Dear Kennyboy :)
I had an ok day today... I guess.
Work was pretty boring other than the oven repairman almost catching us on fire from a gas line leak and not being able to get to the shut off quick enough since it's behind immovable equipment. I ran out of busy work and started on my prep for Friday and pretty much have that done, too. I'll bake to fill time and avoid being sent home early. Can never have too many brownies or baby bundt cakes in the freezer.
I've been having bad dreams again. Really bad dreams. One recurring one - several times a week, about your death, which I don't want to talk about because I really hope it didn't happen like I keep dreaming. I hope you didn't suffer like that. Then I dreamed I died violently, again. I thought you weren't supposed to die in your own dreams? Why do *I* keep dying in mine? I had what I call my 9/11 dream - people jumping from tall, burning buildings and splattering on the sidewalk below and oblivious people just walking around the bodies on the ground like nothing is wrong. I've had this one since before 9/11 happened.
And I had my nearly endless, dark alleyway dream, with the walls lined with old circus posters of clowns, slowly changing into real clowns by the time I reach a doorway entering a room of locked file cabinets and dusty boxes surrounded by walls and chains. They taunt me to look inside them, saying if I don't, they'll hurt or take away someone I love. They've already taken away you... there's only one person left to hurt or take away...
I've already determined the files and boxes are the memories I've hidden away. When I was really little, I would pad lock and chain the bad things behind closed doors and build walls around them in my head to make them go away ;/ My walls - the very same ones you've always poked holes in and climbed through trying to help me deal with things in little pieces.
You know it's not a new topic for my dreams to feature or focus on blood, fire, death and the destruction of life. I don't tell too many people about my dreams because they find them extremely disturbing and then go on to tell me I have severe issues and need mental help. Really?
I woke up with Taboo staring at me, which either means he has to pee, or I was tossing and turning again.
The doctor won't refill my ambien anymore because I've had too many consecutive refills in a row :( I'll probably never sleep again unless I go back to taking klonopin. Then I would be in zombie mode all the time...
I miss you talking me into sleep. I miss you calling me and just letting me listen to your heart beating before sleeping. I miss having someone to talk to all night so I wouldn't have to sleep and dream.
I love you.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
sick, missing you, crying
Damnit Kenny!
I made it all day, then about an hour ago, I started crying. Just out of the blue. And not just tears. Full out crying. I'm trying to deal with this, really. I can be strong all day, but when I'm alone at night - I just can't do it. This used to be our time to chitchat and catch up on our day. When we'd send goofy pictures and have serious discussions and play ww/f all at the same time. When you'd tell me I was beautiful and that you loved me. When we'd come up with silly things to do with each other - like have a picnic on the living room floor at 4 am, or make sand castles on the beach, or colouring in colouring books.
This is very unlike me, all these tears. I usually only cry when I'm so angry I can't speak. I don't feel angry at you. Maybe I am. I don't really know. I don't want to be if I am - I don't think I really could be. I am upset that you're dead and I feel selfish for wanting you back just for me, even though you would be in pain. But I don't think I'm mad at you...
I am afraid I'll stop remembering all the silly little things... I'm still afraid to stop hurting inside but I also know I can't sit around all the time hoping and wishing for something that will never ever happen, unless you become a zombie or a vampire... This would be the perfect place to do that, ya know. New Orleans. Voodoo. Vampires. Crazy lifestyle. It's my turn to say it: "C'mere, c'mere, c'mere! You know you want to!"
 |
| You and your off-centered picture taking-ness :P |
I miss my Kenny - everything about you. I'd do most anything to have you back with me, but... pet sematary.... yeah. That would be my luck... You'd come back, but not be you. Then you'd eat my face off while wearing a creepy clown mask and stuff. :) and you know how I feel about CLOWNS! Ugh 2 Stephen King references in a row. AHHH!!!
Ok, I'm better. Kinda. Ok, not really. I'll get thru it. I'm just having a moment. I'm extra super hurty and stuck awake and I have no one to talk to anymore. Normal people sleep at night. We weren't normal :) Even with my extra strength ambien and other stuff I might 'sleep' 3-4 hours. Usually it's tossing and turning and feeling pain and having nightmares. I've never slept well. Even as a kid. I had night mares, night terrors, sleep walked and eventually I quit sleeping in high school for days at a time. Probably why I have such vivid dreams... I wonder if a sleep study could detect that. There's got to be one that measures dream activity.
I'm having horrible charlie horses in my calves - they make my feet curl up from the muscles and stuff getting so twisted up. I'll have bruises soon ;/ Those are always pretty. My knees are swelling and ache something awful. The joints in my fingers are getting more cyst things in them. They look like tons of mini ganglion cysts, but on my joints. I hit one today on the cooler door at work. Yeah, I had to go sit down for a minute with my hand on the floor of the freezer to numb it. "Where's ANNE?" "She's in the freezer!" "WHY?!" "She hurt her hand!" "Does she need to go to security?" "NO!!!! She hit one of those lump things on her fingers!"
In my job, going to security = drug test. I'll pass the stupid test - really. But - it takes an HOUR while they fill out paperwork, get the swab thing (and with my sjogrens I can't make spit hardly at all so it takes a REALLY long time to get enough in the stupid swab to test), take pictures of 'The INCIDENT Area' - they get all CSI on this stuff. I needed a bandaid one day after cutting my finger on an aluminum pie pan and someone saw me bleeding before I got my bandaid on (I keep a supply in my bag) and had security escort me to the office for the test. FOR A BANDAID. (I bleed like crazy from a few of my meds, so any medium hard bump against something=blud!). One hour and 26 sheets of paper later, I got my bandaid. It ended up being latex so I took it off as soon as I stopped bleeding and just used masking tape and a glove over my own personal latex frees...
I felt pukie all fucking day. Woke up dizzy and somehow managed to work feeling like the world was spinning backwards and sideways all day. Gwen's driving just about did me in on the way home from work tonight, though. I had my seatbelt off before she had fully stopped outside the house and flung the truck door open, jumped out and said Bye! and threw up on the street as she drove away. Then made it to the house and got inside and became pukie again because BF had been smoking stinky cigarettes while watching football.
Poor Taboo didn't know what was up. I closed the bathroom door on his nose on accident so I could kneel in front of the toilet for 30 minutes :( I never ignore the silly furface! We cuddled and played when I was done being sick.
How could I ignore this?
I think I'm just gonna lie here in the dark for a bit. Maybe I'll sleep. I'm hurty all over and I have this bad feeling they are going to put me on saute/fish station permanently. One because they know I can do it and I'm the only other one that CAN do it... and I'm a girl. The first girl ever to work that station since the place opened. I HATE SAUTE. I trained pastries and sweets, not fish... *sigh* well, maybe I'll get a raise.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA now that's a fantasy.
I love you Kenny. You always believed in me even when I didn't. Kinda why I said I'd learn that stupid fish station a few months ago. You kept saying you knew I could do it... DAMN YOU!
I love you. Come see me tonight and help me sleep and make me strong.
~Uneeek!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
butterfly, star together. I'm OK!
My Kenny -
Have I ever mentioned how much I absolutely LOATHE going to the doctor? :) I've stumped the doctors yet again so their solution is to put me back on their stupid boring anti-inflammatory 'diet' again. I'm going to go bonkers! No dairy, no wheat, no sodium, no added sugars (whole fruit is ok this time, but not juice), no caffeine, no alcohol, no dyes, no OTC meds, no beef... etc etc etc. Basically, they have no idea again. 3 months of this... then new lab work unless I get worse *cries*
Official weight loss - #12 in 7 days... the depression and #spoonie diet. I don't recommend it.
It's now a good bit later.... I can't sleep - I took my pill, so things might get weird in a few minutes. It will be like reading my odd texts at 4 am! My arms and legs and my SCALP keep going numb. Who knows what THAT is from, but it's been happening off and on for a while now. I'm not even going to think about it.
Bf and his mom took me out to eat Chinese food for dinner. It's the first real meal I've eaten since you died. Don't look at me like that... I did eat a piece of a piece of chicken yesterday or the day before yesterday.... And after my doctor appointments today, I had a Cliff Bar... At least it was protein and some carbs... Kinda cardboardy. Not gonna make those a habit... Dinner was ok, but it didn't stay in long...
I miss our foodpr0n discussions and pictures. I tormented Kristina with them today from my collection of sweets that I've made ;) I'm so evil. You know me - contributing to the extreme obesity of Mississippi and Louisiana 5 years total now and kept them in the top spot for at least 3 of them.
Ok - you know how benadryl IV gave you a hot ass? One of my pills makes my entire body feel like fire for about 15 minutes. I haven't figured out which pill yet, but it's one of my night pills. Thanks to you, I now notice that odd side effect. Thanks Kenny.
LOOK WHAT SHOWED UP! MY BUTTERFLY!
I'll be getting a thicker chain to wear them on - or maybe another thin chain to wear them separate but together at the same time. That might be the best option really. I think the star would look great on a choker ribbon. Next I'm going to look for one in a moonstone - Thanks to my sister for suggesting that, too! <3
Random playlist shuffle today... Just kinda going with the flow. Let's see where winamp takes us this day.
<VAST / NUDE / Be With Me>
Have I ever mentioned how much I absolutely LOATHE going to the doctor? :) I've stumped the doctors yet again so their solution is to put me back on their stupid boring anti-inflammatory 'diet' again. I'm going to go bonkers! No dairy, no wheat, no sodium, no added sugars (whole fruit is ok this time, but not juice), no caffeine, no alcohol, no dyes, no OTC meds, no beef... etc etc etc. Basically, they have no idea again. 3 months of this... then new lab work unless I get worse *cries*
Official weight loss - #12 in 7 days... the depression and #spoonie diet. I don't recommend it.
Oh, and snip pieces of flesh from me again. They REALLY want to do that. I feel like a lab rat... I'm so tired of all of it. :/ They weren't big on explaining stuff today without consulting with "the others" so I'll probably get a phone call in a week or so. Guess I should be happy my doctors speak with each other...
<Peter Wohlert: Berlin Symphony Orchestra - Tchaikovsky: Sleeping Beauty Suite, Op. 66A - Introduction, La Fée Des Lilas>
I'm okay today. Well, right now anyhow... Sitting in my stupid paper gown with a paper sheet for warmth for 45 minutes this morning in a freezing room, waiting for the doctor to finally show up... Not so good. My toes turned blue waiting. I think I fell asleep for a bit, wishing you would show up and hold my hand. I had a new tech there today. What a space cadet... and she was sick and sniffling and rubbing her nose constantly. ICK NO TOUCHING THE UNEEEK ONE WITH ICKY GERMS! I miss Miss Lisa. She didn't ask me the same questions over because of not writing down the answer the first time... and she always had a blanket for me...
Work told me not to come in cuz apparently half our shipments haven't made it yet from whatever still flooded area they are coming from. I get to go back tomorrow instead. So I did nothing all afternoon but play with Taboo and Dixie outside... Until it got too hot to make them run around ;) it's 104ºF out today... They are both snoozing under the fan now...
Work told me not to come in cuz apparently half our shipments haven't made it yet from whatever still flooded area they are coming from. I get to go back tomorrow instead. So I did nothing all afternoon but play with Taboo and Dixie outside... Until it got too hot to make them run around ;) it's 104ºF out today... They are both snoozing under the fan now...
<Lacuna Coil - Underworld: Evolution - Our Truth>
Am I crazy to write letters to you? Knowing that you probably aren't going to see them? But - just maybe you can feel what I am writing go out to you in some way... I wonder if your friends and family think I'm crazy. It's ok if they do. I have papers stating I really am so they wouldn't be assuming things :)
It does help my head. I can't talk to a shrink - I've tried. I always feel like they are judging me - and when they poke too deep, I can't talk about things - you know which 'things'. Besides, if they really knew what was in my head, I'd be back in the padded room with that loverly tight jacket on again and perma-IV drip of some mind numbing medication.
It does help my head. I can't talk to a shrink - I've tried. I always feel like they are judging me - and when they poke too deep, I can't talk about things - you know which 'things'. Besides, if they really knew what was in my head, I'd be back in the padded room with that loverly tight jacket on again and perma-IV drip of some mind numbing medication.
I just hope everyone understands how much we meant to each other. REALLY. The love went beyond the texting and phone calls... we had no reason to hide anything or tell lies. I don't think we got to all the little things yet, but I think we covered most all the major stuff. We talked about our depression, our past relationships, jobs, suicide attempts, love, important life experiences.
Sick people don't have time to lie about anything with each other. To the rest of the world - yeah, we will lie, if needed. We will tell everyone we are fine because we know you probably really don't want to know how we are. Life is just PEACHY . works just fine for non-sick people. It's just the way it is, unfortunately.
I knew when Kenny was throwing up all day long or bleeding from his stabbies, he knew when my hands curled into claws and my face went numb when my calcium levels dropped too low. Talking would be slurring numb lip mumblemuble, *BARRRRRRRF* sometimes. Or walk walk stumble fall down. We both went thru this daily.
 |
| You made me laugh so hard some nights :) |
Sick people don't have time to lie about anything with each other. To the rest of the world - yeah, we will lie, if needed. We will tell everyone we are fine because we know you probably really don't want to know how we are. Life is just PEACHY . works just fine for non-sick people. It's just the way it is, unfortunately.
I knew when Kenny was throwing up all day long or bleeding from his stabbies, he knew when my hands curled into claws and my face went numb when my calcium levels dropped too low. Talking would be slurring numb lip mumblemuble, *BARRRRRRRF* sometimes. Or walk walk stumble fall down. We both went thru this daily.
<Alice Cooper / Trash / This Maniac's In Love With You >
It's now a good bit later.... I can't sleep - I took my pill, so things might get weird in a few minutes. It will be like reading my odd texts at 4 am! My arms and legs and my SCALP keep going numb. Who knows what THAT is from, but it's been happening off and on for a while now. I'm not even going to think about it.
Bf and his mom took me out to eat Chinese food for dinner. It's the first real meal I've eaten since you died. Don't look at me like that... I did eat a piece of a piece of chicken yesterday or the day before yesterday.... And after my doctor appointments today, I had a Cliff Bar... At least it was protein and some carbs... Kinda cardboardy. Not gonna make those a habit... Dinner was ok, but it didn't stay in long...
I miss our foodpr0n discussions and pictures. I tormented Kristina with them today from my collection of sweets that I've made ;) I'm so evil. You know me - contributing to the extreme obesity of Mississippi and Louisiana 5 years total now and kept them in the top spot for at least 3 of them.
<Paula Cole / This Fire / Nietzsche's Eyes>
Ok - you know how benadryl IV gave you a hot ass? One of my pills makes my entire body feel like fire for about 15 minutes. I haven't figured out which pill yet, but it's one of my night pills. Thanks to you, I now notice that odd side effect. Thanks Kenny.
Last song, Last CALL for Alcohol, closing up quickly. Wheeeeee! Ambien. Whew, ambien - you kicked ass tonight. Good Job! Here, have a fiber bar.
<Puscifer / V is for Vagina / REV 22:20>
I'm signing off on that song...
Da UnEeEk one loves Kenny.... and Puscifer and VAST and LAM and NIN, but Kenny MOSTEST
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
love, crazy, lost
My Kenny <3
I love you.
Your star crystal is stunning. I've just been looking at it in different lighting - and wishing for something that won't ever come true... I decided short chain for it and my butterfly. A choker would bug the hell out of me at work with my chef's jacket, even though they would look best right up in the hollow of my throat - right above my scars.
I had a dream about you this morning. You were on the beach, smiling and playing in the sand in a misty rain. You held your hand out to me and said: "I'll wait forever for you. I'm patient." Of course, now it makes me cry, but this morning - it made me smile. I hope you will be there when I get there. We can build sand castles and look for shells. You wanted to bring the good parts back to me and try to wipe out the bad things that happened, remember? The bad parts made you cry. You wanted to show me what love is supposed to be.
I had a better day today. I guess. No tears til now - I've had people over all day so I had to pretend everything was fine. You know me, the Great Pretender. "Oh hey, yeah everything is fine, Great even. Life is peachy." I say "Everything's just peachy" so much, that Peachy become my nickname. I've learned to let tears fall without wiping or blinking them back - keeps the eyes from getting too red and puffy. Though - the red makes my green and gold irises stand out super well.
I'm still listless and staring off into space a lot. Playing ww/f doesn't interest me anymore since my favourite partner is gone. I still can't sleep (normal for 38 years) and I have no one to text at 3 am anymore. I can't pay attention enough to read anything. I don't want to bug your friends with my endless texting since I don't watch tv or go out places anymore. Sad, I'm already ON anti-depression meds. they'll probably add another for a few months... blech, more pills.
I'm trying to get past this and live life. But I miss you. It's hard. You've been my constant 24/7 companion for 10 months... Who's going to "get me" now and understand how fucked up I really am in my head without me having to explain everything in details? You knew - you've been there. You understood the pain and blood and hating and sick and pills, the puking, the dizziness. You understood the darkness living inside my head. You understood my weird, sick, morbid and disturbing sense of humor and fascination with the very things that disgust or put fear into 99% of people. Who else wants to WATCH their OWN surgeries happen, besides you and me?
I finally found someone that I could be me with and he goes off and dies on me. :/ I still love you, though.
My own boyfriend thinks I am insane, most times. If we even speak during the day. Lately, we don't even do that - you know that's been going on for a while though. Everything is just off more than usual. I can't explain it. I can't even get a kiss or hug goodnight or good morning. Though he does get a cookie for giving me a half of a hug and saying he was sorry when he finally realized I wasn't in the room anymore and had gone to the back room to cry at the news of your death. It only took him 45 minutes to notice that I wasn't sitting 2 feet away anymore.
I go to the doctor again tomorrow. I haven't been able to eat anyhow, so the 12 hours fasting beforehand isn't a problem. The weight loss this week will be. If I wear jeans and my boots and one of my heavier t-shirts, it won't be so noticeable... Hush, I know. This doctor is the one that bitches about everything I do, right or wrong. I know, I know. Reverting back to old anorexia habits to fool the school nurse lol I think I can get him to up my Xanax for a temporary time til I get over this. Just a few weeks.
I'm so tired of tests and being poked and stabbed and biopsied. They want to schedule an appointment to take pieces of my muscle tissue now to test for mixed connective tissue disease ;/ and maybe change my lupus diagnosis... the treatment is the same - same meds and all, so it doesn't really matter other than for insurance purposes, not that I'll be able to get any if I ever lose what I little insurance have through work. Too many things wrong with me now. They still want to poke and snip pieces from my liver and uterus and stab my spinal column and take images of my brain, but I just can't bear that yet. I'm so sick of being sick. 18 years so far of officially keeping track with doctor visits. I have so many conclusive for sure diagnoses now, that I really don't want any more of them.
Seriously - bi-polar, meniere's disease, porphyria, lupus, sjogrens, osteomalacia or osteopenia i forget which, hypocalcemia, ibs, neutropenia, pernicious anemia, pcos, endometriosis, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, ulcers, osteoarthritis, graves disease, hashimotos thyroiditis, raynaulds phenomenon, migraines. there's more but I'm tired of looking at what's wrong with me.. Is adding another really going to make a difference? The med's to help me also kill me, slowly. Shoulda taken the kidney I offered earlier, old man, in a few more years, they'll be useless to me too. :) :( Then we coulda shared chair 3 lol
I go back to work tomorrow too... Joy. Back to the idiot compound. Isaac screwed up the wood floors in the restaurant. Well, duh. We've only been telling them for 5 years now the windows leak in a normal rain storm. What did they expect with a Cat1 Hurricane with 75+MPH winds and 17 inches of rain??? Not sure where I'm at tomorrow. Might get stuck in utter and complete idiot hell - the buffet... Might get lucky and be able to stay in my fancy place and bake. I don't feel like it - but I have an idea for a lemon curd filled cake with white chocolate buttercream and swiss broyage (thin, crisp baked meringue layers) and candied whole lemon slices that look like yellow stained glass... Dunno. It's technically easy, looks awesome but all the components are individually time consuming... My desire is gone right now. But I already know I'm going to be asked to make something special for the "reopening".
I have got to attempt sleep. It's going to be a long stressing day for me... doctor for who knows how many hours then work right after. I was supposed to go to work at 10 am, but that's when my appointment is so I told them I'd show up when I showed up. It's too hard to reschedule doctor appointments when it already takes 6 months to get one.... and I'm normally off on Tuesdays - so I always schedule doctors for Tuesday.
I love you. Come help me sleep.
~The crazy one
I love you.
Your star crystal is stunning. I've just been looking at it in different lighting - and wishing for something that won't ever come true... I decided short chain for it and my butterfly. A choker would bug the hell out of me at work with my chef's jacket, even though they would look best right up in the hollow of my throat - right above my scars.
I had a dream about you this morning. You were on the beach, smiling and playing in the sand in a misty rain. You held your hand out to me and said: "I'll wait forever for you. I'm patient." Of course, now it makes me cry, but this morning - it made me smile. I hope you will be there when I get there. We can build sand castles and look for shells. You wanted to bring the good parts back to me and try to wipe out the bad things that happened, remember? The bad parts made you cry. You wanted to show me what love is supposed to be.
I had a better day today. I guess. No tears til now - I've had people over all day so I had to pretend everything was fine. You know me, the Great Pretender. "Oh hey, yeah everything is fine, Great even. Life is peachy." I say "Everything's just peachy" so much, that Peachy become my nickname. I've learned to let tears fall without wiping or blinking them back - keeps the eyes from getting too red and puffy. Though - the red makes my green and gold irises stand out super well.
I'm still listless and staring off into space a lot. Playing ww/f doesn't interest me anymore since my favourite partner is gone. I still can't sleep (normal for 38 years) and I have no one to text at 3 am anymore. I can't pay attention enough to read anything. I don't want to bug your friends with my endless texting since I don't watch tv or go out places anymore. Sad, I'm already ON anti-depression meds. they'll probably add another for a few months... blech, more pills.
I'm trying to get past this and live life. But I miss you. It's hard. You've been my constant 24/7 companion for 10 months... Who's going to "get me" now and understand how fucked up I really am in my head without me having to explain everything in details? You knew - you've been there. You understood the pain and blood and hating and sick and pills, the puking, the dizziness. You understood the darkness living inside my head. You understood my weird, sick, morbid and disturbing sense of humor and fascination with the very things that disgust or put fear into 99% of people. Who else wants to WATCH their OWN surgeries happen, besides you and me?
I finally found someone that I could be me with and he goes off and dies on me. :/ I still love you, though.
My own boyfriend thinks I am insane, most times. If we even speak during the day. Lately, we don't even do that - you know that's been going on for a while though. Everything is just off more than usual. I can't explain it. I can't even get a kiss or hug goodnight or good morning. Though he does get a cookie for giving me a half of a hug and saying he was sorry when he finally realized I wasn't in the room anymore and had gone to the back room to cry at the news of your death. It only took him 45 minutes to notice that I wasn't sitting 2 feet away anymore.
I go to the doctor again tomorrow. I haven't been able to eat anyhow, so the 12 hours fasting beforehand isn't a problem. The weight loss this week will be. If I wear jeans and my boots and one of my heavier t-shirts, it won't be so noticeable... Hush, I know. This doctor is the one that bitches about everything I do, right or wrong. I know, I know. Reverting back to old anorexia habits to fool the school nurse lol I think I can get him to up my Xanax for a temporary time til I get over this. Just a few weeks.
I'm so tired of tests and being poked and stabbed and biopsied. They want to schedule an appointment to take pieces of my muscle tissue now to test for mixed connective tissue disease ;/ and maybe change my lupus diagnosis... the treatment is the same - same meds and all, so it doesn't really matter other than for insurance purposes, not that I'll be able to get any if I ever lose what I little insurance have through work. Too many things wrong with me now. They still want to poke and snip pieces from my liver and uterus and stab my spinal column and take images of my brain, but I just can't bear that yet. I'm so sick of being sick. 18 years so far of officially keeping track with doctor visits. I have so many conclusive for sure diagnoses now, that I really don't want any more of them.
Seriously - bi-polar, meniere's disease, porphyria, lupus, sjogrens, osteomalacia or osteopenia i forget which, hypocalcemia, ibs, neutropenia, pernicious anemia, pcos, endometriosis, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, ulcers, osteoarthritis, graves disease, hashimotos thyroiditis, raynaulds phenomenon, migraines. there's more but I'm tired of looking at what's wrong with me.. Is adding another really going to make a difference? The med's to help me also kill me, slowly. Shoulda taken the kidney I offered earlier, old man, in a few more years, they'll be useless to me too. :) :( Then we coulda shared chair 3 lol
I go back to work tomorrow too... Joy. Back to the idiot compound. Isaac screwed up the wood floors in the restaurant. Well, duh. We've only been telling them for 5 years now the windows leak in a normal rain storm. What did they expect with a Cat1 Hurricane with 75+MPH winds and 17 inches of rain??? Not sure where I'm at tomorrow. Might get stuck in utter and complete idiot hell - the buffet... Might get lucky and be able to stay in my fancy place and bake. I don't feel like it - but I have an idea for a lemon curd filled cake with white chocolate buttercream and swiss broyage (thin, crisp baked meringue layers) and candied whole lemon slices that look like yellow stained glass... Dunno. It's technically easy, looks awesome but all the components are individually time consuming... My desire is gone right now. But I already know I'm going to be asked to make something special for the "reopening".
I have got to attempt sleep. It's going to be a long stressing day for me... doctor for who knows how many hours then work right after. I was supposed to go to work at 10 am, but that's when my appointment is so I told them I'd show up when I showed up. It's too hard to reschedule doctor appointments when it already takes 6 months to get one.... and I'm normally off on Tuesdays - so I always schedule doctors for Tuesday.
I love you. Come help me sleep.
~The crazy one
Sunday, September 2, 2012
bad day, miss you, weakness
I'm having a really bad day without you. One of those days when I'd call you and ask you to just to talk - talk about anything until I was able to tell you what was wrong. I feel lost.
Nothing interests me - other than writing letters to you. I can't focus on anything - but you being gone. My world is empty right now. I'm trying, really trying to deal with this, but... you know me. I won't ask anyone for help.
< VAST/ Visual Audio Sensory Theater / Touched >
I really miss you and wish I could have at least been able to say goodbye and to tell you that I loved you one last time. I wish I would have called when you sent that last text to me about Hippy fixing your IV. It was the last one you got to send before you died.
I wish I were there, just to have a few extra moments with you, to hold your hand and kiss your lips goodbye. I'd give most anything for another day.
< VAST / April / One More Day >
You sent a video message to me a few hours before that. I wonder if you knew when you sent that to me, that it would be the last one, and most important one to me, ever. It made me cry then, and it makes me cry now. I watched it, imagining we were together, face to face.
< VAST/ Music for the People / We Will Meet Again >
< VAST / A Complete Demonstration / I Want to Take You There >
Your star came! It changes colors with the light. I had planned on sending it to you, but I can't now. So I'll wear and hold it for you and talk to you through it. My butterfly should be here Monday or Tuesday to wear with it. I'm debating if I want to put them on a chain or a choker or on a charm holder. I feel I'll need your stars and my butterflies to help deal with the pain I have inside.
My tears have dried once again. Maybe no one noticed I've been sitting here with tears silently streaming down my face.
I love you, Kenny. Please don't forget that.
< VAST / Visual Audio Sensory Theater / Flames >
Close your eyes,
Let me touch you now.
Let me give you something
That is real.
Close the door,
Leave your fears behind.
Let me give you
What you're giving me.
You are the only thing
That makes me want to live at all.
When I am with you,
There's no reason to pretend that
When I am with you,
I feel flames again
Just put me inside you,
I would never ever leave.
Just put me inside you,
I would never ever leave you.
Let me touch you now.
Let me give you something
That is real.
Close the door,
Leave your fears behind.
Let me give you
What you're giving me.
You are the only thing
That makes me want to live at all.
When I am with you,
There's no reason to pretend that
When I am with you,
I feel flames again
Just put me inside you,
I would never ever leave.
Just put me inside you,
I would never ever leave you.
~The Uneeek One
the beginning.
 |
 |
Remember this day, Kenny? It was October 29, 2011.
I asked over twitter for someone to play words w/ friends with me. You asked - what's that? I said it was like scrabble. You said you were intrigued and started a game with me.
While we were playing words w/ friends, you said you were sick and you needed someone to talk to and posted your phone number. I said I was sick, too. I was nervous, but decided it was okay and sent a Hi!
It was our first text message. You asked if I would send a picture if you sent one. I said ok but please don't be creepy and send pictures of your penis lol. You sent this and I sent that, and then we were friends and no longer strangers over the internet.
I asked if you were a #spoonie due to your esrd and copd and you asked What's a spoonie?, so I told you what the spoon signifies. You read the The Spoon Theory. I introduced you to #spoonie on twitter and gave you more outlets and information and places to vent and ask for help. We became closer friends.
We played endless games of ww/f and you would send me tons of your "this or that" texts. - waffles or pancakes. red or black. hot or cold. coffee or tea. etc etc After a few days, you said it was no longer a game and that you really wanted to know the answers to the questions - and the whys of the answers. Our conversations turned from silly and frivolous to serious, deep discussions of life, sickness, suicide, family, drugs, drinking, crazy, self hatred and self destruction, depression, past experiences, music, art, hopes and dreams. We found we were a lot alike. Best friend status was rapidly approaching.
<Aerosmith / Get a Grip / Amazing>
I love you very much. I've been thinking about how we met a lot. I'm glad our paths crossed, Kenny. I miss you a terrible amount. Your name still shows up first in my quick list for texting and most dialed phone calls. It always will be.
~Your Uneeek One
Saturday, September 1, 2012
promise, pain, afraid
My Kennyboy,
I'm hurting like hell tonight. My joints are screaming at me - particularly my knees and wrists. My pills aren't working. I did manage to, ummm, eat something today, I guess you could call it that. I had a couple mouthfuls of pasta before getting sick to my stomach and getting dizzy with pain. I laid on the floor next to my desk to keep from falling out of my chair. I can't get into my doctor's office until Tuesday and I can't bring myself to go to the bandaid station for help. I hate that place. They never know what's going on in there. They have no experience with people like me. I shoulda finished med school - maybe THEN they'd listen to me. Right now, they just assume I'm a hypochondriac and a pill seeker... Yeah, me... I hate taking the pills I need to live, let alone anything extra.
I have my butterflies ready - when I finally lie down, they'll help send my pain away for a little while so I can rest a bit.
I'll be ok. This is just a flare up, brought on by stress and overdoing things... and not sleeping, or eating right .... It just hurts. Everything hurts.
I can feel my heart - th-th-thump, thumpthumpthump, th-thump... so erratic and not my normal slow 60 bpm. My little machine said it's at 97 bpm... and the little graph was jaggy all over the place. I've somehow managed to lose 10# this week. I borrowed the scale from Helen's room...
I did manage to get in the shower today, but I sat on the floor under the spray, to worn out to do anything else. The very acts of brushing my hair, and my teeth and undressing exhausted me. I fell asleep in the tub and awoke when the water ran cold and my lips and fingertips were blue. Taboo was whining at the bathroom door - I forgot to leave it cracked open for him to come in and lay on the mat in front of the tub. I told you, he's always at my side. I rescued him 5 years ago, he rescues me now.
You know it's hard to find a positive when one feels like shit. I know - I've been going through this pain crap for just about half my life or so now. It's caused me to nearly quit more than once. Three times I know for sure... The last 5 years have been pretty bad.
I'm hurting like hell tonight. My joints are screaming at me - particularly my knees and wrists. My pills aren't working. I did manage to, ummm, eat something today, I guess you could call it that. I had a couple mouthfuls of pasta before getting sick to my stomach and getting dizzy with pain. I laid on the floor next to my desk to keep from falling out of my chair. I can't get into my doctor's office until Tuesday and I can't bring myself to go to the bandaid station for help. I hate that place. They never know what's going on in there. They have no experience with people like me. I shoulda finished med school - maybe THEN they'd listen to me. Right now, they just assume I'm a hypochondriac and a pill seeker... Yeah, me... I hate taking the pills I need to live, let alone anything extra.
I have my butterflies ready - when I finally lie down, they'll help send my pain away for a little while so I can rest a bit.
 |
| Glass wing butterfly - It looks like glitter! |
I'll be ok. This is just a flare up, brought on by stress and overdoing things... and not sleeping, or eating right .... It just hurts. Everything hurts.
I can feel my heart - th-th-thump, thumpthumpthump, th-thump... so erratic and not my normal slow 60 bpm. My little machine said it's at 97 bpm... and the little graph was jaggy all over the place. I've somehow managed to lose 10# this week. I borrowed the scale from Helen's room...
I did manage to get in the shower today, but I sat on the floor under the spray, to worn out to do anything else. The very acts of brushing my hair, and my teeth and undressing exhausted me. I fell asleep in the tub and awoke when the water ran cold and my lips and fingertips were blue. Taboo was whining at the bathroom door - I forgot to leave it cracked open for him to come in and lay on the mat in front of the tub. I told you, he's always at my side. I rescued him 5 years ago, he rescues me now.
You know it's hard to find a positive when one feels like shit. I know - I've been going through this pain crap for just about half my life or so now. It's caused me to nearly quit more than once. Three times I know for sure... The last 5 years have been pretty bad.
I made a promise to you - I won't quit.
You know me - I'm stubborn and hardheaded and faithful and loyal to a fault. A Capricorn through and through. I make a promise, I keep a promise.
Drewcifer made some homemade chocolate almond pudding, in an effort to cheer me up and get me to eat something. He's a good kid - a little lost, but he'll find his way. He's off college this week due to Isaac and the holiday weekend. He's my caramel junkie - if I make a dessert with homemade caramel in it, he's all over it and begging for stuff to do around the house to get a treat. Remember when he slashed his leg open cutting the grass? He got a whole milk chocolate and caramel buttercream filled cake for himself lol
The cats are being bad tonight. I can hear Callie and Booger clawing and throwing themselves against the base of the door to their room trying to get out and yowling over my headphones. I can't leave them out unattended all night - they'll tear shit up. My game mini figurines are not cat toys. I let them out all day in here and they are fine, come darkness and they turn into hellcats. I hate cats, but they are Helen's and she's at the B&B working a wedding this weekend, so they are stuck here... Maybe I'll chase them with the vacuum tomorrow... *evil grin*
I'm still missing you. Terribly missing you. I've stopped crying for the most part - but every once in a while, I get caught off guard. A song, a picture, sometimes just a word. My days just seem.... so grey sometimes.
Here's a secret - I'm afraid to stop hurting - afraid I'll forget
all the little bits and pieces
that made you - YOU and we - US.
I'm afraid to fully let go of you.
Other than Stephen, I've never had anyone I truly loved, die.
Kristina and I have been texting a bunch - mostly about you, but some other things too. I told her about the tattoo I want... did I tell you the details yet? Probably not... Here goes - starting at my left hip and ending over my right shoulder - hands cupping butterflies and stars, (and maybe lips blowing - still debating that part) my purple green and blue butterfly whirlwind swirling up with your stars mixed in and with glitter raining down my lower back...your name and my sister's name entwined in the butterfly wings... and later I want a Cherokee rose for my family's Cherokee bluds and vampire teefs for my vampire bluds ;) I'll probably get a dream catcher and a mermaid (for happy) at some point.
Zombie pills kicking in FINALLY.
Love you Kenny, come to bed.
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