Silly Kennyboy <3
I can't sleep - I forgot my crazy meds... Dunno how, I rarely forget to take any of my pills unless I finally crash out and sleep for 2-3 days straight...
Random shuffle tonight while I occupy my wide awake self at 3 am...
< RUN D.M.C. / Greatest Hits / It's Like That >
The dreams started again last night... THOSE dreams that aren't really true dreams, but memories that come back in my dreams *draws arrows to middle of next paragraph*. The ones when I'd call or text you and be crying and scared, rambling on incoherently about the dark and blood and pain and the butterflies, waking you up in the middle of the night, and confusing you greatly until you understood I wasn't really me, and I wasn't really even awake... Do you remember talking me through those dream nights? You asked me simple questions and didn't push me to explain - eventually you pieced things together and cried with me and talked me back to sleep. I loved you then, but I couldn't tell you then.
< Dream Theater / Awake / Lifting Shadows Off A Dream >
That song right there? - it makes me think of you... Go - Listen to it, you'll figure out why. Too bad we didn't meet when it first came out - 1993-1995 was the start of the next stage of really fucked up life experiences for me. Got married the first time, turned into a human punching bag within months of putting the ring on my finger, almost died getting out of that one. The last few months in that house, I had my chest and back cut up and burned with cigarettes, was raped, got hit with a chair leg and a baseball bat, was handcuffed to a bar in the closet with a locked door, so I couldn't leave, and the last night there - I was held against the wall with a loaded gun in my mouth and the phone cord wrapped around my neck with 911 asking what was my emergency. Lots of time spend in the hospital after that one, all broken up - fractured collar bone, concussion, broken wrist, broken fingers, 4 cracked ribs and a dislocated shoulder. Broken mind. More than once, I wished he would just kill me, or that *I* could kill me, and be done with it all.
Best part though? Getting blamed for it by people I trusted and loved. I really enjoyed being told that everything was all my fault and I should have been a better wife and did what my husband wanted...
All of you know who you are and Karma's a bitch :)
Butterflies in my head saved me then, Kenny... The more things hurt, the more butterflies I saw until I couldn't feel anything happening to my body. Pain on the wings of the butterflies, up and away from me. Even in the dark, I could see them - all glittering and sparkly.
See? The butterflies... Butterflies when I was little, butterflies then, butterflies now.
< VAST / Turquoise & Crimson / Beautiful >
The walls went up quickly after that. I quit speaking to everyone then - literally. I didn't speak for at least a year that I can remember. Quit working. Quit being human. I drank a lot and did many, many, many drugs to forget it all. I lived in parks and shelters and bus stations after I got out of the hospital and the wonderful crazy ward. I walked and rode the buses a lot. I changed cities and states like a butterfly getting pushed around by the wind. I know I saw 7 or 8 states in a few months time. Ohio, Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia, North Carolina, Georgia, Alabama... I wasn't really lost... I just fluttered around.
 |
| The first half of my water drinking tonight at work - 50 oz.... with lime! |
< Silvertide / Show and Tell / You Want It All >
We were alike in so many strange, little ways too :)
Kristina told me about your lining up of diet cokes at work... I've always done it that - with endless bottles of water now instead of diet coke cans (since I'm not supposed to drink soda of any type anymore :( ) Oh, we also crush our empty cans the same way, too LOL Everyone is used to my bottle line up and crushed ice packed quart cup every shift - the only thing that changes is the fruit. Sometimes citrus, sometimes frozen berries or green apple slices. Water is SO VERY BORING! I miss my diet cokes :( Doctor said NO MORE sodas until my liver and kidney function tests are done again. *cries* Shhhhhh I still sneak one every now and then...
You'd think drinking up to 100 oz of water each shift would make me peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (each bottle is 10 oz). Nope. No peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hardly at all. Either I am super dehydrated, or my diuretic isn't working for me. I so rarely ever have to pee at work. I doubt that means anything GOOD for me these days. I miss sending you my OMG GGP! texts for those rare gotta go PEEEEEEEEEE times LOL
< Motley Crue / Greatest Hits / Primal Scream >
I'm going to attempt a nap now. I have to leave for work in a few hours. I'll whisper to your star for a few more minutes as I lie in the dark and wish for you to join me for a little while.
I love you and miss you.
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