I miss talking to you so much, it hurts. I still want to be entirely selfish and have you back for my own needs and not share you with anyone else. I want you all to myself. To talk with. To hug. To cook with. To just hang out with at home. I need someone to hold my hand when I go for my tests. Someone to tell me everything will be okay and wipe away my tears. Someone that won't leave when I am too sick to do anything but stay in bed. Someone that understands me.
Yes, I'm crying again. I'll look like hell later - all puffy eyed and sniffly when I wake up, if I ever go to sleep today. I already look like I haven't sleep in a month. The circles under my eyes are so bad...
It's storming again. It was gorgeous all day long, but sometime around 1 am it started to rain, and now at 5 am, it's thundering and lightning and the rain is hitting the windows... I can't sleep. You know how the rain affects my head in ways I don't and won't explain to people not extremely close to me.
Not only is my head fucked up tonight, my body is also. It hurts - fire ants and ground glass everywhere. Burning pain in my joints and muscles. I haven't found any pills to work for this type of pain yet. My butterflies and your stars can only do so much some nights :( I might have to add in a third image to send my pain away... I now get painful tingling and weird numbness in my legs and arms, and sometimes in my back.
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| Morphos Butterfly - Isn't it beautiful? |
I've spent the last few hours looking at pretty photographs of butterflies - particularly Morphos butterflies. Their blue, aqua and purple metallic shine caught my eye. This one has some of the colours I want in our tattoo. I'd like to add in a darker royal purple, a deep sapphire blue and an emerald green for some of the other butterflies. Maybe a pink one for my sister with her name in it's wings.
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| Your stars! |
Then I started looking at stars... I can't see any out here tonight since it's storming. You better be out there, Kenny. You told me you would be. Patiently waiting for me to join you. Look at how cool it looks up there! Glittery and smoky and swirly. Always changing, yet always the same. We could jump from star to star, playing tag. I'm hoping I can find a tattooist that can capture your stars for me. I still want to see if I can get one to mix some of your ashes in the ink... I wish I could have gotten some of your blood ;) but not to put in our tattoo. I just want to have a piece of you ;/ I know, I'm weird. Tell me you wouldn't ask for some of mine. You would, and you know it. Cuz we were strange like that.
I'm not liking my random playlist tonight. I've skipped more songs than I have listened to.
I had my evaluation at work... I get a 3% raise this year - not really much at all but better than the 3 years I've gone without one since I got a massive raise when I transferred departments. Now they want me to learn the grill station. :( It's the last station I need to know before getting a Sous Chef title for the fine dining place. I already know I most likely can't physically do that station but I don't want to tell them that and you already know I'll try to work it anyhow, just to show off LOL. Besides, I'd be the first girl e v e r to work it... I already proved I can do saute/fish, even though I hated every minute of it. I don't want to give them any other reason to get rid of me when the new owners take over next month. I'm already afraid I'm going to lose my insurance :( so, I'll suck up my pain and try beating the chef boys at their stupid little game.
Taboo is hinting that he wants to go to bed. He won't sleep in the bed until I go lay down with him. Instead, he's in here, watching me and occasionally he gets up, walks to the hall and looks back at me. If I don't get up, he comes back and lies down and sighs, He is such a momma's boy. and a spoiled brat. :)
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| Taboo! |
He's making me feel guilty :(
I love you :)
~The crybaby
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