promise, rambling, tired

Kennyboy <3

Not writing didn't help me... I tried. Writing was helping more than keeping everything inside my head, I guess. I can barely function now... Still not sleeping.  I'm eating some - but it's somewhat useless when I throw up constantly from nausea and dizzyness. I'm tired of the you're so sick/getting too tiny/ looking comments. (well DUH? I AM SICK!). I know I'm annoying everyone around me with my rambling nonsense about whatever pops in my head all night and day.

Sometimes wish I didn't make that promise to you last winter. I really do. I'm tired, Kenny. So very tired. Tired of fighting myself. Tired of pills to stay alive. Tired of doctors and tests. Tired of hurting 24/7. Tired of being sick. Tired of nightmares every single night. Tired of crazy thoughts racing through my head. You wouldn't know if I broke that promise unless... what we believed is true. Then you'd yell at me for it. But, I don't break promises, even to people that are dead.

I was desperate Saturday night and had someone bring me some pain pills :( I was so sick Sunday day and night. I woke up feeling worse than usual - it's been a rough month at work mentally and physically for me - we're so shorthanded now and the OT is piling up on me. I don't know if the pills were too strong for me the night before, or the pain itself, or a migraine, or if it was just everything else catching up. I had a headache from hell, my back was spasming and I couldn't close my hands. I couldn't keep my eyes focused on anything, my world was tilting and spinning backwards more than usual. Glad Sundays have been boringly slow (football). I hate throwing up at work...

I didn't even make it the 8 miles home from work without telling Gwen to pull over (figures it was in Backatown -ghetto land- ugh - not where I wanted to be puking my guts out in the dark...). I tried taking a shower, but ended up just kneeling on the floor of the tub with my head on my knees until the hot water ran ice cold... then I just shut the water off and threw a towel over me until I stopped shaking.