I feel like I'm the only person awake at 4 am these days :/ I know I'm not. My taxi driving neighbour is awake and my cop neighbour is outside with his dog, tinkering quietly with his bike. Even Taboo went to sleep in the bed without me tonight, which is unusual.
< Digital Underground / Sex Packets / Underwater Rimes (remix) >
My brain has been all jumbled up lately. Nothing has been making sense inside it and thoughts keep swirling around all over and bumping into each other and making a huge ass mess. The chains on the doors keep unlocking and flying open and my neatly kept files are getting blown around and all mixed up. All the moving around in there keeps me awake and makes me exhausted at the same time. I don't expect anyone to really understand what's going on inside my head. I just wish it would stop for a little while so I can sleep and rest. The chains and doors worked for years. I don't know why they aren't working now. They aren't rusty... maybe someone is sneaking in an unlocking them.
< Faith No More / The Real Thing / Epic >
One of my night pills is making me feel really dizzy tonight. It's like my eyes are spinning around and can't focus on any one thing for very long. I'm afraid if I move too much, I'll throw up. Not sure how I'll make it to the bedroom. I might just sleep in here on the floor. Wouldn't be the first time I've crashed on my living room floor...
I've been trying not to think about how much I miss you every single day. It makes me cry. I start thinking too much about things that might have been and never will be. Then I cry more. Then I need a pill to calm back down and I can't get any more refills of them either right now. I know the pills are a quick fix and a dumb way to cope what's going on in my head and that eventually I will have to deal with things properly... I don't think I'm ready yet.
I haven't been writing as much. I'm sorry :( I just haven't had words in me. The words that are inside, just hurt to much to let out right now. Your friends have to be tired of me by now :(
< St. Lunatics / Snippets from... Free City / S.T.L. >
I've been watching a lot of horror gory torture bloody disturbing evil movies. Tis the season for them ;) I can manage to not think most of the time I am staring at the screen. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong in my head that I can watch these kinds of movies and not even blink about the scenes in them. It's not that I know they are just a movie... SOMEONE had to think this shit up. What makes their mind go there - what do they see in their heads when they go to sleep at night? Why does seeing this stuff not bother me? Seriously - Audition and Irreversible should be nearly unwatchable for some people...
Speaking of the season... I wish I had someone that enjoyed the creepy haunted houses and tours in the city. Nothing better than creeping around in old cemeteries in the dark in New Orleans with old spirits and voodoo magic at Halloween times. I would love to take my camera out there to see what it might see...
< Kitaro / An Enchanted Evening / Silk Road >
I'm stuck on saute all fucking week again. Shoot me now. I'm still expected to prep the pastry stuff/desserts so I 'think' our sous chef is going to prep the saute station for me *crosses fingers*. I've gotten really good at making our butter sauces. Didn't have one break on me all week last week (go me!)... but I really don't want to get stuck on saute forever... My heart is in desserts and breads/baking etc... not fish LOL
I'm trying to think of a simple dessert special the buffet flunkie can't screw up. I had a few requests for my dark rum soaked sugar cakes... maybe I'll do them. The longer they sit, the more potent they get ;) I should set one aside for me to eat at the end of the week :D
We have several thousand out of state people here for cruising the coast. We're hosting the burn out events in our parking lot and since bbbg has the windows overlooking it, we'll get a few more people than usual. I would love to have the week off to check out all the cars *drool* but that will never happen. You know I'm a muscle car junkie! I wish I still had my old '84 Grand Prix. It's a classic now LOL but I know the ex sold it for way too cheap when I left him. He never did have money or investment sense...
< Body Count / Born Dead / Drive By >
Yay, time for the night sweats and burning up body on fire feeling. I wish I knew which pills did this. I'd take them earlier in the night or see if I could get them changed. I have sweat running down my face and I'm just sitting here :( My house is cold: 68ยบ...
I should attempt lying down and resting. It's going to be another hellishly long week at work. Gwendolyn insists we need to get there an hour earlier every day...
I love you. Come sleep with me. I miss you.
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