nightmares, death, sleep

Dear Kennyboy :)

I had an ok day today... I guess.

Work was pretty boring other than the oven repairman almost catching us on fire from a gas line leak and not being able to get to the shut off quick enough since it's behind immovable equipment. I ran out of busy work and started on my prep for Friday and pretty much have that done, too. I'll bake to fill time and avoid being sent home early. Can never have too many brownies or baby bundt cakes in the freezer.

I've been having bad dreams again. Really bad dreams. One recurring one - several times a week, about your death, which I don't want to talk about because I really hope it didn't happen like I keep dreaming. I hope you didn't suffer like that. Then I dreamed I died violently, again. I thought you weren't supposed to die in your own dreams? Why do *I* keep dying in mine? I had what I call my 9/11 dream - people jumping from tall, burning buildings and splattering on the sidewalk below and oblivious people just walking around the bodies on the ground like nothing is wrong. I've had this one since before 9/11 happened.

And I had my nearly endless, dark alleyway dream, with the walls lined with old circus posters of clowns, slowly changing into real clowns by the time I reach a doorway entering a room of locked file cabinets and dusty boxes surrounded by walls and chains. They taunt me to look inside them, saying if I don't, they'll hurt or take away someone I love. They've already taken away you... there's only one person left to hurt or take away...

I've already determined the files and boxes are the memories I've hidden away. When I was really little, I would pad lock and chain the bad things behind closed doors and build walls around them in my head to make them go away ;/ My walls - the very same ones you've always poked holes in and climbed through trying to help me deal with things in little pieces.

You know it's not a new topic for my dreams to feature or focus on blood, fire, death and the destruction of life. I don't tell too many people about my dreams because they find them extremely disturbing and then go on to tell me I have severe issues and need mental help. Really?

I woke up with Taboo staring at me, which either means he has to pee, or I was tossing and turning again.

The doctor won't refill my ambien anymore because I've had too many consecutive refills in a row :( I'll probably never sleep again unless I go back to taking klonopin. Then I would be in zombie mode all the time...

I miss you talking me into sleep. I miss you calling me and just letting me listen to your heart beating before sleeping. I miss having someone to talk to all night so I wouldn't have to sleep and dream.

I love you.