in my life. But today, it was due to the cats deciding to invade my bedroom and torment Taboo by hiding under the bed. His fat block head can barely fit under there :D His whining and their growling... all he wants to do is sniff their butts and ears! After that, he'd leave them alone, but noooooooo... they have to be CATS and freak out, which makes Taboo think they want to play chase the cats around the house...

< Johnny Cash / American IV: The Man Comes Around / HURT >

...I hurt myself today,
To see if I still feel,
I focus on the pain,
The only thing that's real...

Love this version of Hurt... Love Nine Inch Nails' original one but ol' Mr Cash did a wonderful job on this. You also know what this song means to me and why it shows up in my playlist so often. We had that discussion many nights... We had the same problem... It was another of our many connections tying us together.

I thought about you a lot today. I tried to not be sad. I managed to not cry other than a couple tears here and there. Mostly when I was still in bed and not fully awake, wishing I could roll over, open my eyes and see you there and have you pull me closer to squish up against you instead of the pillows (and Taboo, while I love the furface, he's not what I wanted this morning). Something I've never had with you, but wanted so much - physical togetherness (not sex, though that would have been a nice bonus)...Cuddling, hugging, holding hands... That's what makes me cry the most I think. Thinking about things we'll never have a chance to experience together in this life. 

Stop saying I have a boyfriend. I know I do. and I love you both in separate parts of my heart and for completely different reasons. He just doesn't ... do the cuddly lovie side of things I know you'd do. If it's not a ps3 controller or keypad.... :/ :\  Topic for another night.

You best be waiting out there for me to join you, Mr. Perfect Patient One... You said I was the last one for you and there would be no one else ever. I believed that. I just didn't get there fast enough to have it ;/

< Nine Inch Nails / The Fragile / La Mer >

(english translation)

And when the day arrives 
I'll become the sky 
And I'll become the sea 

And the sea will come to kiss me 
For I am going 
Home 

Nothing can stop me now

My weekend is over. 2 days is just not long enough away from that place. It's been so slow there. I miss getting your texts all shift long to entertain me. I miss calling you at night while I cleaned up my line before I left for home. I know you loved those surprise calls from me at night. Our bonus calls :) I'd hear the happy tears in your voice each time.

The new owners of the casino take over in a couple weeks so everyone management wise has been stressed out and walking on eggshells and being extra asshole-ish towards everyone beneath them. 

I finished filling out my new health/dental/vision benefits paperwork. I'm hoping that since I've had continuous coverage for 5 years that none of my health issues are deemed pre-existing and that everything goes smoothly. I get a non-smoker discount with this new insurance (yay). It's been 12 years since I last smoked if you don't count a single puff I had 5 years ago after I had a total freak out screaming breakdown in front of everyone here... This insurance is set up different than what we had, so now we have to do more pre-authorizing calls before tests and labwork and such. THAT IS GOING TO BE A PAIN IN MY ASS :) You know how many labs and tests I have done every month LOL 

< No Strings / The Princess and the Suits / Stigmata >

Some things are better, some not so much. Everything is more money with these new people.  I can only imagine what Obamacare is going to do...

I had to update my life insurance, also. The old owners included it in our freebies, but with the new ones, nothing free. You aren't a beneficiary anymore :( Yes, I had put you on my old one as well as my sister. I know you didn't need or want the money, but you could have donated it to a lupus charity or rare disease treatment place or bought a kidney on the black market or given the money to a homeless person, or bought everything in my art and photography store lol.

Plus side - I have a 401k again. That's where my microscopic raise is going. Old owners terminated our 401k plans 2 years ago... 

< London After Midnight / Psycho Magnet / Carry on... Screaming (ruins) >

I wasn't going to bother with any of this stuff since I wasn't planning on being here for it, but... I kinda needed to deal with this stuff before the deadline, as it looks like I'll be staying here for the time being instead of moving with you. *sigh*

All this paperwork gives me a headache. Too much boring fine line reading and initialing and signing and dating. Then, I have to go to all the websites and set up registrations to speed things along... GAH.

I need to attempt sleep soon... The doctor won't give me anymore sleeping pill refills because I've gotten too many consecutive refills this year. I have a couple pills left I'm saving for emergencies... Not sure how I'll ever sleep without them. Guess I'll just sorta lay there and stare at the wall. You're welcome to join me in the wall staring contest!

Love you Kenny.

butterflies, stars, tears and you

My Kennyboy,

I miss talking to you so much, it hurts. I still want to be entirely selfish and have you back for my own needs and not share you with anyone else. I want you all to myself. To talk with. To hug. To cook with. To just hang out with at home. I need someone to hold my hand when I go for my tests. Someone to tell me everything will be okay and wipe away my tears. Someone that won't leave when I am too sick to do anything but stay in bed. Someone that understands me. 

Yes, I'm crying again. I'll look like hell later - all puffy eyed and sniffly when I wake up, if I ever go to sleep today. I already look like I haven't sleep in a month. The circles under my eyes are so bad... 

It's storming again. It was gorgeous all day long, but sometime around 1 am it started to rain, and now at 5 am, it's thundering and lightning and the rain is hitting the windows... I can't sleep. You know how the rain affects my head in ways I don't and won't explain to people not extremely close to me. 

Not only is my head fucked up tonight, my body is also. It hurts - fire ants and ground glass everywhere. Burning pain in my joints and muscles. I haven't found any pills to work for this type of pain yet. My butterflies and your stars can only do so much some nights :( I might have to add in a third image to send my pain away...  I now get painful tingling and weird numbness in my legs and arms, and sometimes in my back. 

Morphos Butterfly - Isn't it beautiful?

I've spent the last few hours looking at pretty photographs of butterflies - particularly Morphos butterflies. Their blue, aqua and purple metallic shine caught my eye. This one has some of the colours I want in our tattoo. I'd like to add in a darker royal purple, a deep sapphire blue and an emerald green for some of the other butterflies. Maybe a pink one for my sister with her name in it's wings.

Your stars!

Then I started looking at stars...  I can't see any out here tonight since it's storming. You better be out there, Kenny. You told me you would be. Patiently waiting for me to join you. Look at how cool it looks up there! Glittery and smoky and swirly. Always changing, yet always the same. We could jump from star to star, playing tag. I'm hoping I can find a tattooist that can capture your stars for me. I still want to see if I can get one to mix some of your ashes in the ink...  I wish I could have gotten some of your blood ;) but not to put in our tattoo. I just want to have a piece of you ;/ I know, I'm weird. Tell me you wouldn't ask for some of mine. You would, and you know it. Cuz we were strange like that.

I'm not liking my random playlist tonight. I've skipped more songs than I have listened to. 

I had my evaluation at work... I get a 3% raise this year - not really much at all but better than the 3 years I've gone without one since I got a massive raise when I transferred departments. Now they want me to learn the grill station. :( It's the last station I need to know before getting a Sous Chef title for the fine dining place. I already know I most likely can't physically do that station but I don't want to tell them that and you already know I'll try to work it anyhow, just to show off  LOL. Besides, I'd be the first girl  e v e r  to work it... I already proved I can do saute/fish, even though I hated every minute of it. I don't want to give them any other reason to get rid of me when the new owners take over next month. I'm already afraid I'm going to lose my insurance :( so, I'll suck up my pain and try beating the chef boys at their stupid little game.

Taboo is hinting that he wants to go to bed. He won't sleep in the bed until I go lay down with him. Instead, he's in here, watching me and occasionally he gets up, walks to the hall and looks back at me. If I don't get up, he comes back and lies down and sighs, He is such a momma's boy. and a spoiled brat. :)

Taboo!

He's making me feel guilty :( 

I love you :)

~The crybaby

pain, butterflies, cookies

Dear Kennyboy

I'm hurty bad tonight... Every joint, every muscle, every bone hurts :( I took my pain pills, my anti-inflammatory and my sleeping pill, so I don't know if I will finish this tonight before everything hopefully kicks in and knocks me out. My knees are getting worse, especially the left one. It has the least amount of cartilage left and the doctor said I'm getting a bone spur in it to go with my shifty knee cap issue. YAY. The arthritis in my hands is making my fingers twist and get all crooked. They look nothing like the pictures I took a few months ago for you. I'm getting old lady hands :( My musician/artist/painter hands are slowly becoming entirely too ugly to be beautiful.

I finally peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed today. I drank even more water - added lemons to it. then taboo jumped on my belly while hopping around the bed... Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee   OF course, tonight it's  been pitiful small amounts, Maybe I am dehydrated that much??  My next labs include a eGFR/kidney function test so I'll have an idea. 2 months ago it was 74. Last year it was 80. I'm on more toxic pills now.and my body is more stressed with pain lately...

It's Pink Floyd night.... A Momentary Lapse of Reason. I had this on cassette at one point but it disappeared during one of my many nomadic moves across the country after I first left home. The days I would just pack up what I could carry in my backpack, sell or give away the rest and find a new place to call home... I never worried about money then - I didn't have a problem finding a job anywhere I went and I actually enjoyed living in tents at parks... I'm so odd. I wasn't afraid of anything then. That woulda been the mid-late 90's... Ever wonder about what might-ifs? Different life, different time, things coulda been completely d i f f e r e n t  for both of us.

Your star is green and golden tonight. I have it with my butterfly - resting on a black velvet covered foam block on my desk when I don't wear it. I can't sleep with it on, it gets tangled in my hair :( I sleep too violently to keep them beside the bed on the nightstand. I knock books off it every night, once the lamp. I don't want to lose 'us'.

Work was slow. I miss the busy nights. When it's slow, my body starts to hurt - because I can focus on it instead of my work... I start thinking about you and how you'd send me crazy, silly or pervy kenny texts to make my night go by with smiles and giggles. I miss those texts so much! Tonight I really could have used one of those distractions from you. I baked cookies for everyone instead - lemon/lime and orange/caramel butter cookies. I had some leftover sliced citrus fruit and zest from Tuesday to use up and I had a batch of orange caramel sugar 'glass' to waste before the humidity killed it totally. I didn't feel like making anything elaborate, so the cookies won out. Everyone got a treat, I got yelled at for making the girls on diets eat cookies - Hey, I didn't shovel the cookies into their mouths... If *I* can manage to not eat cookies or cakes or whatever else I bake while I'm on this stupid anti-imflammatory diet...  You'd have liked the lemon lime ones - tart like lemon or limeade, with a hint of sweet from the powered sugar and a smooth rich finish from the butter cookie dough... YUM. Not too sweet.

I still need to come up with something on the fly tomorrow for the Director's dinner and one for the new owners dinner next week... UGH Need to research flavour trends again. I guessed right with salted caramel earlier this year. I vaguely recall something with mexican hints with dark chocolate coffee cinnamon caramel flavours. I have a cone of Mexican brown sugar infused with cinnamon and 2 new bottles of Mexican Vanilla.... I'll think on it and come up with a cake.  This is when I'd be flinging ideas at your head and you'd bounce some back and we'd come up with my next special :)

Ok, pills are making my head unable to string coherent thoughts together and my typing coordination is nil. I need to walk taboo to the bedroom with me lol

Love You Kenny
~anne

butterfly, star together. I'm OK!

My Kenny -

LOOK WHAT SHOWED UP! MY BUTTERFLY!

I'll be getting a thicker chain to wear them on - or maybe another thin chain to wear them separate but together at the same time. That might be the best option really. I think the star would look great on a choker ribbon. Next I'm going to look for one in a moonstone - Thanks to my sister for suggesting that, too! <3

Random playlist shuffle today... Just kinda going with the flow. Let's see where winamp takes us this day.

<VAST / NUDE / Be With Me> 

Have I ever mentioned how much I absolutely LOATHE going to the doctor? :) I've stumped the doctors yet again so their solution is to put me back on their stupid boring anti-inflammatory 'diet' again. I'm going to go bonkers! No dairy, no wheat, no sodium, no added sugars (whole fruit is ok this time, but not juice), no caffeine, no alcohol, no dyes, no OTC meds, no beef... etc etc etc. Basically, they have no idea again. 3 months of this... then new lab work unless I get worse *cries*

Official weight loss - #12 in 7 days... the depression and #spoonie diet. I don't recommend it.

Oh, and snip pieces of flesh from me again. They REALLY want to do that. I feel like a lab rat... I'm so tired of all of it. :/ They weren't big on explaining stuff today without consulting with "the others" so I'll probably get a phone call in a week or so. Guess I should be happy my doctors speak with each other...

<Peter Wohlert: Berlin Symphony Orchestra - Tchaikovsky: Sleeping Beauty Suite, Op. 66A - Introduction, La Fée Des Lilas>

I'm okay today. Well, right now anyhow... Sitting in my stupid paper gown with a paper sheet for warmth for 45 minutes this morning in a freezing room, waiting for the doctor to finally show up... Not so good. My toes turned blue waiting. I think I fell asleep for a bit, wishing you would show up and hold my hand. I had a new tech there today. What a space cadet... and she was sick and sniffling and rubbing her nose constantly. ICK NO TOUCHING THE UNEEEK ONE WITH ICKY GERMS!  I miss Miss Lisa. She didn't ask me the same questions over because of not writing down the answer the first time... and she always had a blanket for me...

Work told me not to come in cuz apparently half our shipments haven't made it yet from whatever still flooded area they are coming from. I get to go back tomorrow instead. So I did nothing all afternoon but play with Taboo and Dixie outside... Until it got too hot to make them run around ;) it's 104ºF out today... They are both snoozing under the fan now... 

<Lacuna Coil - Underworld: Evolution - Our Truth>

Am I crazy to write letters to you? Knowing that you probably aren't going to see them? But - just maybe you can feel what I am writing go out to you in some way... I wonder if your friends and family think I'm crazy. It's ok if they do. I have papers stating I really am so they wouldn't be assuming things :)

It does help my head. I can't talk to a shrink - I've tried. I always feel like they are judging me - and when they poke too deep, I can't talk about things - you know which 'things'. Besides, if they really knew what was in my head, I'd be back in the padded room with that loverly tight jacket on again and perma-IV drip of some mind numbing medication.

I just hope everyone understands how much we meant to each other. REALLY. The love went beyond the texting and phone calls... we had no reason to hide anything or tell lies. I don't think we got to all the little things yet, but I think we covered most all the major stuff. We talked about our depression, our past relationships, jobs, suicide attempts, love, important life experiences.

You made me laugh so hard some nights :)

Sick people don't have time to lie about anything with each other. To the rest of the world - yeah, we will lie, if needed. We will tell everyone we are fine because we know you probably really don't want to know how we are. Life is just PEACHY . works just fine for non-sick people. It's just the way it is, unfortunately. 

I knew when Kenny was throwing up all day long or bleeding from his stabbies, he knew when my hands curled into claws and my face went numb when my calcium levels dropped too low. Talking would be slurring numb lip mumblemuble, *BARRRRRRRF* sometimes. Or walk walk stumble fall down. We both went thru this daily.

<Alice Cooper / Trash / This Maniac's In Love With You >

It's now a good bit later....  I can't sleep - I took my pill, so things might get weird in a few minutes. It will be like reading my odd texts at 4 am! My arms and legs and my SCALP keep going numb. Who knows what THAT is from, but it's been happening off and on for a while now. I'm not even going to think about it.

Bf and his mom took me out to eat Chinese food for dinner. It's the first real meal I've eaten since you died. Don't look at me like that... I did eat a piece of a piece of chicken yesterday or the day before yesterday.... And after my doctor appointments today, I had a Cliff Bar... At least it was protein and some carbs... Kinda cardboardy. Not gonna make those a habit... Dinner was ok, but it didn't stay in long...

I miss our foodpr0n discussions and pictures. I tormented Kristina with them today from my collection of sweets that I've made ;) I'm so evil. You know me - contributing to the extreme obesity of Mississippi and Louisiana 5 years total now and kept them in the top spot for at least 3 of them.

<Paula Cole / This Fire / Nietzsche's Eyes>

Ok - you know how benadryl IV gave you a hot ass? One of my pills makes my entire body feel like fire for about 15 minutes. I haven't figured out which pill yet, but it's one of my night pills. Thanks to you, I now notice that odd side effect. Thanks Kenny.

Last song, Last CALL for Alcohol, closing up quickly. Wheeeeee! Ambien. Whew, ambien - you kicked ass tonight. Good Job! Here, have a fiber bar.

<Puscifer / V is for Vagina / REV 22:20>

I'm signing off on that song... 

Da UnEeEk one loves Kenny.... and Puscifer and VAST and LAM and NIN, but Kenny MOSTEST

bad day, miss you, weakness

Dear Kennyboy -

I'm having a really bad day without you. One of those days when I'd call you and ask you to just to talk - talk about anything until I was able to tell you what was wrong. I feel lost. 

Nothing interests me - other than writing letters to you. I can't focus on anything - but you being gone. My world is empty right now. I'm trying, really trying to deal with this, but... you know me. I won't ask anyone for help. 

< VAST/ Visual Audio Sensory Theater / Touched >

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcWE6jWSIi8

I really miss you and wish I could have at least been able to say goodbye and to tell you that I loved you one last time. I wish I would have called when you sent that last text to me about Hippy fixing your IV. It was the last one you got to send before you died. 

I wish I were there, just to have a few extra moments with you, to hold your hand and kiss your lips goodbye. I'd give most anything for another day.

< VAST / April / One More Day >

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jFS4iaEMMw

You sent a video message to me a few hours before that. I wonder if you knew when you sent that to me, that it would be the last one, and most important one to me, ever. It made me cry then, and it makes me cry now. I watched it, imagining we were together, face to face.

Remember these? My fortunes. It was on a day we both were feeling sad. They summed up what we believed in, hoped for and desired. It started a conversation when I got home about a true, deep love and hope.

< VAST/ Music for the People / We Will Meet Again >

< VAST / A Complete Demonstration / I Want to Take You There >

Your star came! It changes colors with the light. I had planned on sending it to you, but I can't now. So I'll wear and hold it for you and talk to you through it. My butterfly should be here Monday or Tuesday to wear with it. I'm debating if I want to put them on a chain or a choker or on a charm holder. I feel I'll need your stars and my butterflies to help deal with the pain I have inside.

My tears have dried once again. Maybe no one noticed I've been sitting here with tears silently streaming down my face.

I love you, Kenny. Please don't forget that.

< VAST / Visual Audio Sensory Theater / Flames >

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH0-R05pG80

Close your eyes,
Let me touch you now.
Let me give you something
That is real.

Close the door,
Leave your fears behind.
Let me give you
What you're giving me.

You are the only thing
That makes me want to live at all.

When I am with you,
There's no reason to pretend that
When I am with you,
I feel flames again

Just put me inside you,
I would never ever leave.
Just put me inside you,
I would never ever leave you.

~The Uneeek One

promise, pain, afraid

My Kennyboy, 

I'm hurting like hell tonight. My joints are screaming at me - particularly my knees and wrists. My pills aren't working. I did manage to, ummm, eat something today, I guess you could call it that. I had a couple mouthfuls of pasta before getting sick to my stomach and getting dizzy with pain. I laid on the floor next to my desk to keep from falling out of my chair. I can't get into my doctor's office until Tuesday and I can't bring myself to go to the bandaid station for help. I hate that place. They never know what's going on in there. They have no experience with people like me. I shoulda finished med school - maybe THEN they'd listen to me. Right now, they just assume I'm a hypochondriac and a pill seeker... Yeah, me... I hate taking the pills I need to live, let alone anything extra. 

I have my butterflies ready - when I finally lie down, they'll help send my pain away for a little while so I can rest a bit.

Glass wing butterfly - It looks like glitter!

I'll be ok. This is just a flare up, brought on by stress and overdoing things... and not sleeping, or eating right .... It just hurts. Everything hurts. 

I can feel my heart - th-th-thump, thumpthumpthump, th-thump... so erratic and not my normal slow 60 bpm. My little machine said it's at 97 bpm... and the little graph was jaggy all over the place. I've somehow managed to lose 10# this week. I borrowed the scale from Helen's room...

I did manage to get in the shower today, but I sat on the floor under the spray, to worn out to do anything else. The very acts of brushing my hair, and my teeth and undressing exhausted me. I fell asleep in the tub and awoke when the water ran cold and my lips and fingertips were blue. Taboo was whining at the bathroom door - I forgot to leave it cracked open for him to come in and lay on the mat in front of the tub. I told you, he's always at my side. I rescued him 5 years ago, he rescues me now.

You know it's hard to find a positive when one feels like shit. I know - I've been going through this pain crap for just about half my life or so now. It's caused me to nearly quit more than once. Three times I know for sure... The last 5 years have been pretty bad.

I made a promise to you - I won't quit.

You know me - I'm stubborn and hardheaded and faithful and loyal to a fault. A Capricorn through and through. I make a promise, I keep a promise.

Drewcifer made some homemade chocolate almond pudding, in an effort to cheer me up and get me to eat something. He's a good kid - a little lost, but he'll find his way. He's off college this week due to Isaac and the holiday weekend. He's my caramel junkie - if I make a dessert with homemade caramel in it, he's all over it and begging for stuff to do around the house to get a treat. Remember when he slashed his leg open cutting the grass? He got a whole milk chocolate and caramel buttercream filled cake for himself lol

The cats are being bad tonight. I can hear Callie and Booger clawing and throwing themselves against the base of the door to their room trying to get out and yowling over my headphones. I can't leave them out unattended all night - they'll tear shit up. My game mini figurines are not cat toys. I let them out all day in here and they are fine, come darkness and they turn into hellcats. I hate cats, but they are Helen's and she's at the B&B working a wedding this weekend, so they are stuck here... Maybe I'll chase them with the vacuum tomorrow... *evil grin*

I'm still missing you. Terribly missing you. I've stopped crying for the most part - but every once in a while, I get caught off guard. A song, a picture, sometimes just a word. My days just seem.... so grey sometimes.

Here's a secret - I'm afraid to stop hurting - afraid I'll forget 

all the little bits and pieces 

that made you - YOU and we - US. 

I'm afraid to fully let go of you.

Other than Stephen, I've never had anyone I truly loved, die.

Kristina and I have been texting a bunch - mostly about you, but some other things too. I told her about the tattoo I want... did I tell you the details yet? Probably not... Here goes - starting at my left hip and ending over my right shoulder - hands cupping butterflies and stars, (and maybe lips blowing - still debating that part) my purple green and blue butterfly whirlwind swirling up with your stars mixed in and with glitter raining down my lower back...your name and my sister's name entwined in the butterfly wings... and later I want a Cherokee rose for my family's Cherokee bluds and vampire teefs for my vampire bluds ;) I'll probably get a dream catcher and a mermaid (for happy) at some point. 

Zombie pills kicking in FINALLY.

Love you Kenny, come to bed.