overwhelmed, confused.

My Kennyboy <3

I've been having a bunch of bad nights right now. Way too many confusing thoughts inside my head and feelings in my heart. I don't know what I feel anymore. Emptiness? Anger? Lost? Hurt? Sadness? Overwhelmed? Alone? Broken?

My physical pain is the same. The cooler temperatures don't really help that. A chill makes my back go into spasms more often than not. I do whatever I can to avoid going into the freezers at work. My knees and hip joints... lets just say they don't like moving much without screaming at me right now. I try not to walk much without having a heating pad or ice pack handy... and ultram.

I can deal with it. Just really haven't been feeling like doing just that. Sometimes, I just want to hurt, and to whine about it. I just need more time inside my head and my butterflies.

< Black Label Society / Hangover Music V. VI / Layne >

This fear that clouds my mind
This fear that just won't die
Blacked out this world
Nothing's pure, nothing's real 

Oh, I'm just bidding my time
'Til I wave goodbye

If I could, you know I'd die
The final rest, just one big lie
This trip that's broke my back
My death is war, it's where I'm at

Oh, I'm just bidding my time
'Til I wave goodbye
Oh, goodbye
Oh, oh, oh yeah
'Til I wave goodbye

I miss you so much :( I still try not to think about you being gone. It makes me cry. I hate crying. Crying makes me angry then I cry more because I can't control what I'm feeling. It sucks when it happens at work. I hate people seeing me cry, especially them. It's easier to deal with if I just wall everything off. Tuck it away and lock it up. Bury it. Not think.

I am trying a different sleeping pill tonight. I need sleep. I would love dreamless sleep. I'll write later. The 't' key is driving me crazy. I have a new keyboard on the way. And it's too hard for me to type on my phone. Sometimes my fingers are so cold the phone doesn't seem to register I'm touching the screen or something.

I love you Kenny. I miss calling you.