LONG boring night at work... I'm stuck on saute/fish again :( *cries* I hate it. The sous chef for the cafe restaurant is on suspension, so our chef d' cuisine fine dining chef went to work that restaurant and our other sous chef is working his spot, so I'm taking the sous chef's spot... The head chef over all of them is on vacation (again - plus he used to date the suspended chef but they just broke up and are fighting - coincidence on her suspension??) It's all so full of d r a m a again. I HATE DRAMA!!!!. I feel like I'm back in high school. They are so exhausting to be around. One day I'm going to either scream at them or bite my tongue clean off :)
< Marilyn Manson / The Golden Age of Grotesque / Para-Noir >
I don't remember most of what I wrote last night - especially the last 2 paragraphs LOL I read what I wrote this morning and thankfully it wasn't anything terribly embarrassing. All my pills kicked in at one time from the looks of it. Or maybe just the ambien. Dunno. I didn't sleep well anyhow. I woke up every hour or so, hot and twitchy and itchy. Still makes me think of the junkie days... I miss them, and I don't... What a mess I was then. Well, I still am, but worse then. Way worse. I don't think you'd like that me. I didn't like that me. I was always angry when I wasn't on something or another. So angry, so hateful. Pretty much pushed everyone away. Those that wouldn't go away, I left behind...
< Nine Inch Nails / The Downward Spiral / Liar (reptile demo) >
I'm having a kinda not good night. I miss you. I miss having you to talk with. I miss other stuff, too. But, never had you to do it with - other than in my head. I'd imagine what it would be like to hold hands while watching tv or lying on the grass and staring up at clouds. bf doesn't like doing any of that stuff. He barely kisses me on the forehead. If I think too much about things like that right now, I'll start crying. and I know I wouldn't stop tonight.
Know how sometimes you can tell before even swallowing the pill, you know it's just not going to work? That's how tonight is. I knew before taking them they weren't gonna do their job. It's a dangerous spot for me to be in. You know if I get desperate enough what'll happen ;/ I'm trying not to, Kenny.
< Nine Inch Nails / The Slip / Lights in the Sky >
I think I'm going to a break from here... Imseeing things that can't exist, stupid ambien - like dreaming? of me dying again- even though im techincaly still awake right now. Only took 2 hours for ambien to kick in. If i were dead id not b e writing i don't think. maybe i'm just crazy.
Love you <3
da sad one
No comments:
Post a Comment