I hope you are doing ok up in the stars. I really miss you and wish you hadn't left yet, but I understand. I'm doing ok most of the time. I still find myself in tears at night during "our time". I will totally admit to crying when I start every single one of my letters to you, but by the end of my time with you each night, I'm usually dry eyed and more calm. Usually, not always. I'll get there. Promise.
< Black Label Society / 1919 Eternal / Bridge to Cross >
...My spirit is bent and there's blood on my hands
The more I'm down, the less I understand
Once so found, now so lost
I ask no questions, it's just one more bridge to cross...
I don't need the Xanax to get through my days now and have been trying to not use it much at all. I need to work this out in my head and heart on my own, I guess. You know me - I'm stubborn and hard headed. I'll deal and get through. I've made it this far now. I rely on whispering to your star a lot when I'm sitting here alone in the dark. I imagine you whispering back that everything will be all right soon. You don't know how much I wish that to be true. I've never had my heart ache so much or shed so many tears before. I miss you!
I truly hope you are waiting for me, out there, somewhere.
< VAST/ Seattle 2007 / Flames (Seattle acoustic) >
...You are the only thing
That makes me want to live at all...
This is easily one of my most favourite songs - VAST/Flames. Aren't you glad I got you to listen to them? This version (acoustic) of Flames is so sad sounding, but it's really not a sad song. It's a song about learning to love and feel again. It's how you made me feel. I think I did the same for you.
I still dream of you every night - sometimes it's of you dying. Sometimes it's just one of our text conversations played out in movie form - with us speaking face to face instead of texting on our phones. I will wake up from those with a smile, but then, I cry when I realize it was only a dream and that it will never happen.
I'm probably crazy. I'll pinkyswear you were here the other night, brushing a stray strand of hair off my face. I caught a shadow out of the corner of my eye right before I felt the hair move, but when I turned to look, the shadow was gone, of course. Maybe it was you, maybe it was the ceiling fan moving my hair, maybe the shadow was one of my weird eyeball floater thingies. I don't know.
You know what I believe in. You know I believe in the afterlife and the spirit worlds. You know I believe in 'ghosts'. You know I believe in what my dreams show me. I could easily believe it was you coming to watch over me. You always said you would protect me and keep me safe while you were alive, so it's not hard to believe you would after death, as well.
< Nine Inch Nails / The Fragile (left) / The Fragile >
She shines
In a world full of ugliness
She matters when everything is meaningless
Fragile
She doesn't see her beauty
She tries to get away
Sometimes
It's just that nothing seems worth saving
I can't watch her slip away
I won't let you fall apart
She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by
Hoping someone can see
If I could fix myself I'd - but it's too late for me
I wont let you fall apart
We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide
I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side
...but they keep waiting
...and picking...
It's something I have to do
I was there, too
Before everything else
I was like you
 |
| Taboo and his giant cow bone |
I brought Taboo home a treat from work. A super giant beef steamship bone. I'm sure he thought he was in doggie heaven. He literally gnawed on it for 2 hours straight. He's now passed out asleep on the sofa with his paws twitching and snoring. I bet he wakes up with sore jaws in the morning.
I need to go lie down. My lower back still aches and today I couldn't pee, there wasn't any even though I drank a half gallon of water today ;/ Yes, I know... I'll be ok.
I love you :)
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