tears, protection

My Silly Lovie Kenny Boy <3

I hope you are doing ok up in the stars. I really miss you and wish you hadn't left yet, but I understand. I'm doing ok most of the time. I still find myself in tears at night during "our time". I will totally admit to crying when I start every single one of my letters to you, but by the end of my time with you each night, I'm usually dry eyed and more calm. Usually, not always. I'll get there. Promise.

< Black Label Society / 1919 Eternal / Bridge to Cross >

...My spirit is bent and there's blood on my hands

The more I'm down, the less I understand

Once so found, now so lost

I ask no questions, it's just one more bridge to cross...

I don't need the Xanax to get through my days now and have been trying to not use it much at all. I need to work this out in my head and heart on my own, I guess. You know me - I'm stubborn and hard headed. I'll deal and get through. I've made it this far now. I rely on whispering to your star a lot when I'm sitting here alone in the dark. I imagine you whispering back that everything will be all right soon. You don't know how much I wish that to be true. I've never had my heart ache so much or shed so many tears before. I miss you!

I truly hope you are waiting for me, out there, somewhere.

< VAST/ Seattle 2007 / Flames (Seattle acoustic) >

...You are the only thing

That makes me want to live at all...

This is easily one of my most favourite songs - VAST/Flames. Aren't you glad I got you to listen to them? This version (acoustic) of Flames is so sad sounding, but it's really not a sad song. It's a song about learning to love and feel again. It's how you made me feel. I think I did the same for you.

I still dream of you every night - sometimes it's of you dying. Sometimes it's just one of our text conversations played out in movie form - with us speaking face to face instead of texting on our phones. I will wake up from those with a smile, but then, I cry when I realize it was only a dream and that it will never happen. 

I'm probably crazy. I'll pinkyswear you were here the other night, brushing a stray strand of hair off my face. I caught a shadow out of the corner of my eye right before I felt the hair move, but when I turned to look, the shadow was gone, of course. Maybe it was you, maybe it was the ceiling fan moving my hair, maybe the shadow was one of my weird eyeball floater thingies. I don't know. 

You know what I believe in. You know I believe in the afterlife and the spirit worlds. You know I believe in 'ghosts'. You know I believe in what my dreams show me. I could easily believe it was you coming to watch over me. You always said you would protect me and keep me safe while you were alive, so it's not hard to believe you would after death, as well.

< Nine Inch Nails / The Fragile (left) / The Fragile >

She shines

In a world full of ugliness

She matters when everything is meaningless

Fragile

She doesn't see her beauty

She tries to get away

Sometimes

It's just that nothing seems worth saving

I can't watch her slip away

I won't let you fall apart

She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by

Hoping someone can see

If I could fix myself I'd - but it's too late for me

I wont let you fall apart

We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide

I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side

...but they keep waiting

...and picking...

It's something I have to do

I was there, too

Before everything else

I was like you

Taboo and his giant cow bone

I brought Taboo home a treat from work. A super giant beef steamship bone. I'm sure he thought he was in doggie heaven. He literally gnawed on it for 2 hours straight. He's now passed out asleep on the sofa with his paws twitching and snoring. I bet he wakes up with sore jaws in the morning.

I need to go lie down. My lower back still aches and today I couldn't pee, there wasn't any even though I drank a half gallon of water today ;/ Yes, I know... I'll be ok. 

I love you :)

I'm OK...

Dear Kenny <3

I'm OK. I miss you. I love you.

Kelly picked up your ashes and a few belongings from your apartment to send to me :/ I know when I receive them I am going to totally lose control and cry. I still keep expecting a text or phone call from you... I guess this will give me closure that you aren't coming back ever. Damnit Kenny.

One of the cats has decided to live in a Dogfood box on the gaming table. The cat growls at taboo from across the room lol

I still can't eat much or do much of anything without getting dizzy or feeling nauseated. Showering exhausts me. Working hurts. Lying down hurts my joints. Standing makes the room spin and tilt. I can't sleep. I stay up all night and nap for a couple hours when I see sunlight before I go to work.

I can't quit. I promised you I wouldn't.

I love you.

RAWR!

Kennylove <3

I had a better day today... A long and BORING day, but it was better. Besides Sunday, when we had a total of 9 guests for the entire shift... today I had to be around political people... lol

Everyone loved the banana's foster bread pudding I made for the governor's book signing. The Casino COO said he loves it when I show off for his friends LOL *sigh* Wasn't really showing off, I just combined 2 traditional local southern dishes together. It is nice to be appreciated at work, though. He always thanks me personally for making something special for him and his wife when they come in to eat. It's embarrassing for me when he does it in the middle of the dining room in front of guests and takes me around to tables, introducing me to them... I'm shy! I prefer to hide in my pastry dungeon... out of sight of the guests. Don't let them see the sickly uneeek one with the smirk!

The Kennyboy

Miss Smirkiness

The new F&B Director tried the dessert and his eyes got all big. He started calling people over to come try it. *ack* I wanted to crawl under the table. Seriously. 

I sent a long email to Marsi... I hope it wasn't too rambly. You know how I get when I can't sleep and am in pain... and stressed out... I was crying when I started it, but much calmer by the time I finished it. I miss you so much :( I hope Kelly can find the things of yours I want... 

It's 3 am and there is a bird outside making noise. It might be the mockingbird that torments Taboo by making a noise like one of his squeakers...

I couldn't find anything to take a picture of today :( I really didn't have a chance to look. I slept about 2 hours last night. got up, took bf to work, came home and played with the dogs outside, then we all came in and I took a nap before going to work for 10 hours... 10 long boring hours. Then I came home and put my fuzzy purple pj pants on with the leopard print and ate part of a sandwich while writing Marsi and texting Kristina and my sister and my cousin.

My muscles and bones ache - especially in my lower back - that weird bruising has appeared again there... The weather is getting cooler. It was 65 this morning when I got up. It makes me want hot cocoa, coffee and fresh baked bread. Then a fuzzy blanket and a cozy chair and a nap.

Sophia got to eat her first food today... rice cereal goo lol and she's learned Peek-A-Boo and covers her head up with the blanket. She's learned that rolling over gets her places - so I imagine she'll be crawling or scooting around soon. My sister sends me lots of pictures and videos so it's almost like being there.

I'm going to attempt sleeping for a few hours... work another 10 hour shift tomorrow...

RAWR!

~The Smirky One

jealousy, pain

Dear Kenny <3

I'm having a rough night so far. 

I have an irrational feeling of jealousy of everyone that was a part of your life at any time, and got to talk to you and touch you and be around you. It's just stupid to feel like this. This is a foreign feeling for me. I don't know how to handle it. It upsets me.

Bf's mom is insisting I go to the hospital in Louisiana... I don't know when yet. I don't really want to go. I don't think I want to know what else is wrong with me... Don't I already have enough? They *do* have an awesome transplant team, though. The DaVita center is right there, too... Yes, I was looking into info on everything so I could take care of you when I got there. I told you, I like to be prepared and I like learning medical stuff. I'm just tired of MY medical stuff.

I have to try sleeping. I have to work in the morning and I don't feel well. 

I love you.

silly little happies, broken, bugs

My Crazy Kennyboy <3

I broke today at work when Marsi sent her email... It made me so sad. It answered a couple questions I had though. I was hoping for different answers than I received, but...

Thankfully, no one noticed the tears at work and I quickly hid them away until I clocked out and got home. Damnit Kenny. Stop making me cry now. It makes my nose run and gives me a migraine :( 

I picked up an extra 10 hr shift this week. Private party for Gov. Edwards. Blech. You know how I hate politics... It's on Tuesday - our text all day and night marathon day while you had dialysis :(  Never thought I'd miss your 'ClearOnThree' texts to let  me know you were getting your bluds scrubbied :(

Kenny getting his bluds scrubbied at dialysis
ClearOnThree

I have to find something to do to take up the 'free' time I have now so I'd stop living in and wishing for the past. If I stayed home all alone I'll just make myself upset by listening to your voicemails and videos and looking at pictures over and over. I'm sorry. I don't think you'd like me sitting here and moping and crying all the time - you hated me being sad or upset. You'd want me to be happy you're free and pain free and you'd want me to move on with my life so I'd have good stories to tell you later when we meet again. You better be waiting for me over there. We still have a lot to discover!

I'm trying. It's hard, Kenny. I can't explain. You were my life. I spent so much time trying to get YOU to see all the little silly tiny happies in the world that with you not here with me, it's hard for ME to find them for myself again. Maybe I don't want to find them now. Who's going to appreciate them besides you and me?? 

 

a slug under my door. No I didn't eat it...

weird bug. no I didn't eat it either...

me: "Hey! I found a cicada exoskeleton, wiggly slug, cricket, weird bug....!"

everyone else: "EW!"

you: "NEAT! Take a picture then... Let's eat it! or LICK IT!"

me: "OK! YUM!"

everyone else: "YOU ARE SO DISGUSTING!"

See? Who's gonna be weird with me now? 

I need to lie down. I've not been feeling well this week. The dizzyspinnypukie feelings aren't going away and I don't know what else to try :( I don't want to see the doctor again... Great now I sound like you.

I love you sillyboy.

~The Uneeek One

Love

Dear my kennyboy,

Rough day today but I held it together somehow. I so miss you and our phonecalls and texts...

I miss having you wake me up by calling me in the mornings just to tell me I was beautiful and that you loved me and for me to go back to sleep for a bit. That was all you'd say sometimes. That you just wanted to let me know those things before I started my day.

You better be waiting for me on the otherside old man. We have a lot to do still and I refuse to do it alone again.

My joints are taking a break today and are swelling with pain - my knee in particular but my wrists and ankles are keeping it company. Taboo is lying pushed up against my back and keeping me warm.

I can't seem to find a way out of my depressive funk mood. I am having a tough time dealing with your death and no one here 'gets it' or 'gets me' like you did. You know how hard it is for me to open up to people - friends, family, strangers. Makes no difference. You and my sister were the only ones that never judged me or my life because you've both been there.

I just hope your family and friends understand why I asked for a few of your belongings.  I know I really have no say or claim to any of it... but a few items are personal to me. Your dirty hat. Your T-shirt. Your sg beauty redefined book. Id love your phone so I can hear our recorded msg  to each other. I'm so afraid of forgetting your voice :( paranoid about it.  If I could use the bumblebee jacket id ask for it but it doesn't really get that cold here. Ill take it if no one else wants it.

Id like to have some of your ashes mixed into the ink used in my tattoo for us but not sure if that will fly. Some ashes I'm.mixing with my glitter and I'm sending you into the gulf on a warm breeze and a kiss from my thinking spot. Then whenever I see my trademark purple glitter in the sand ill know you are with me. And what's left will go into the urn I'm painting for you. I might wear a vial with some in it too mixed with my blud like we planned ...

My pills are kicking in...
Long day tomorrow.

I love you Kenny.

~uneeek one

depression

Kenny love <3

I almost had a mini breakdown today at work, just thinking about you and things we used to talk about and imagine doing in the future. I can't let myself cry at work. I have a hard enough time as it is there by being a girl chef in a job field monopolized by stupid males without showing how much their shit attitude towards female equals bothers me. Crying would cause.... bad shit to go on. 

Instead, I blinked back tears and chomped ice to push the sobs back down and now I'm home and slipping over the edge. 

You know how rarely I let things get to me and cry, especially when others can see me. Normally I'm the unshakable one, the one who never breaks... LOL But lately... ugh. I'm an emotional wreck. Thanks a lot Kenny! Still love you though. You made me feel things again... then you went and died on me and fucked my whole world up.

I don't know why I can't get past this. What am I not letting myself see? Why can't I let you go? I wake up crying in my sleep. I cry when I'm alone. I cry most of the night - the times we talked the most. I don't know how to deal with this.

I knew you were much more sick than you let on - I'm the same way. Even with the Vampire genes (porphyria) in my blud, I know I'm not immortal no matter how much I say I am going to live forever or that drinking some of my blud could heal you. I guess I was wishing some miracle would happen for you... for us. Like a working kidney or a magic pill or a better doctor to fix you. I held onto such hope. All of my sicknesses are autoimmune and/or genetic. There probably isn't such fixes for me. I wished you were strong enough to wait it out with me. To be here for a long time.

I remember asking you a few days before if you were dying and you said NO! I'm fine, hon. I'm not leaving you lovie. A couple days later, you sent me a video telling me how much you loved me and for me to always remember that. The next night, you were gone. You knew, didn't you? 

Kelly is going to be sending me part of your ashes soon - and I'm hoping for some of your belongings for purely selfish reasons I suppose - but I really want your hat and your t-shirt so I can hold you and your phone - I want to hear your voice and see your face even if it is just a video recording. And your pinup girl coffee table book because I know it was your favourite. 

Maybe that will give me the closure I need. 

I hope so. 

I love you