maybes...

Dear Kennyboy <3

I can barely move tonight - the pain in my bones is pretty bad. I slept off and on most of the day and have now taken my 3rd pain pill along with my usual advil and aleve :( You know I have to be desperate to take my painkillers because I hate how they make me feel even more nauseated and dizzy than I already  normally feel. Nothing really works for the bone pain, I don't know why I even try to numb it. I borrowed your stars today to help deal with it. My butterflies were overwhelmed and couldn't get off the ground.

There's a buzzing in my head and it's driving me crazy because it's become more frequent in occurrence. My butterflies have never worked on that and the doctors haven't got a clue what it is or what's causing it or how to make it stop. It's like my brain is vibrating like a tuning fork... I used to just think it was something in the background - at work or wherever I was but no one else could hear it and just looked at me strangely when I would mention it. I hear/feel it everywhere I go now...

I really missed you today. It's been a month I think now since I last heard your voice live or had a text or email from you. I broke today and read the last 200 texts we had before you died... I cried. I wondered if you would have gone to the er if I had called you and asked you to go when you felt the infection spreading... Just more what if's and wonderings. I know I shouldn't question your death, and should just accept things and move on since I can't change any of what has happened... but you know how my stupid mind works - or doesn't work LOL.

I know I can't fix your being gone. I so would if I could. I'd move us back many years - oh 10 years or so, so we could have had a looooonger time together. Maybe those things wouldn't have happened to either of us to make us both hate parts of ourselves so much that we tried to erase ourselves from this life... maybe we both wouldn't have ended up with such broken scarred bodies and minds and ended relationships with those we loved. Maybe you'd still be here now, if I had been there then? I know we talked about that a few nights - if I would have appeared in your life years ago... how certain things would have been different. But - maybe it just would have prolonged the inevitable. That some things are just meant to happen no matter what and nothing will change them from occurring, they just get rewritten to a new time period. (Like in Final Destination?, just not with death only)

I need to lie down again. I'm dizzy and don't want to fall on the ceramic tile and crack my skull open (though maybe the buzzing in there would finally STOP).

I love you Kenny <3

~da uneeek one